Thursday, September 20, 2012

maternity jeans.

i will apologize in advance for the tone of this post. 

I don't know why i just wrote that sentence. 

why, as women, do we feel the need to apologize for our feelings? 
why can't we just feel and feel free to do so?

guilt. what is that about? it's almost a constant state of being for me since becoming a mother. well, i'm going to write free tonight and not think about i'm writing and i'll let panick rush over me in the morning as i run to my computer and read through too tired eyes at what i decided to share with the blog world when i wasn't in the best, shall i say, state of mind. yes. i said it. i'm going a little bit crazeballs over here.

do i sound nuts? yeah, maybe. i'm cool with it though. 

let me tell you what's going on...

we are moving. just down the street. it's not far and the kids will remain at their current school (thank goodness for that) and it will be a beautiful home when we finally get the floors down and the rats, yes, rats out of the attic. palm rats. does that sound better than rats? 

no, not to me either, but my husband tried to sell it to me that way. didn't work.

they live in palm trees. who knew. so now, i am not only afraid to walk into the new house; i now fear walking beneath a palm tree (a tree i used to admire for it sunny simplicity) for fear that a palm rat will fall on top of me or my kids. the image plays over and over in my mind. i'm sure that this occurrence is rare as i have never heard of such an incidence actually happening. 

i'm sad. 
bummed. 
blue. 
a tad heartsick.

i can't shake the feelings i am having but at the same time i'm kind of sick of hearing myself. it's like, move on woman! get it together. what's the big deal?

it is a big deal. for some it may not be, but for me, it is all i think about.

i think the move will be for the best, but i can't see it yet. rather, i'm not allowing myself to see it. i'm like a kicking and screaming three year old child whose lollipop you've just taken away because you didn't want me to ruin my dinner.

logically, i know we will be happy there. i know i will make a home out of the little yellow house on the left. i will rock out cool paint colors and add sweet touches from this home into the new one so my kids will feel more comfortable until they settle in... but i need to cry for a bit first and i think that's okay and deserved and important.

this is the home we just brought our little tagalong baby home to. it's where peyton and beckham have grown from babies to big kids, a kinder and 2nd grader. nearly grown. so many memories. so much growing. we have deep roots here. 

ivy's nursery has barely been used and now we are leaving. 

the cold hard truth of it all is, we won't be here for christmas. that kills me. kiiiilss me.


and it's not just the new house that needs a full reno job that's got me climbing the walls and almost defiantly overwhelmed, bringing a baby home is amazing and nothing but good, but it's work adding a new human to a family of other young people. young people who need as much, if not more love, than before the new addition.  

simply: i don't want to work as hard as i will need to to get us into that house in two months. i feel like i was already working hard taking care of and nurturing three kids. cleaning house, preparing meals, homework, my work, cooking ... you all know what we do...it's a freaking lot. a lot. and it's great. a privilege. 

and i'm living a dream. a wonderful blessed dream of three healthy kids, food on the table and a roof over our heads. 

a million people could call me, among other things, selfish and ungrateful for my attitude but i assure you, this has nothing to do with gratitude. because gratitude, i have in spades. and i thank god each and everyday for what i have been given, because i have so much. 

no, this is not about gratitude. this is about change...and how i suck at it.

i will win no awards for attacking change in an elegant and poised manner.
if there was such an award, i'm pretty sure i'd face plant. hard. and it would hurt. even so, i would learn from sucking at it. it's a learning experience. it's life. this is the beauty of good funk. of this, i am perfectly sure.

and i may let my sadness out and have a solid cry when the kids go to school. i think i like a good cry. it's like my mourning of choice. that and eating chocolate and i don't intend that to be funny. it just is what it is.   

my friend calls it flailing. like when a newborn baby starts throwing her arms around and slaps herself in the face. that baby cries because something is hurting her and since she doesn't know that she is hurting herself, she keeps hitting herself in the face. her mama needs to swaddle that baby and i, i need to give myself a nice big kick in the ass. 

oh, and maybe i'm a bit pissed that i am still wearing my maternity jeans.

i !@#$% hate these things. what was once a symbol of my need for an expanded waistline to comfortably accommodate my growing baby, is now the bane of my existence. 

my weight has always been a struggle for me. i'm up. i'm down. up. down. up. up. up.

you know those people who eat when they are sad or eat when they are happy or eat when the sky turns orangey-red...that's me. i have always have a reason to snag a piece of chocolate. 

so, i knew it was getting out of control when i grabbed some edy's chocolate, nothing fancy, ice-cream, grabbed and spoon and walked to my room. 

jeff, trying to encourage me (because i made him promise to me that he would) called out, "just say no!"

i barely turned around as i hastily snapped back, "i'm sad. i'm having some chocolate ice cream. let me be." 

poor guy. sorry jeff. 

it's a freaking roller coaster ride i'm willing to throw myself from once and forever. i am choosing to be healthy for myself and for my kids. besides that, i want to buy some cute things without worrying about how it will look. there is SO much freedom in that. 

my friend, wylie introduced me to an app called my net diary . i was doing really well and putting in calorie values in for each meal. i'm not a great calorie counter, so i would loosely try to look up and input the correct amount of calories. i am not a attached to this counter, rather, i use it as a reference and to keep me reminded of what (and how much) i am eating. i often forget about the few m&m's that i shared with beckham or the yogurt i finished because peyton left it on the counter.

hoping that i can make some more progress so i can very quickly, have a Maternity Jeans BURNING ceremony! i will invite you all!

whew. i feel better. thanks for listening;) i need to make it point to keep this house tidier. i don't know why i feel like i am constantly in motion, cleaning, working, doing,... and i still can't keep the crap, the toys, the books off of the dang floor. 

i need a magic wand and five more hours of sleep a day. that's all.
xo

and, because i am so behind in blogging, here are a few photos!

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first bus ride. they were both ecstatic to ride the bus this year. i don't want them to do it, but who am i to stand in their way of growing up. 

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as i waited with them on the corner, i couldn't help but take in the scene. 

they are so BIG. the familiar tug at my heart presented itself again. i know the sensation well and i knew i needed to  keep my emotions in check and let this be about them and there big day.

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they looked so confident and proud waiting for the bus. all morning they had been worried they would miss the bus. 

beckham, in particular, would call out from anywhere in the house.

"mama, we're going to miss the bus." 

"no, sweetheart. we still have an hour before the bus!"

this went on about every 5 minutes. 

kids from the surrounding houses in our neighborhood started making their way to the bus stop. moms and dads of kinders came with cameras and proud as well as nervous and brave smiles.

soon, we heard the bus riding alumni screaming, the bus is coming. the bus is coming!

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as the bus rounded the corner and onto our street, my little guy, ran up to me and didn't say a word as he grabbed my hand and smiled at me.

he was scared. 

finally, he said "mommy, i'm nervous to go on the bus." his little brown eyes boring holes into mine. i quickly said that it was okay and that i would drive him. 

inside i was hoping he would chicken out and want a ride with me, but as soon as the bus parked in front of us, he let go of my hand and ran to grab his sister's hand and they both waved goodbye.

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it was over. they were gone. 

i walked into the house feeling that feeling one feels when emotion is as it's highest and then it comes crashing down. i'm never sure if i should use that energy to clean or let myself collapse onto the couch and watch HGTV. 

instead i saw this, 
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i'm here, mama. it's just you and me for 8 hours. 

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so, we played and waited for big brother and sister to come home. 

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wanted to post more pics but photobucket is freaking frozen. more later. between the hard times, i see so much happy. the black eyes above is from running makeup, but i posted it because i still like the picture. all smeary and smudgy. 

grateful.

95 comments:

Hazel said...

Oh Heidi, I love the way you write and i hope you don't wake up in the morning and re-write this post. I love the realness. Hope it helped to get it all out there, sometimes you just gotta!

I hope your new home will grow on you (but I can see how the work on top of being a Mama to 3 beautiful children could be a bit daunting).
I also hope the freaky palm rats get lost! Eww. I have never heard of them before! We have had field mice and they were bad enough.
Our dogs only catch the ones outside the house! Not helpful guys.

Re: the eating when happy or sad. i am so with you there. I have so little self control...it doesn't matter if I've been depressed in the change room and sobbing cause I can't fit into anything or ruining whole trips to a big city because I'm so upset about my weight. It never materialises into self control when it comes to eating or exercise the next day! But you know what you're so beautiful and those photos of you and Ivy and just gorgeous, what a happy Mama. I hope you can find some happiness and a way that works on getting out of those maternity jeans. And when you work it out can you let me know! Hugs to you. xo

dig this chick said...

xo mama. I love the raw, type-and-click-post posts. They feel good, don't they?

Oh, moving! It was a painful process for me too. I called several friends (including your bff!) on my last night there, sobbing on my closet floor. And then, we handed the keys over and moved across town and it all felt so right. I miss it, I miss certain specific aspects. But it's the memories I love most and those came with me. Yours will follow you too.

With love,
Nici

Amy said...

Change is HARD

Do yourself the biggest favour ever....give yourself a break, don't beat yourself up...

Keep in the back of your head that one day you will look back on this time and think, look how we have grown, how far we have come

x

Anonymous said...

Heids, you are beautiful inside and out. You love deep and feel things deeply. Your words are exceptional. Love ya.
Wy.

Maddydog said...

I was so happy to wake up this morning and see your post. It got my day off to such a great start. Thanks for sharing, Heidi.

Annie said...

Amen sista! I mean it. I am in a similar situation in so many ways. This hits home and will help me keep my perspective. Your post is perfectly timed for me. I am grateful you wrote and shared these thoughts and feelings. Knowing there is another mama out there going through similar moments is encouraging because you will rock it.

You are a strong and beautiful mama. (what a beautiful baby! Your kids are adorable)

Bella_K said...

AW Heidi I hope you are ok... It would be a big task, but you are lucky to have some wonderful friends to support you! :)
I had to laugh at the palm rats part though - sorry!
Loved the photos & how sweet is baby Ivy...
Lots of love,
xox
B.

GraceesMommy said...

I know how you feel about moving. When we moved to the farm it was only a mile from our old house and it felt like a different country! I left behind my dream kitchen, Gracee's nursery, my canning kitchen and all the memories we had there...including the day Gracee came into our lives. We moved to a 150 year old crooked as hell, bat infested farm that I did not want to go to. 5 years later...oh the memories and good times we have had at the farm...less the bats of course. Change is hard but then that change becomes the norm and new change comes along!!!! Some change we embrace and some change we have no control over...just gotta ride the waves that come crashing at your shore.

Hang in there on the weight thing...I struggle as well as I get older and I know how you feel..wish I could give you a hug!!! Love to you sweet girl.♥

Sian said...

oh hon no wonder you are feeling sad! moving, just had a baby!!!! Two other babies off to school. *sob* Totally normal! And as for those frigging maternity jeans i feel you but hon you are so beautiful inside and out, seriously!!!

Fabrizia said...

Heidi,

we have a lot of things in common. My baby is only two days older then Ivy and I have the same problems with my weight :-(
Two days ago I started a new cycle of my life...love me! Walking with my baby, gym, diet (and no chocolate!).
It's important not to wear a skinny jeans but for me!!
You are a great...don't worry!

a kiss from Rome!(and sorry for my -not perfect-english!).fabrizia

If These Walls Spoke... said...

Keep your chin up, mama! <3

Shannon {ava_caitlyn} said...

Oh honey! I completely understand. I am an Army wife. Every time we leave a home, where my kids have grown...I sob for weeks. It *is* hard, and it is okay to mourn the loss of your old house...but then let it all go and get excited about the new one!

Okay, you are so beautiful. There, I said it. For real, I know getting back to a comfortable pre-preg weight is important...but honey, just go slow and love that baby. Make little changes, and it will add up to a big one. I am up/down some as well. I get it.

I will say a prayer for you, being a Mama is hard! ~XOXO

Maggie said...

"It's not about gratitude- it's about change." Love that. So very true. Oh, and there's nothing wrong with a stretchy waist band. You look fabulous- so beautiful!

Lisa Hewlett said...

Oh, I completely get you here. Change? I SUCK at it. Jack started preschool a couple weeks ago and while he LOVED it, I had to adjust big time to the change that he's getting bigger.

And weight? oh, honey. I have been on a 16 month plateau - I am training for a half marathon, yet I'm GAINING weight slowly. How does that happen? Needless to say, the self esteem department is in the dungeon. You'll get there!

Amy said...

I don't know you in person... But boy do I love you! I am at home with my 7 week old and am missing my two older boys while at school. Our house is in the middle of a remodel (baby came two months early) and I I want to do is sit on the couch and cry...and eat...and snuggle my bug. It's natural and you give me permission to feel it's ok. Thank you for taking time to blog. I can only imagine how tired you are, but it gives me energy!

Tisha said...

I feel for you today, I well understand the struggle with weight. I can't imagine its easy either being surrounded by the thin women of southern Florida even though I'm sure they are all supportive.

Keep up the good work, and worry about the weight after the move. One can only handle so much. Besides with all that it sounds like you have to do for the move you might not have so much time to eat. Maybe in the process of the move the weight will just fall off!!

Oooh I can see it 2-3 months from now... you in your pre-pregnancy jeans all moved into your new house marveling at how you didnt notice the weight just falling off because you were so busy with the moving and painting and (palm) rat ridding!

:) Yes, that is what I predict.

Rebekah said...

I Love, Love, Love your honesty.
Take it from an Air Force brat who has moved 10 times in herlife. Moving is hard. Change is hard. Life sucks for a few moments. But eventually, those sucky moments pass and you settle in and you can't imagine home being anywhere else.

Rosa said...

Can I start off by saying my kids are 6 & 7 and I probably could still fit comfortably into my maternity jeans? It's a struggle for me too! The weight definitly did not just melt off (like it seems to on so many mothers!!!). But it's also my fault....need to work out more, watch what I eat more. Seems I'm always looking after other littles more than myself. (incidentaly, another great weight management site is www.myfitnesspal.com. Free. I just have to use it ack). And by the way, can I also say I was feeling bad for you until I saw your pics. Geez sista you are beautiful!!

Sarah said...

Love your honesty in this post, no need to apologize. New house, new baby, new school year, that's a lot of change all at once! Hope your move goes as smoothly as possible, and I love Nici's earlier comment, your memories will follow you.

::Hugs::

BTW - Ivy is just adorable!

Jessica Lawson said...

It is hard to bring a newborn into the family with older children that need attention as well. My 6 year old son (and soon to be middle child) asked me the other day if I would still have time for him when the new baby (our 5th!) arrives. I was so heartbroken and thought about it for days. Its hard to be a mother and be responsible for so many different things, as well as taking care of yourself. Adding the moving in for you, and I know I too would be a hot mess. The best piece of advice I can give for you, is to take each day one day at a time. You will get through it because you are so strong!

The pics are adorable, and I am pretty sure I had the exact same convo and experience with my 6 year old going off to Kindergarten with his two big sisters this year. I didnt have a baby to come home to though! lol that is coming here in a month or so! Ivy's eyes just kill me! They are so beautiful. You are an awesome mother!

Catherine said...

Oh girl, I hear you! My third baby is just two weeks younger than yours and I don't know if it's being 35, third kid, or what but I'm putting pressure pretty hard on myself to get back to shape and all the depressive feelings with not being there yet. *sigh. I did the 30 Day Shred, and honestly it was the kick in the butt I needed to motivate and it REALLY helped me. Now I just need to keep going... As for Palm Rats- we just dealt with wave two of those beasties in our garage (our attic houses every gigantic spider known to man) but I must say, the sticky and snapper traps really work. I hate killing mammals, but sorry, I have three kids, no way do they get to stay. I know moving sucks, we've moved three times in 5 years and it's not fun, but soon you'll have lovely memories in a new place and that will become home. :)

Anonymous said...

My youngest will turn on October 14th and I'm still in my maternity pants. I have had such a hard time. So many moms have the weight "fall off" while breastfeeding - that did not happen for me! Thanks for sharing - it helps to know I'm not alone.

Gloria said...

Dear Heidi,

Thank you for writing this post. I've been feeling a lot like you, not being able to shake my feelings but thinking I should be moving on, getting it together. And feeling like what's a very big deal for me isn't a big deal for anyone else.
I congratulate you. For believing that this move will be for the best even though you can't see it yet.

"but I need to cry for a bit first." Thank you. I HATE change. So I too take my time to cry about it, and then I'm usually okay with it. Though it always takes a lot of getting used to.
Thanks again :)

Gloria

differentlythesame.net said...

As a sentimental mom myself, I personally know just how hard it is to move away from the home that holds so many precious memories. I did the same thing almost 8 years ago when we moved from Boston to Southern California. I packed up our townhouse, filled up a ginormous Allied moving van, stuck our two cars on carriers and said good-bye to a place that still holds a BIG piece of my heart. I had 2 of my three babies there. Megan {my daughter with Down syndrome} was born there. Had her open heart surgery there. And with absolutely no family for 2,000 miles around us, we were left to the friends who'd become our family for the love and support we needed during such a scary moment in our lives. Our amazing town rallied around us when Megan went into heart failure and had open heart surgery at 5 weeks old. Countless families from our town made amazing meals which they left on my door step, day in and out for 2 months straight. But after my hubby finished college, it was time to head back West to where our family was. I remember walking through each and every room and pausing quietly taking in all the memories before I shut the door and said good-bye to such a special place. I cried all the way to the airport. It was a hard good-bye. Luckily you are staying close, but still, I know how hard it is to move from a home that you hold close to your heart. As mothers we work so hard to create a haven for our family's. You've done a gorgeous job Heidi. Now for a funny story about Palm rats. Cali has palm trees too with the same kind of rats! Yuck. Our neighbors all have palms. Well those neighbor's palms had rats. Those rats came down and decided to live in our bushes in our front yard without us knowing! While my hubby and I were vacationing in Hawaii, I get a text from my friend who informs me that a GINORMOUS snake had slithered into said bushes....and now there were baby rats, countless baby rats might I add, hopping all over my front lawn escaping the wrath of that beastly reptile! I thought she was joking. I told her to text me a photo. She did. And I was disgusted. My kids were home with my niece-in-law who was babysitting them when this happened and they still laugh at how crazy it was. The rats and snake are gone. The bushes they were living in, gone. No more "homes" for unwanted critters. I'm sure you will have no problems with that in your new home. It is an exciting time for your family. And new memories will be made there that you will cherish. Thanks for sharing your feelings this AM, Heidi! Have a happy day! :)

Annette said...

I love this post so much. It is exactly how I am feeling right now. We are in the process of moving too. We are actully moving to a different town about 20 minutes from where we live now but it seems like 100 miles away. 1, too, am not very good with change. I am right there with you at being sucky at it. Even though, I know this is the best thing for our family. The house is pretty much double to size of what we have now and with 3 growing boys, we need the space. but, I just feel so sad leaving the house that we have called home the last 9 years. WE brought two of our three babies home here. All of our memories are here and it will be so hard to leave but I have been told over and over again, your home is where your family is. So, I guess as long as we are in this together, we will soon be able to make this house just as homey as the last. My boys do have to change schools so I am just hoping and praying that the transition goes smoothly and that they are able to make friends quickly and are comfortable. I have one son that is so good at adjusting. He can walk into a room of strangers and be friends with them in 5 minutes and then I have a shy boy that takes a little while to warm up to things. I worry about him a little more but I am confident his will be fine.
As far as the weight thing, my son is two and I am still working on getting rid of that baby weight. There is always 1000 others things to do that gets in the way of taking care of myself. I try really hard to fit it in but somedays, it just doesn't happen. Even though I look in the mirror and wish I looked better, I look at the 3 beautiful miracles I have created and I think if this is what I have to deal with, I good with it. Thanks for being so honest. From what I can see, you are a great mom, friend, wife, etc..as far as the weight, it may or may not come off but in the end, it doesn't change who you are. Take pride in that.

Jannice said...

That was so well written! Every mama has been there! We all know how you feel! Its like all the stuff we say that gets us frustrated, upset, angry - has to be backed up with how thankful we are for it all because we would never want it any other way! You'll make wonderful new memories in your beautiful new home. The rat thing skeeved me out though. I've only move once - New York to the desert...btw you should see the cat sized rats in NY!!!...but we were introduced to scorpions on our very first night! yuck!! Oh, and little Ivy...she is delish! Those big eyes...what a beauty!!

Issas Crazy World said...

You know, when you go from one kid to two, everyone gets that it's an adjustment. People come around to help. We expect that the first six months will be hard. We told ourselves that our whole pregnancy, out of fear and the realization that yes this will be hard. So then when it is, we know it and we go okay, so we were right.

But a third kid, people expect you to just adjust. We tell ourselves, well one to two went okay mostly, so this will be fine. FINE! And it is. Because we don't fear being able to love them enough or have the same worries at the previous time.

However, the big adjustments come later. Once the newborn stage is fading. It is hard to entertain a baby, especially when the two big kids are needing to be and go and do all the time. My girls are 10 (almost 11) and 8 and my son is almost 4. That first year was lovely, yet hard. It just was. Very different phases of life I guess.

The house thing...well that is hard. I am selling my house to my ex-husband (long story) and moving to a rental. Strange. New. Different. It can be scary. You'll get there though. Once you start to make the new house your house.

I suppose what I'm saying it...grieve when need be. Know the hardness will pass. ASK YOUR FRIENDS FOR HELP. (Why am I yelling, I don't know. I would soooo yell at my best friends and I know you have amazing ones...so ask for some help.) ;)

Maria said...

Ok..so I have a question: Why the hell are you moving down the street? Couldn't you have avoided alot of angst by just staying put?
You have such a beautiful house. Just curious.
Miss your blogging. Your words & pictures are so real & beautiful & speaking of beautiful, could Ivy get any more adorable. Those eyes & those perfect lips & her little tongue..love.
As for you, I know that no matter what anyone says, we're gonna feel how we feel but just know that you look so beautiful & happy & blessed. Just take it one day at a time..hell, one minute at a time. I had a rough day at work today & instead of coming home & doing something constructive or at least restful & plopped on the couch, turned on the TV & ate a half pint of Ben & Jerry's blueberry frozen Greek yogurt. Believe me, nothing else at this particular moment could have made me relax more. Chocolate, too, does it for me..way too often but you know what? It's how we deal. I've quit beating myself up about it & try really hard to eat healthy most of the time but there are those days, like today, when frozen yogurt trumped a salad. It will happen. Once you're settled in your new home things will get easier. Wow..didn't mean to be so long winded. You're amazing, Heidi. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Much love,
Maria

Maria said...

Ok..so I have a question: Why the hell are you moving down the street? Couldn't you have avoided alot of angst by just staying put?
You have such a beautiful house. Just curious.
Miss your blogging. Your words & pictures are so real & beautiful & speaking of beautiful, could Ivy get any more adorable. Those eyes & those perfect lips & her little tongue..love.
As for you, I know that no matter what anyone says, we're gonna feel how we feel but just know that you look so beautiful & happy & blessed. Just take it one day at a time..hell, one minute at a time. I had a rough day at work today & instead of coming home & doing something constructive or at least restful & plopped on the couch, turned on the TV & ate a half pint of Ben & Jerry's blueberry frozen Greek yogurt. Believe me, nothing else at this particular moment could have made me relax more. Chocolate, too, does it for me..way too often but you know what? It's how we deal. I've quit beating myself up about it & try really hard to eat healthy most of the time but there are those days, like today, when frozen yogurt trumped a salad. It will happen. Once you're settled in your new home things will get easier. Wow..didn't mean to be so long winded. You're amazing, Heidi. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Much love,
Maria

I'm My Favorite said...

My favorite part of your post today was "i quickly said that it was okay and that i would drive him."

I was at work when I read that and laughed out loud. I was expecting you to say "i quickly said that it was okay and that he would be just fine on the bus."

I laughed because I would have said what you actually said to him. I'm always ready to swoop in and save my babies from having to feel anything that isn't happiness and comfort.

I'm glad he was brave and went on the bus. I'm even more glad that Ivy was waiting to play when you got back inside.

Hugs

Angie said...

Oh man, I just love when I see a new post from you! I can relate on everything you wrote about here. I feel ya, hang in there!!

XOXO,
Angie from Ohio (angiepics on Instagram)

Lisa said...

I have to say, I'm loving your blog. I must confess that I "know" you through Kelle. Well, I don't "know" her exactly but she had Nella in Jan of 2010 and I had my Allie in March of 2010 (also with ds) & I have read her blog ever since I had Allie. (starting with the infamous birth story, of course!) Anyway, I know she's your bestie and I just discovered your blog; through Instagram of all things (I've stalked you there for a couple months now) and I really enjoy it! I love the way you write - the "rawness" so to speak - very genuine and simply a breath of fresh air... I will definitely continue to read. Now consider Kelle AND yourself stalked. :) Love, Lisa from Dallas.

Anonymous said...

Heidi, please accept the pain of change and embrace all the goodness that surrounds you and your beautiful family. Ef the maternity pants and be free for who you are! Move to the new! I had a hysterectomy at age 28 and would give my arms and legs for what you have going. I'd rock me some curves, strut my stuff and keep on loving the people who love and support as your friends and family (and blog friends) do as well. And...just effing rock out with your beautiful self why don't you?

Lisa Gonzalez said...

Just wanted to say thanks for sharing this. It helps to know other women go through struggles and sometimes don't feel like life is all la-de-da.

A few confessions of my own:

I can't effing keep up with my children's messes.

I HATE living in NJ and desperately want to move back home to Michigan. If only my hubs can find a job there.

I pretty much wear black yoga/comfy pants every day.

Sending love to you, mama.

(i'm happymamalisa on IG)

Jennjilla said...

I started a new blog, where I can say what I want to say about my weight loss journey. It's so hard...hardest thing I've ever done. They say nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, but I just think they have never had a good meal hahha.

I'd be sad about moving, too. Our house caught fire last year and I thought we were going to lose everything. Suddenly, the too-small house that I couldnt stand living in meant the world to me when it was almost lost forever. Take your time setting up your new world, and it will be just as special as your current place!

I also love your last smeary picture. That, my friend, is real life. Love it! :)

Cheers,
Jenn
www.fatjennslim.blogspot.com

Cassie@HomeIsWhereTheHeartIsBlog said...

Heidi, I have been WAITING for your next post ... and it was a goodie!!! I am exactly the same when it comes to change. It takes me alot to get used to the idea and all that goes along with it. It was as if you were writting about me. Moving is such a big deal. But remember you will all be together as a family and home is where the heart is. And even though you will miss the memories you had at your current house, you will make more as the kids grow up. Cherish the memories you have made but open your arms to more! Well done on P & B catching the bus now too - growing up so fast. I love the pictures of you and Miss Ivy at home (just the girls). You are a fantastic Mum and you should be proud of all that you do. Cannot wait to hear more about the move. Cassie xx
http://bloghomeiswheretheheartis.blogspot.com.au/

Anonymous said...

Heidi, It wont be long before you will be making new memories in your new house...it just happens- it becomes your new normal and everything will fall into place .."baby steps" gets me through everything..and besides your heart and all that defines you will be coming with you!! You will do just fine..in the meantime, can you change your "about me" to three amazing souls on earth? Driving me crazy! It needs to include that beautiful sweet lovable baby. She just gets more beautiful every day!!! Good Luck..change is good
Louise

Happiness is... said...

Oh Heidi. Why do we beat ourselves up? We give 110% to everyone else and then turn around and punch ourselves in the face. Ah, the fun of having ovaries…but I'm proud that you're being honest, letting out the fears, the frustrations, the sadness.

First of all, when you said that you were moving on IG a few weeks back, my first thoughts were all about Ivy - the nursery, her first Christmas. Houses hold so much more than our stuff. Take the baby steps. Keep breathing. And the first step…get rid of those rats (thanks for educating me of why I should not trust palms anymore). Let Jeff take on some of the stress. Find a yoga class. Do something for yourself mama. I know…easier said than done, but dare yourself to try.

And as for the weight loss, yes it sucks. Do what I did…toss out the F*ng scale forever. I swear they are sabotage. Base it on clothing or how you feel. Be kind to yourself. And when you want to toss yourself under the bus and grab that ice cream, remember, be kind to yourself.

Hugs girl.

Dara said...

Hang in there mama! No one says you have to handle change like a champ. If it's hard, then it is what it is and eventually all will fall into place. Oh, you should try the app myfitnesspal. You can scan your food into it. It's FANTASTICAL!

I feel your pain about the weight. I will struggle with it till the day I die, but I'm cool with it. I take it one day at a time and I feel pretty damn it! Keep your head up :)

Anonymous said...

However you feel about your weight and the way you look right now, you WILL look back on these photos of yourself when you're older and wish you had appreciated how beautiful (and young!) you were. You also will know that you were tired and too hard on yourself. What if you choose to be kind to yourself like that right now, if only for today?

Darcie

Fresh Mommy said...

xoxo Beautiful Mama. The real and raw posts are sometimes the best, most beautiful moments. They're the real you, the unedited kind... and we all need to do that sometimes! I just wrote one myself about a week ago after getting on myself to "get over it already," but the writing? It helps. It helps those feelings find a way to escape. And it feels good!

For one, you're gorgeous!! When we're tired and stressed and feeling sad, we never feel as gorgeous, but you are!

Moving mostly sucks, and I'm so sorry. We moved almost exactly one year ago from Michigan to Florida and though I was so excited, it was also one of the hardest things with two little ones... and it also kickstarted one of the hardest years we've had (with a pregnancy and then loss after the "safe" 12 weeks, job changes, oldest starting kindergarten, being away from family through everything). So moving? Not so easy. Sending you lots of hugs and strength!!

I know you've got amazing friends around you that will help and are totally there for you!! In case you need one more, just send a message and you can call or Skype to vent anytime at all.

Take photos of your fave spaces, and your little ones in those spaces. Those are some of the pictures I like most from home :) They bring back all the good memories.

With love and mama smiles,
~Tabitha

bekamills said...

Aw Heidi,

Your gorgeous, with your writing and your truth you share. i hope you settle perfectly into your new home. I'm sure you will.
And girl, weight, this whole freaking world is obsessed with weight. But in the right time you will be able to burn those jeans and you'll be proud, as though you just climbed the world's biggest mountain! Go get it girl.

Your totally gorgeous how you are. I love that about you and your blog and your instagram. Its real.

xox

Crystal berry said...

Heidi I cried , I laughed I felt ur pain! But allow me to tell u you are blessed ! I am a mother of 7 yes 7.... 4 of them are mine as you know my husband passes away and my father recently passed away and I am becoming the legal guardian of my 3 little sisters ! All of these Angels hid have me will never have the privilege to say the word dad for its been taken away! Ur eight we should be able to vent I cry I cry everyday nite and day ! I have none of my family for support my finances don't allow me to even soil them a little ! Let's just say it's not often I can splurge on even some candy from the Sam $&@ has station for them ! I try his knows I try I work and drive them to schools and homework and laundry and listen ! But I will tell I something I noticed there is no humanity anymore ! I are blesses sweet love ur so blessed, I am going to continue to believe the glass is half full and god has a plan and pray everyday I can pay my rent and bills and I will continue to believe one day it will get better unjust hope it won't be to late, can u just imagine how it feels to have been able to provide all these years and in an intent a simple backpack or some school clothes has become something I'm not able to provide ! So YES I cry I cry every night but would I change it not at all . I get 7 kisses in the morning and night and that's my courage to keep going and pray a miracle happens ! Thank you for writing this because it feels good to finally say what makes me cry every night ! Stand up brush it off and do what we do best... Hold the walls of our families up!

Sarah said...

Thanks for sharing yourself with us!

Ashley said...

Heidi, Thank you for being soooo honest. I too struggled with my weight after twins...I LOVE to eat!!! I am that person who plans everything around food.

You are such a beautiful woman...both inside and outside. You radiate joy and beauty. You seem like such a wonderful wife, mommy and friend. Do not feel bad at all...you are nursing and Ivy is ONLY a few months old. It will happen. I finally lost weight once my twins were weaned at 14 months!!! I would love to come to the maternity jeans burning party...light those on fire!!

Take care...

Ashley Stacell (AshMommy6504)

Ashley said...

Heidi, Thank you for being soooo honest. I too struggled with my weight after twins...I LOVE to eat!!! I am that person who plans everything around food.

You are such a beautiful woman...both inside and outside. You radiate joy and beauty. You seem like such a wonderful wife, mommy and friend. Do not feel bad at all...you are nursing and Ivy is ONLY a few months old. It will happen. I finally lost weight once my twins were weaned at 14 months!!! I would love to come to the maternity jeans burning party...light those on fire!!

Take care...

Ashley Stacell (AshMommy6504)

Catherine said...

I loved this post the best. Please write like this more often and don't be afraid of what you might accidentally share. I have a patient I take care of who was crying the other day, I asked her why and she said, "Sometimes I just cry!" I told her I do the same. We all need to just cry once and awhile, and if you need to let it out more than usual, well that's okay too.

I love the pictures of the baby. Your photos capture so much.

And the jeans, well, let's call them transition jeans right now.

kasey said...

Oh Heidi, I read this post last week but didn't comment. I cannot stop thinking about your maternity jeans. You have to get rid of them. You have given birth to 3 children- THREE CHILDREN!! Most women who have one pregnancy do not return to their exact "pre-pregnancy body." You will probably never return to your "pre-pregnancy body" or wear your "pre-pregancy jeans." That is not a bad thing!! You have an amazing sense of style and you are beautiful. Go shopping-- Embrace the body you have right now, and choose (non-maternity) clothes that compliment you and your body. You will find them. It doesn't matter what size they are- it matters how they feel and look. Get rid of those maternity jeans!!!

Rhonda said...

You're real Heidi and your emotions are real!
So great that you can get it out and not pretend that its not huge!!

I said to my husband today, I would have more children (currently we have 4 between us- 3 are mine) If only I had a nanny to help with the cooking and cleaning. They are constant and draining in my world.
If only I could just have the time to love and nurture my babies without all the stuff that gets us down.
Hugs Sister...and you know....This too shall pass and you will be rocking skinny jeans in no time :)

xo
R

Kristy said...

Can I just say that i love reading your blog? You are so honest,witty and truly remind me of myself. I just had my second bambino on June 29 and everytime I read your blog I am reminded to snuggle her up more and cherish these sweet,overwhelming, house falling apart because I HAVE chosen to watch HGTV, eat chocolate and nurse her on the couch for hours. :) Lol! But seriously, thanks for keeping it real and saying "maternity jeans" outloud. Its nice to know I'm not alone on that horrendous subject! :)
And Ivy's eyes....my goodness-so amazing! You are truly blessed! thank you for sharing your life with us :) xoxo
kristy

Sarah said...

I suck at change, too....and I suck at living amongst chaos. I NEEED (like really NEED) my house to be in order for me to feel grounded, sane, and calm. It can be lived in, and toys can be out and all over, but I need to have the counters clean, the sink empty, and things in the places they belong!!

I hope the house can get into living order BEFORE you have to move down the street!!

And if not, then, Ivy will learn LOTS about how to decorate and make a house into a home while the big kids are at school! :)

caygraymomma said...

Ok, so first, that first photo of the bus coming around the corner took my breath away. I could feel through it, which is always awesome. Your sweet soft hearted little man melts me. It is a beautiful thing that he is still willing to run back to you and expose his vulnerabilities. Gorgeous.

Second, since reading this post, the thought of palm rats has haunted me and I must confess, I now wonder if we have the equivalent here, a Douglas Fir rat? Actually, it's probably the squirrels. The thought of those jumping on my head is only slightly less horrifying.

Third, the whole beating yourself up cause others have bigger problems things, so not fair. Your frustrations and sadness are no less valid because of a perceived notion that others have it worse. It's okay to be sad about this. One day you will not be sad about this, and you will not be overwhelmed by the work, but it's cool to feel what you feel right now cause that is the awesome thing about being a human rather than a robot, feelings. Me and my sista from anutha mutha have a saying, "you can go there, you just can't live there" :)

Finally, dear lord woman, you are beautiful inside and out, and the style and size of jeans you wear will not change that fact for anything. I totally, I mean TOTALLY get where you are coming from, but allow me, a fairly strange stranger to be one more voice telling you that you are beautiful. My little magicman would gladly sing inspirational Bruno Mars songs to you, cause it's his jam.

Thank you for the raw post, and for being brave enough to share it and leave it.
Mwah
Lisa

nicolette gawthrop said...

hi. I'm your new follower. ;)

the baby boy bus moment drew some tears here (and I'm not a big crier)

I'd be all kindsa loopty loops if we were moving! (I have a baby and a toddler). good luck! it's been a few weeks since this post, hope you are feeling more comfy w your craze. you are not alone


Anonymous said...

Honestly, do you REALLY believe you are going to be skinny after three kids? I wouldn't count on that. You are the image of your mother.

Amy said...

Oh you are singing my song. I fight with food constantly.

Best of luck to you!
~Amy
www.muststopbinging.blogspot.com

nhoines said...

Heidi, you are beautiful. You are amazing. You are a wife, a mother and a woman. Stay strong! :)

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Moving is so stressful. But writing out your thoughts and feelings helps. So much. And so does having a cry. Strength and love to you. Things will feel better soon xx

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