until tomorrow...{pondering}

i have a list...a long to do list. it seems to grow faster than i can draw a colored line of my choice through it. i know i am no different than anyone else, but i want to enjoy this season with my two little ones even more this year.

jeff and i stumbled upon our old videos of the kids recently. we watched a couple and as much as i enjoyed and hung on every single second of each video, my heart rejoiced in having the memories tucked safely away in a black cd case, but was heavy at the same time. it hurts a little to hear those little voices and little faces knowing you can never go back.

we can never get these moments back. it hit me hard long after jeff had gone to bed. i couldn't sleep. the next day i called kelle and tears ran down my face as i told her of the emotional night it had been to relive moments of the past.

she told me she understood and said that it can be hard for her as well but that it is supposed to feel that way. she made me feel better while being honest at the same time. "you can't go back, but watching them can remind you of what you want to do better with today!" it was good advice.

i was happy to hear that it wasn't just some pregnancy hormone pulsing through my body causing me to over analyze each thought, idea and emotion. it's normal to feel a bit of a loss when looking at those videos.

the next night, peyton asked me if we could see another video of when she was a baby and i made up some excuse as to why another night would be better. i lied. an innocent lie. the truth was, it was hard for me to enjoy the movies without thinking, 'did i do enough with them? did i spend enough time with them? did i lose my temper on those babies when i was exhausted and unshowered? did play with them enough, tell them i love them enough times so it stuck? praise them enough or too much, smile enough,...????

i was turning such beautiful keepsake memories into this doom and gloom crap and it sucked. i never wanted to watch another video again.

but i did, because peyton asked.

again, i looked for signs of good parenting but this time i cried happy tears at the baby voice i swore years ago, i would never forget. time and new happy memories softly fade cherished memories from the past. it's supposed to happen like that. it's like your brain making room for better things to come. it's also a reminder to take more video and snap more photos!!!

looking back at your children at any age less than what they are presently, must feel similar to anyone. i realize this little pang of wanting to go back will always be.

however, i've learned that watching these home movies of a time that seemed so innocent...two newbie parents just trying to do it right. learning together as a threesome, then a family four. a time when taking video was second nature because neither of us wanted to miss a thing. we were younger, had less grey hair and cooing over babies was all that was on the agenda.

watching these videos have now become a learning experience for me. to remind me that we all do the best we can. at any given time, we are all doing what we think is right.

now when i watch the videos, and we have been each night, we all laugh as a family at the baby talk of beckham and the dancing big sister. it's a chance to take a break from a life that seems to get busier as each child gets older.

no more heavy heart. now when i watch, i remind myself to be a little more like that younger mama in the movie. i'm proud of that mama. the me that used to spend most of my days down on the floor playing and loving and changing diapers. the girl who started off not sweating the small stuff. the little things i and i'm sure other parents eventually worry about when their kids are old enough to participate in other social acitivities. i've learned, it's just a phase and it will pass. i used to stress out that peyton wouldn't stay in her dancing class. all of the other ballerinas would sweetly mimic what the dance teacher would ask, but peyton would run out at any given moment to find me and cry that she wanted to go home. what's so wrong with that? she was three.

at the time, it seemed like such a failure on my part of instilling good independent skills and self confidence. i remember crying and googling ways to learn how to make her want to be a part of something other than me. the same thing happened with soccer.

none of it mattered then. she just didn't want to go. so what. i'm a little ashamed at the way i obsessed over it. now i wish she would hesitate before she ran off with a friend to play.

she's a normal little girl. beckham is a typical little boy. they all learn on their own time.

it's amazing what a little seasoned parenting can have on one's perspective. and when a heavy heart over takes a happy moment while taking a cruise down memory lane, it will quickly pass when you look at your children right along side of you...smiling at their younger selves. laughing and smiling. it's a reminder to enjoy. they are! i will too. learning from them...again.

until tomorrow tonight when i write a full post- this was just a little ponder.

please go take some video. your future self will love you for it.

life.

the alarm goes off and i begin to mentally pry my eyes open to another day. they sting with revolt and my brain begins to play tricks on me. i think i'm awake and dressed, with hair and make-up neatly applied- a good day for me as i normally throw my hair in a pony and spend my morning primping my girl, assisting my little guy in brushing his molars correctly before i barely have a chance to get a decent breakfast in their mouths before we peel out of the driveway to make it to school before the second bells rings.

in reality, i'm still in bed and i've not done thing one yet. i stay in bed as long as i can and when finally my toes begin to tingle with the anticipation of leaving the safety and warmth of my bed to the cold, hard floor...i have to get up!

i can only imagine that most busy moms feel the same way. the joys of motherhood. the monotony of it all. the normalcy of it. the joy of it. it's comforting.

lately though, i have been popping out of bed. and even though my eyes still sting when the alarm goes off...my heart seems to beat a bit quicker and the urgency to get things going kicks in and i do it with more vigor and pep in my step than i have in years.

because, mornings are SO NOT my thing...this is a big deal for me. i'm sure it won't last past one day after Tagalong comes along, but i'll enjoy it while i have it. getting up early is like joining a new club of winners. people i have always admired.

it's the club that welcomes the dedicated employees who rush off to work each morning with coffee in hand and smile on face; the club that welcomes the running goddesses who wake up early to run before the baby wakes up for it's morning feeding; the same club that must be responsible for the good hair and perfectly styled outfit that is so effortlessly demonstrated by the parents who are walking by me in the morning from dropping their children off at school (on time)!

i've always wanted to be a real part of that club and i don't even like clubs. but the 'early morning' club is a group of motivated folks who gets the job done. i love them.

so, for me, i love this part of pregnancy. i am freaking out. i'm not going to lie. i. am. freaking. out. about so much about this little one i love so much already, but the side effects of a good freak-out are usually worth it.

i love is all the extra time we are cramming into ten months into spending with our two little ones. we love them so much and subconsciously and without even talking to each another about it...we are loving up these kids like their is no tomorrow.

in some ways we are probably doing something that any health care professional may say is damaging to our children, but i've said it once before and i'll say it again...we are doing what we think is best because what else can anyone do, right?!

my sister's family and my parents are in florida right now! they are almost never in florida, the cost of airfare sees to that, but they are here now and we are in disney world for a couple of days.

and i have so much to share, like my baby's 5th year birthday, but that will have to wait until i get home on sunday because i need to take some time and it feels like my eyes are going on strike if i don't shut them soon.

but i wanted to say hi.

normalcy makes me happy these days. i wanted to share. what 'normal' thing makes you happy or content?

a few photos:

family of 4 and beckham's first time experiencing magic kingdom. my FAVORITE thing he said all day:

after riding the Peter Pan ride on a 'flying' pirate ship,

"daddy, there really is magic here! there really is magic. it's soooooooo magic here. i knew it we were flying. we were really flying on a ship!"

his innocent and believing face is what stung my eyes that time, not exhaustion. bless his sweet little heart.

and my favorite peytonism of the day:

after she spotted the eiffel tower at epcot, she about leapt out of her seat and exclaimed...

"the eiffel tower, mommy! the eiffel tower. take me there, take me there!"

i'm not sure how she knows what the eiffel tower is or even where it is, but after we arrived in disney world, france she kept saying, "ooh la la, we've arrived in france!"

the kid makes me laugh.

23 week bump.

***

i have been extremely lucky to be so busy working and photographing babies and families. i find myself so blessed with a business that has grown over the last couple of years, and aside from this passion of mine that has allowed me to grow on many levels as a professional and creative woman...it is the friendships and bonds that have come from this work that i do that i find the most rewarding. so thank you to those who trust me with their memories.

i appreciate you.

i have been slacking on posting sneak peeks, so i am trying hard to post a sneak peek of all of my upcoming shoots providing the client doesn't want their photos kept under wraps for the holidays.

this family made an early saturday morning one of the most enjoyable ones i've had. they were kind and fun and this little face says it all...

nina, you are lovely little girl.

and mommy and daddy...

you two are gorge!

***

next post:

a little birthday love.

xoxoxo

happy 11.11.11

so...i'm happy.

lately, you can find me weeping. full on weeping at the most random times.

driving my car home from a milk, egg, and cheese run; on the way to pick my kids up from school; sitting on the couch...alone; while talking on the phone, i could easily break into cry as easily and quickly as christina aguilera can jump to her 4th octave while changing into her whistle register (i googled that;).

i've been crying...but it's because i'm so happy! i'm not happy 100% of the time, but in general i just feel like a lucky girl. i guess i want to talk about it.

the other day my neighbor came to the door and after i opened it he said, "wow, are you as happy as you look?" surprised by his hello, i gave myself a little mental prop for appearing so happy and refreshed and when i really stopped to think about it, i looked happy because i was.

i'm not bragging my happiness around...i promise, i'm just happy that someone noticed and that my crying has not superseded the perception of my mental well-being. because sometimes, most times, i think i really could be losing my mind a bit.

i look to other moms in the hopes that, no i don't want anything bad to happen to them, but that yes, i would love to see a little teeny tiny breakdown of some sort. not the kind of breakdown that requires a psychologist, two neurologists, 5 xanax and a month of bed rest. no, i'm not evil.

you know the kind of freak-out i'm talkin' about. the exhausted, my-kid-pooped-in-his-pants-three-times-this morning-and-my-coffee-machine-broke-and-i'm-late-for-work-and-i look fat-in this-outfit kinda meltdown.

just a little something that reminds me that yes, i am normal...still. see, other good moms and wives crack-up for a minute or two...it's perfectly normal. we've all heard the old saying, misery loves company...which I HATE by the way because actually when i'm miserable, the last thing i want is miserable company, rather i will go looking for the nearest friend with a rainbow growing out of her bottom and tell her we need to go bake a pie or something.

my body is {growing} this tiny little human being that i can. not. wait. to. meet. what will he or she be like/look like/laugh like? where will i be when i hear he or she says, 'love you, mama!' for the first time. okay, gonna cry.

so growing out of my clothes...even my larger ones is all worth it, but those tears come to. that's not as pretty, but it's all part of life and learning and loving...blah, blah, blah!

what i'm really loving is this season and soon thanksgiving will be here and nothing excites me more than hanging with family in group settings. the kids will be bonding, telling secrets now because they are at that stage. we will eat and catch up and talk about the past and the future. yum. i can't wait.

i know my northern family members may differ on this thought, but i am missing the michigan fall and it's weather which warrants scarves, mittens, and layers of long johns over jeans!

i begged her to ignore the cold for one minute while i snapped one photo of them together...the next photo: after the promise of hot cocoa and cinnamon sugar donut. it works. no guilt on my part came with practice and consistency!

where happiness abounds according to b's face at least.

we soaked in the plethora of orange colored orbs that were waiting to be the 'chosen one!' and what is it about choosing a pumpkin that is perfect, in our own minds. of the four of us, we will shoot down ten pumpkins before selecting thee one. honestly, it's a fricking pumpkin. they're all beautiful in their own way. i need to relax! this advice will be heeded in regards to the choosing of the perfect christmas tree as well. CHRISTMAS TREE!!!!

we huddled together with mom and dad and then i ran as fast as i could to order my first cup of warm apple cider. nothing better.

***

birthday bowling with our michigan pals:

***

after the orchard...it was a hockey game. tickets courtesy of uncle gil...thank you, uncle gil!

and even though here in florida, we don't relish in the same kind of autumn environment, we do our best to have fun with it...

so we broke out the tools,

and set out to find the treasure within the pumpkin...

peyton wanted to use the timer on my camera to capture this moment of our family of four. it was a good idea.

the next day i visited peyton at school for her hat parade and when she spotted me in the crowd, she reached out to me...i suppressed an urge to cry (i think i may have a mental imbalance:) and grabbed her hand, happy that she still needs me to hold her hand when things get loud and crazy...i'm the one who can make her feel better, i won't always be the one, but on tuesday i was enough.

***

what's not to love about halloween. we get to dress up and walk around the neighborhood checking out the other kids and parents. it's good to be reminded that we are a part of a large community and every year i vow to be a better neighbor because i want to be the 'lady down the street,' that brings muffins and freshly cut flowers (out of my own garden) to new people, under the weather people,...but i'm not. i'm going to try harder...

we held our annual chili/hot dog feast before trick or treating. friends come over every year and i love the tradition!

the pumpkin was lit, the music was playing and the food was done...friends were coming

and when i heard one of the hubby's in the group say something softly but still loud enough for me to hear, i smiled and said, "what did you say?" and even though i already heard it once, it was exactly what was going through my mind at the time. he said, " oh, this is great. this is a great memory!" it was after he had greeted all of us with a hug and watched his wife hold their new son while smiling at his daughter. he was happy to be here.

:) felix.

my heart swelled, i may have teared up even. it made me so happy to see all of us together sharing some time together while our kids played star wars in the driveway and took the guinea pig for a mustang ride. that poor guinea.

friends, magic tricks...divine.

i think they ran the whole neighborhood this year.

afterward, the kids waited anxiously to hand out candy-

***

we had a safe night, but the next day it was back to work and while i am so blessed to be working and doing something that i love, it's been hard to juggle it all, but when shooting on a location at 7 am looks like this...

it rejuvenated me like nothing else has in a long time.

thanks, jenn for the pic!

and speaking of work... i have been so blessed with work this whole year. i haven't been posting sneak peeks on the blog for the last 6 months and instead have been posting them to facebook, but i want to get better at it and here is a shoot i did a few days ago.

megan, your sneak peek! it was such a fun morning with you and your handsome family!

these boys are ADORABLE...

and another sneak of my sister and her new husband, bobby!

and other photos that made me happy this week and captured with my iphone:

this girl and her budding style and attitude. i walked in on her sitting like this while eating her honey nut cheerios before school. she kept looking at her feet, crossed on the table. i played it cool but it's sweet to watch her grow up and care about what she looks like before she goes to school.

finding happiness, maybe contentment is a better word, has been easier these days...as it always is when their are so many things to look forward to.

feeling lucky lately.

i hope you find your lucky!

xoxoxoxoxo