I don't know why i just wrote that sentence.
why, as women, do we feel the need to apologize for our feelings?
why can't we just feel and feel free to do so?
guilt. what is that about? it's almost a constant state of being for me since becoming a mother. well, i'm going to write free tonight and not think about i'm writing and i'll let panick rush over me in the morning as i run to my computer and read through too tired eyes at what i decided to share with the blog world when i wasn't in the best, shall i say, state of mind. yes. i said it. i'm going a little bit crazeballs over here.
do i sound nuts? yeah, maybe. i'm cool with it though.
let me tell you what's going on...
we are moving. just down the street. it's not far and the kids will remain at their current school (thank goodness for that) and it will be a beautiful home when we finally get the floors down and the rats, yes, rats out of the attic. palm rats. does that sound better than rats?
no, not to me either, but my husband tried to sell it to me that way. didn't work.
they live in palm trees. who knew. so now, i am not only afraid to walk into the new house; i now fear walking beneath a palm tree (a tree i used to admire for it sunny simplicity) for fear that a palm rat will fall on top of me or my kids. the image plays over and over in my mind. i'm sure that this occurrence is rare as i have never heard of such an incidence actually happening.
i'm sad.
bummed.
blue.
a tad heartsick.
i can't shake the feelings i am having but at the same time i'm kind of sick of hearing myself. it's like, move on woman! get it together. what's the big deal?
it is a big deal. for some it may not be, but for me, it is all i think about.
i think the move will be for the best, but i can't see it yet. rather, i'm not allowing myself to see it. i'm like a kicking and screaming three year old child whose lollipop you've just taken away because you didn't want me to ruin my dinner.
logically, i know we will be happy there. i know i will make a home out of the little yellow house on the left. i will rock out cool paint colors and add sweet touches from this home into the new one so my kids will feel more comfortable until they settle in... but i need to cry for a bit first and i think that's okay and deserved and important.
this is the home we just brought our little tagalong baby home to. it's where peyton and beckham have grown from babies to big kids, a kinder and 2nd grader. nearly grown. so many memories. so much growing. we have deep roots here.
ivy's nursery has barely been used and now we are leaving.
the cold hard truth of it all is, we won't be here for christmas. that kills me. kiiiilss me.
and it's not just the new house that needs a full reno job that's got me climbing the walls and almost defiantly overwhelmed, bringing a baby home is amazing and nothing but good, but it's work adding a new human to a family of other young people. young people who need as much, if not more love, than before the new addition.
simply: i don't want to work as hard as i will need to to get us into that house in two months. i feel like i was already working hard taking care of and nurturing three kids. cleaning house, preparing meals, homework, my work, cooking ... you all know what we do...it's a freaking lot. a lot. and it's great. a privilege.
and i'm living a dream. a wonderful blessed dream of three healthy kids, food on the table and a roof over our heads.
a million people could call me, among other things, selfish and ungrateful for my attitude but i assure you, this has nothing to do with gratitude. because gratitude, i have in spades. and i thank god each and everyday for what i have been given, because i have so much.
no, this is not about gratitude. this is about change...and how i suck at it.
i will win no awards for attacking change in an elegant and poised manner.
if there was such an award, i'm pretty sure i'd face plant. hard. and it would hurt. even so, i would learn from sucking at it. it's a learning experience. it's life. this is the beauty of good funk. of this, i am perfectly sure.
and i may let my sadness out and have a solid cry when the kids go to school. i think i like a good cry. it's like my mourning of choice. that and eating chocolate and i don't intend that to be funny. it just is what it is.
my friend calls it flailing. like when a newborn baby starts throwing her arms around and slaps herself in the face. that baby cries because something is hurting her and since she doesn't know that she is hurting herself, she keeps hitting herself in the face. her mama needs to swaddle that baby and i, i need to give myself a nice big kick in the ass.
oh, and maybe i'm a bit pissed that i am still wearing my maternity jeans.
i !@#$% hate these things. what was once a symbol of my need for an expanded waistline to comfortably accommodate my growing baby, is now the bane of my existence.
my weight has always been a struggle for me. i'm up. i'm down. up. down. up. up. up.
you know those people who eat when they are sad or eat when they are happy or eat when the sky turns orangey-red...that's me. i have always have a reason to snag a piece of chocolate.
so, i knew it was getting out of control when i grabbed some edy's chocolate, nothing fancy, ice-cream, grabbed and spoon and walked to my room.
jeff, trying to encourage me (because i made him promise to me that he would) called out, "just say no!"
i barely turned around as i hastily snapped back, "i'm sad. i'm having some chocolate ice cream. let me be."
poor guy. sorry jeff.
it's a freaking roller coaster ride i'm willing to throw myself from once and forever. i am choosing to be healthy for myself and for my kids. besides that, i want to buy some cute things without worrying about how it will look. there is SO much freedom in that.
my friend, wylie introduced me to an app called my net diary . i was doing really well and putting in calorie values in for each meal. i'm not a great calorie counter, so i would loosely try to look up and input the correct amount of calories. i am not a attached to this counter, rather, i use it as a reference and to keep me reminded of what (and how much) i am eating. i often forget about the few m&m's that i shared with beckham or the yogurt i finished because peyton left it on the counter.
hoping that i can make some more progress so i can very quickly, have a Maternity Jeans BURNING ceremony! i will invite you all!
whew. i feel better. thanks for listening;) i need to make it point to keep this house tidier. i don't know why i feel like i am constantly in motion, cleaning, working, doing,... and i still can't keep the crap, the toys, the books off of the dang floor.
i need a magic wand and five more hours of sleep a day. that's all.
xo
and, because i am so behind in blogging, here are a few photos!
first bus ride. they were both ecstatic to ride the bus this year. i don't want them to do it, but who am i to stand in their way of growing up.
as i waited with them on the corner, i couldn't help but take in the scene.
they are so BIG. the familiar tug at my heart presented itself again. i know the sensation well and i knew i needed to keep my emotions in check and let this be about them and there big day.
they looked so confident and proud waiting for the bus. all morning they had been worried they would miss the bus.
beckham, in particular, would call out from anywhere in the house.
"mama, we're going to miss the bus."
"no, sweetheart. we still have an hour before the bus!"
this went on about every 5 minutes.
kids from the surrounding houses in our neighborhood started making their way to the bus stop. moms and dads of kinders came with cameras and proud as well as nervous and brave smiles.
soon, we heard the bus riding alumni screaming, the bus is coming. the bus is coming!
as the bus rounded the corner and onto our street, my little guy, ran up to me and didn't say a word as he grabbed my hand and smiled at me.
he was scared.
finally, he said "mommy, i'm nervous to go on the bus." his little brown eyes boring holes into mine. i quickly said that it was okay and that i would drive him.
inside i was hoping he would chicken out and want a ride with me, but as soon as the bus parked in front of us, he let go of my hand and ran to grab his sister's hand and they both waved goodbye.
it was over. they were gone.
i walked into the house feeling that feeling one feels when emotion is as it's highest and then it comes crashing down. i'm never sure if i should use that energy to clean or let myself collapse onto the couch and watch HGTV.
instead i saw this,
i'm here, mama. it's just you and me for 8 hours.
so, we played and waited for big brother and sister to come home.
wanted to post more pics but photobucket is freaking frozen. more later. between the hard times, i see so much happy. the black eyes above is from running makeup, but i posted it because i still like the picture. all smeary and smudgy.
grateful.
