Tuesday, March 5, 2013

a year ago tonight...

tonight, i am scurrying around the house looking for my bag of ribbon, the box of glue...wrapping paper. balloons. i'm scrubbing the dried banana off the tray of ivy's highchair. i'm tired from running around after my wobbly new bambi walking baby. 

my baby that despises having her diaper changed but loves when you ask her where her eyes are. my floor is scattered with blocks, babies, and cheerios.

what i am doing tonight is so very different to what i was doing exactly a year ago on this very night. the night before this baby was born. 

what is it about knowing what you were doing at an exact moment that makes you kinda want to remember each moment...it's a weird feeling that i can not explain but one that i keep visiting. 

i've been absent from blog world...and i have missed it. okay...let me make a disclaimer...

i am having a hard time getting into the groove of writing here. i am struggling as i often do when i am so emotional about something. my brain has a hard time forming sentences and complete thoughts, so if you are reading my little ol' blog, i'll get there. just need a little practice. 

you see, sometimes i forget that people read what i share here at heididarwish.com. and although i write this blog as a way to document memories for our family, the friendships, support and love i have received here has been overwhelming, so for that...thank you, friends. i love the love. end disclaimer. 

a year ago tonight, i was scurrying around the house a little slower. i remember feeling exhausted and excited but extremely sad to say bye to the huge baby bump. 

i was searching for extra camera batteries, and bagging up little butter mint hospital room favors. i read the kids a book and kissed them goodnight twenty times and reminded them that after school the next day, they would have a baby brother or sister. i told them that they would always be my babies... we made more gender guesses before we sent them to their grandparents house for the night. 

 with a black sharpie and in my prettiest writing, i labeled champagne glasses with, "#3."

jeff kept telling me to go to sleep, "you need to be rested for tomorrow morning." 

rested to have a baby. i played the words over in my mind over and over again and thought, "i'm the luckiest person in the world right now!" 

i'm havin' a baby tomorrow. 

when the house was quiet and long after jeff went to bed, right about now...i ran a bath and talked to my belly. with only hours left, i wanted to soak in those last hours with the baby i could feel moving in my belly. i remember i pushed on a little bulge in my belly...guessing what body part it was and then loving that part so much it hurt. 

yes, tonight it very different and as much as i want to go back and relive those moments again...push my baby into the world and into my arms, i know i can not.

a year ago i was preparing to do the thing i love to do most in this world...deliver my baby. it's not just having a baby... it's the whole thing. it's the whole process. it's the registering, it's watching the epidural video...again, it's laying out little clothes, doctors visits, birth plan talks with the doc...it's the ceremony, the job of having a baby. i love it all.

and as i get further away from ivy's birth, it is so bittersweet, so tonight i shall bask in the warmth of nostalgia. it feel good here. 

i feel closer to those moments right now than i have in a year. 

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in between not having her and having...
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we have done a lot of living and loving and getting to know our ivy. 

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and i will play some catch up here in posting some photos of our past year, tonight i will leave it as it is. i will forever remember the night before her birth as a special time of just the two of us...getting ready to take on this big and beautiful world...together. 
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this year has flown by and as sad as i am to have this year be over, it was a good year. a really good year. it's gone to quickly...much to quickly but we all love our girl and getting to celebrate her first birthday tomorrow is just another little dream that is coming true. 

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our baby girl is growing up. happy birthday, ivy. we love you so, so much.
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(i wanted to add more photos but i am having uploading issues. pics too big. 
 i will post bday pics tomorrow.)



Heidi said...

She's just beautiful! Happy birthday - to both of you! :)

Jannice said...

Happy first birthday to your beautiful little girl! Time goes by wayyyy too fast...it makes me mad:)
My own babies are growing too fast as well! I hope you all have a great day tomorrow!

Sian said...

I have missed your blog so much! But Instagram and little peeks of you guys on Kelle's blog have made me happy. Still I'm shocked she is already a year old. How quick it has gone? She is so adorable look at her walking!

Glad you are back, I hope you stay a while!

Hugs to you lovely lady xxx

Rhonda said...

Tears...great to read your thoughts. there is nothing more incredible then the bond you share with your child. I will forever reminisce about the pregnancy; the pushing into this world and all the sweet moments each day i get being their momma :) so blessed to be on this journey . eat cake and celebrate, ivy is 1!!!! happy birthday sweet girl. xo

Carlita_Welly said...

Thank you for sharing! A year ago I was boarding a plane to Fort Myers for a vacation and every Starbucks, or free wifi place I could find I was updating Instagram to see if baby Darwish had arrived yet. I first saw her picture that evening while sitting in a sun chair breathing in the sweet ocean air and relaxing after letting go of the cold cold days we had just endured leading up to our vacation. Her sweet face and your happy tears started off my vacation in the very best way. Enjoy your day Heidi, and your beautiful family. There is SO MUCH excitement ahead of you. Big hugs.

Sarah said...

She's beautiful Heidi!! Happy birthday Ivy!!

wendywinn said...

Happy Birthday to missy Ivy and love to you Heidi......being one.....it's all bittersweet

Becky at lifeoutoffocus said...

She's gorgeous and I'm so glad you have Instagram because watching her grow this year has been awesome. Happy birthday Ivy!

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday to sweet beautiful Ivy and her beautiful mama too! Celebrate!


Leah said...

Heidi, I started following you on IG via Kelle... Your kiddos are precious! Happy Birthday to beautiful Miss Ivy! One is such an awesome age! :)

Anonymous said...

Glad to read a post! Enjoy that one year old, each age is precious in it's own way!

Beth J said...

Happy first birthday, Ivy!

Tali said...

beautiful! I enjoy following your sweet posts about your family. I am pregnant with my third and final baby and you remind me to savor each moment! Happy birthday to your sweet girl.

Brianne Heape said...

I haven't seen photos of your other 2 babies, but Ivy is one of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen. (Side note: I can't believe I've been following your blog for a year!Or that Ivy is a year old already!)
Happy Birthday, Ivy! And happy birthing day, Heidi!

HP Freeman PNI said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jen Biasi said...

Happy Birthday, beautiful Ivy!
Oh Heids, I totally get the nostalgia thing. This very morning I had to trade out all of AJ's size 4 Toy Story undies for Justice League. Size 6. *sigh* That said, I believe my birth story would have gone something like this: babies!babies!babies!babies!babies!babies!babies!babies!babies! oh shit. babies!babies!babies!
Love you. xo

Loosy said...

This just got me all teary and chokey and happy and heart palputationy...Beautiful words and images for a beautiful girl and her beautiful momma and beautiful family.

Happy Birthday Ivy! xoxo

Molly said...

Heidi! I am SO happy to hear your voice again in this space! Happy Happy Birthday to sweet Ivy, I hope you enjoy this day as much as she does.

LW said...

I hope you blog more often. Thank you for being relatable.

Happy birthday Ivy :)

Jennjilla said...

Can't believe it's already been a year! Happy Birthday, sweet Ivy! It's been so fun to watch you grow!

Cheers from Texas,

blissmamaof3 said...

Beautiful, you have been missed. It goes so fast, glad to hear I'm not alone in my lament.

blissmamaof3 said...

Happy birthday sweet Ivy! Mama, you did good :)

Shannon {ava_caitlyn} said...

Sweet Ivy-girl! I have loved watching her grow, on here, and over on IG. You are a lovely Mama, and you have a lovely family! Savor this little one, and her special day!

Patti said...

happy birthday, ivy !!! oxoxox

Sarah said...

What an awesome surprise to see a new blog post from you! I love your blog and photos! Ivy is SO beautiful! Happy birthday sweet girl!

Brittany Harris said...

My little turns 1 in a few days and I have loved watching them both change over this past year. I was having a really hard time with this first birthday but love looking at it the way you do. It has been a good year, a very good year. Thank you and welcome back to the blog world! We miss ya!

Rachael said...

What a sweet post with beautiful photos! Glad to see you back on this space:) Happy first birthday Ivy!!

Sarah said...

Welcome back!! Love to you and your family. :) Sarah

Annie said...

I cannot believe it has been a year already! What a beautiful family you have.
My 3rd and last baby is 8 months already. it was fun reliving those same moments you described.

Julie said...

This summer we were utterly surprised by a 3rd pregnancy. It's beginning to wind down now and this hits so very close to home. Both of my older girls were induced so I know the feelings of that "last night" so well. I look forward to having that experience one more time and yet I'm mourning the end already!

Tonya said...

Happy birthday Ivy! Thank you for sharing your family, Heidi.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back sister friend.... I know a lot more read then comment, I am one of them. Love your sweet family, your cooking, pics, and inspiration. Thank god for instagram or I would totally miss it :-)...
Happy birthday to sweet ivy.. It reminds me that I am only 5 mths away from my babies 1st .. (A 3rd surprise for my family too). Your girl has had quite a year.. And I can't believe she is walking/running around! Thanks again for welcoming us back in. You were missed

Roksalanna said...

Happy 1st Birthday beautiful Ivy Lynn! Have a great time being a one year old!

mistene said...

I truly believe that birthdays are birth days.... and secretly for us mommas to remember every thought and feeling that went through us throughout labour. I was thinking today about whether or not Im done (we have two girls already) and your post is exactly (and I mean EXACTLY) about what I would miss about saying Im finished. It is so wonderful.

Happy Birthday Ivy!

Anonymous said...
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Maddydog said...

Yay, was so happy to see you had wrote on your blog!! Happy 1st birthday, Ivy Lynn!!

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday, dear Ivy. It's an honor to see your little cherub face on Instagram as often as we do. xo from NYC!!!

Susie said...

Happy Birthday Ivy! And Heidi, I know exactly how you feel. So hard letting go knowing you will never experience those wonderful moments again, but at least you've had it three times! So blessed :)

Tammie said...

I just love the baby picture of her with her little belly button sticking out, so precious. She is One beautiful little ONE year old, Happy Birthday Ivy. What a beautiful family you have. I do have to say I miss your blogging and check for it. Thanks for sharing with me.

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday, beautiful Ivy! I sure have been missing your blog..thanks for the post!

Jill B (Overland Park, KS)

SuperMilf said...

Happy Birthday sweet Ivy! As a blog and IG follower...I cannot believe it's been a year! I love following you and your beautiful faily...thank you for sharing your family with the rest of us!

Anonymous said...

Happy 1st birthday to your baby! So glad you posted a blog.

Being selfish, I hope you continue to write.

Malu said...

I just loved that you came back to the blog!! Welcome back, Heidi!!

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CB said...

I am so happy you posted, I have been wondering "how are you doing" (very strange but comforting for someone who has never met you . . . the internet is strange that way!)
Happy birthday to Ivy, and happy one-year to you as Mamma-of-Three

Smiles CB

Melissa said...

Nice to have you back Heidi! I read your blog often, but never comment.

So thought I'd come out of hiding to tell you how much I love to read your words.

Not yet a mamma, but having always felt the ache to be, you are an inspiration to me! It is so comforting to know that feeling everything BIG is ok, in fact it seems to me that it's necessary when you are a mamma. It's nice to know that (hopefully) one day my life will be as big as my feelings and everything will feel full and right and lovely.

Happy Birthday, sweet Ivy.

Werdna Miths said...

Uh, she's turning one. Not getting sent to a gas chamber. Cut it out with the bullshit mourning. Goddamn.

Heidi said...

thank you sian and breanna! it goes by so quickly!
carlita...aww. thanks for taking me back to that day!xoxo

julie, congrats on your third!!! so exciting to have this journey with two older ones!

melissa! your words brought tears. thank you!


werdna...you are welcome to share your opinions here, but hurtful and mean spirited words will be deleted. i hope you understand:)

KellyDove said...

I relate to this post maybe more than anything I have read in months. My boy - my beautiful, smart, snuggly boy, can push my buttons like nobody's business. And when I'm done yelling, or making him sit in his chair, or otherwise generally losing my shit, I am ashamed and vow to have a more measured dog-whisperer like response next time. But eventually I lose my mind again. We've been there. You did a great job of capturing it in words. Hang in there, and try not to beat yourself up.

Accept your in-laws' help. We have no family here and I would so do it if we did. Not a sign of weakness.

KellyDove said...

And my girl is turning 1 in a month, and there is some aspect of that that feels like a death to me. Not to demean real death -- but the end if infancy. My last baby is growing up and as much as it is exciting, I mourn it every day.

KellyDove said...

And I accidentally commented on the wrong post. Idiot. Sorry. :)

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