a year ago tonight...

tonight, i am scurrying around the house looking for my bag of ribbon, the box of glue...wrapping paper. balloons. i'm scrubbing the dried banana off the tray of ivy's highchair. i'm tired from running around after my wobbly new bambi walking baby. 

my baby that despises having her diaper changed but loves when you ask her where her eyes are. my floor is scattered with blocks, babies, and cheerios.

what i am doing tonight is so very different to what i was doing exactly a year ago on this very night. the night before this baby was born. 

what is it about knowing what you were doing at an exact moment that makes you kinda want to remember each moment...it's a weird feeling that i can not explain but one that i keep visiting. 

i've been absent from blog world...and i have missed it. okay...let me make a disclaimer...

i am having a hard time getting into the groove of writing here. i am struggling as i often do when i am so emotional about something. my brain has a hard time forming sentences and complete thoughts, so if you are reading my little ol' blog, i'll get there. just need a little practice. 

you see, sometimes i forget that people read what i share here at heididarwish.com. and although i write this blog as a way to document memories for our family, the friendships, support and love i have received here has been overwhelming, so for that...thank you, friends. i love the love. end disclaimer. 

a year ago tonight, i was scurrying around the house a little slower. i remember feeling exhausted and excited but extremely sad to say bye to the huge baby bump. 

i was searching for extra camera batteries, and bagging up little butter mint hospital room favors. i read the kids a book and kissed them goodnight twenty times and reminded them that after school the next day, they would have a baby brother or sister. i told them that they would always be my babies... we made more gender guesses before we sent them to their grandparents house for the night. 

 with a black sharpie and in my prettiest writing, i labeled champagne glasses with, "#3."

jeff kept telling me to go to sleep, "you need to be rested for tomorrow morning." 

rested to have a baby. i played the words over in my mind over and over again and thought, "i'm the luckiest person in the world right now!" 

i'm havin' a baby tomorrow. 

when the house was quiet and long after jeff went to bed, right about now...i ran a bath and talked to my belly. with only hours left, i wanted to soak in those last hours with the baby i could feel moving in my belly. i remember i pushed on a little bulge in my belly...guessing what body part it was and then loving that part so much it hurt. 

yes, tonight it very different and as much as i want to go back and relive those moments again...push my baby into the world and into my arms, i know i can not.

a year ago i was preparing to do the thing i love to do most in this world...deliver my baby. it's not just having a baby... it's the whole thing. it's the whole process. it's the registering, it's watching the epidural video...again, it's laying out little clothes, doctors visits, birth plan talks with the doc...it's the ceremony, the job of having a baby. i love it all.

and as i get further away from ivy's birth, it is so bittersweet, so tonight i shall bask in the warmth of nostalgia. it feel good here. 

i feel closer to those moments right now than i have in a year. 





in between not having her and having...

we have done a lot of living and loving and getting to know our ivy. 


and i will play some catch up here in posting some photos of our past year, tonight i will leave it as it is. i will forever remember the night before her birth as a special time of just the two of us...getting ready to take on this big and beautiful world...together. 



this year has flown by and as sad as i am to have this year be over, it was a good year. a really good year. it's gone to quickly...much to quickly but we all love our girl and getting to celebrate her first birthday tomorrow is just another little dream that is coming true. 










our baby girl is growing up. happy birthday, ivy. we love you so, so much.

(i wanted to add more photos but i am having uploading issues. pics too big. 

 i will post bday pics tomorrow.)

xo