Thursday, September 20, 2012

maternity jeans.

i will apologize in advance for the tone of this post. 

I don't know why i just wrote that sentence. 

why, as women, do we feel the need to apologize for our feelings? 
why can't we just feel and feel free to do so?

guilt. what is that about? it's almost a constant state of being for me since becoming a mother. well, i'm going to write free tonight and not think about i'm writing and i'll let panick rush over me in the morning as i run to my computer and read through too tired eyes at what i decided to share with the blog world when i wasn't in the best, shall i say, state of mind. yes. i said it. i'm going a little bit crazeballs over here.

do i sound nuts? yeah, maybe. i'm cool with it though. 

let me tell you what's going on...

we are moving. just down the street. it's not far and the kids will remain at their current school (thank goodness for that) and it will be a beautiful home when we finally get the floors down and the rats, yes, rats out of the attic. palm rats. does that sound better than rats? 

no, not to me either, but my husband tried to sell it to me that way. didn't work.

they live in palm trees. who knew. so now, i am not only afraid to walk into the new house; i now fear walking beneath a palm tree (a tree i used to admire for it sunny simplicity) for fear that a palm rat will fall on top of me or my kids. the image plays over and over in my mind. i'm sure that this occurrence is rare as i have never heard of such an incidence actually happening. 

i'm sad. 
bummed. 
blue. 
a tad heartsick.

i can't shake the feelings i am having but at the same time i'm kind of sick of hearing myself. it's like, move on woman! get it together. what's the big deal?

it is a big deal. for some it may not be, but for me, it is all i think about.

i think the move will be for the best, but i can't see it yet. rather, i'm not allowing myself to see it. i'm like a kicking and screaming three year old child whose lollipop you've just taken away because you didn't want me to ruin my dinner.

logically, i know we will be happy there. i know i will make a home out of the little yellow house on the left. i will rock out cool paint colors and add sweet touches from this home into the new one so my kids will feel more comfortable until they settle in... but i need to cry for a bit first and i think that's okay and deserved and important.

this is the home we just brought our little tagalong baby home to. it's where peyton and beckham have grown from babies to big kids, a kinder and 2nd grader. nearly grown. so many memories. so much growing. we have deep roots here. 

ivy's nursery has barely been used and now we are leaving. 

the cold hard truth of it all is, we won't be here for christmas. that kills me. kiiiilss me.


and it's not just the new house that needs a full reno job that's got me climbing the walls and almost defiantly overwhelmed, bringing a baby home is amazing and nothing but good, but it's work adding a new human to a family of other young people. young people who need as much, if not more love, than before the new addition.  

simply: i don't want to work as hard as i will need to to get us into that house in two months. i feel like i was already working hard taking care of and nurturing three kids. cleaning house, preparing meals, homework, my work, cooking ... you all know what we do...it's a freaking lot. a lot. and it's great. a privilege. 

and i'm living a dream. a wonderful blessed dream of three healthy kids, food on the table and a roof over our heads. 

a million people could call me, among other things, selfish and ungrateful for my attitude but i assure you, this has nothing to do with gratitude. because gratitude, i have in spades. and i thank god each and everyday for what i have been given, because i have so much. 

no, this is not about gratitude. this is about change...and how i suck at it.

i will win no awards for attacking change in an elegant and poised manner.
if there was such an award, i'm pretty sure i'd face plant. hard. and it would hurt. even so, i would learn from sucking at it. it's a learning experience. it's life. this is the beauty of good funk. of this, i am perfectly sure.

and i may let my sadness out and have a solid cry when the kids go to school. i think i like a good cry. it's like my mourning of choice. that and eating chocolate and i don't intend that to be funny. it just is what it is.   

my friend calls it flailing. like when a newborn baby starts throwing her arms around and slaps herself in the face. that baby cries because something is hurting her and since she doesn't know that she is hurting herself, she keeps hitting herself in the face. her mama needs to swaddle that baby and i, i need to give myself a nice big kick in the ass. 

oh, and maybe i'm a bit pissed that i am still wearing my maternity jeans.

i !@#$% hate these things. what was once a symbol of my need for an expanded waistline to comfortably accommodate my growing baby, is now the bane of my existence. 

my weight has always been a struggle for me. i'm up. i'm down. up. down. up. up. up.

you know those people who eat when they are sad or eat when they are happy or eat when the sky turns orangey-red...that's me. i have always have a reason to snag a piece of chocolate. 

so, i knew it was getting out of control when i grabbed some edy's chocolate, nothing fancy, ice-cream, grabbed and spoon and walked to my room. 

jeff, trying to encourage me (because i made him promise to me that he would) called out, "just say no!"

i barely turned around as i hastily snapped back, "i'm sad. i'm having some chocolate ice cream. let me be." 

poor guy. sorry jeff. 

it's a freaking roller coaster ride i'm willing to throw myself from once and forever. i am choosing to be healthy for myself and for my kids. besides that, i want to buy some cute things without worrying about how it will look. there is SO much freedom in that. 

my friend, wylie introduced me to an app called my net diary . i was doing really well and putting in calorie values in for each meal. i'm not a great calorie counter, so i would loosely try to look up and input the correct amount of calories. i am not a attached to this counter, rather, i use it as a reference and to keep me reminded of what (and how much) i am eating. i often forget about the few m&m's that i shared with beckham or the yogurt i finished because peyton left it on the counter.

hoping that i can make some more progress so i can very quickly, have a Maternity Jeans BURNING ceremony! i will invite you all!

whew. i feel better. thanks for listening;) i need to make it point to keep this house tidier. i don't know why i feel like i am constantly in motion, cleaning, working, doing,... and i still can't keep the crap, the toys, the books off of the dang floor. 

i need a magic wand and five more hours of sleep a day. that's all.
xo

and, because i am so behind in blogging, here are a few photos!

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first bus ride. they were both ecstatic to ride the bus this year. i don't want them to do it, but who am i to stand in their way of growing up. 

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as i waited with them on the corner, i couldn't help but take in the scene. 

they are so BIG. the familiar tug at my heart presented itself again. i know the sensation well and i knew i needed to  keep my emotions in check and let this be about them and there big day.

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they looked so confident and proud waiting for the bus. all morning they had been worried they would miss the bus. 

beckham, in particular, would call out from anywhere in the house.

"mama, we're going to miss the bus." 

"no, sweetheart. we still have an hour before the bus!"

this went on about every 5 minutes. 

kids from the surrounding houses in our neighborhood started making their way to the bus stop. moms and dads of kinders came with cameras and proud as well as nervous and brave smiles.

soon, we heard the bus riding alumni screaming, the bus is coming. the bus is coming!

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as the bus rounded the corner and onto our street, my little guy, ran up to me and didn't say a word as he grabbed my hand and smiled at me.

he was scared. 

finally, he said "mommy, i'm nervous to go on the bus." his little brown eyes boring holes into mine. i quickly said that it was okay and that i would drive him. 

inside i was hoping he would chicken out and want a ride with me, but as soon as the bus parked in front of us, he let go of my hand and ran to grab his sister's hand and they both waved goodbye.

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it was over. they were gone. 

i walked into the house feeling that feeling one feels when emotion is as it's highest and then it comes crashing down. i'm never sure if i should use that energy to clean or let myself collapse onto the couch and watch HGTV. 

instead i saw this, 
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i'm here, mama. it's just you and me for 8 hours. 

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so, we played and waited for big brother and sister to come home. 

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wanted to post more pics but photobucket is freaking frozen. more later. between the hard times, i see so much happy. the black eyes above is from running makeup, but i posted it because i still like the picture. all smeary and smudgy. 

grateful.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Hurricane Eats: Couple of Cozy Food Recipes

i've been promising a few recipes for about 6 months and since i haven't posted any, that makes me a big, fat liar, but now that the kiddies, well, at least 2/3 of them are spending many daylight hours in the care of their teachers, i can happily share what we ate during Nonicane Issac. 

what is it about dark skies and wind that makes ya want to hunker down and feed your family?


i am sharing two recipes in this post, because ivy is rocking in her swing taking a snooze, but if i were a betting woman, girlfriend will be up within the next thirty minutes. i'll be lucky to get these written in that time. however, if you have a question about anything here, you can email me or leave a comment and i will try to answer it there. 

this made me laugh... 

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so, one of my favorite things to do is to look in my fridge and pantry and piece together a meal. actually, it is one of my favorite ways to 'plan' my meals. 

mind you, i have staples on hand and i will share those in depth in another food related post.

I call this Cape Cod Pasta, i'm not sure why other than 
Somebody that i uuuussssed to knooooww made a pasta similar to this one and called it Cape Cod Pasta. no worries, no fish was used in the making of this pasta dish.

it's DIVINE. it's easy. just do it. you can't screw it up unless you make mushy noodles. 
mushy noodles are gross. don't do it. 

Cape Cod Pasta

you can substitute ingredients as you like, but i used

1/2 package center cut bacon, chopped
14 ounces of veggie pasta
half yellow onion, chopped
2 cloves of garlic, chopped
8 ounces heavy cream
bay leaf (if you have it)
1/2 cup low sodium chicken broth
a bunch of chopped basil, at least two tablespoons for cooking and some for garnish

*you could add peas, corn, brocc...anything you like.
*you can sub pancetta for the bacon

Put some salted water on the stove.

While you are waiting for the water to boil...
throw your bacon in a non-stick pan over med-high heat and crisp it up. don't overcook.

take a paper towel and some tongs and sop up some of the bacon grease and throw away. you will need about two tablespoons of fat/grease in the bottom of the pan. throw in your onions, salt and pepper and cook until they are getting a soft, about 10 minutes. Then, add your garlic and let cook for about two minutes.

add noodles to your boiling water.  

add the cream and two tablespoons basil. let the cream reduce by half. taste it. do you like what you taste? if not, add something else that may flavor your sauce. no rules here. add broth to lighten it up again. let simmer until it thicken a bit. 

at this point your, sauce is done. 

you can easily drain your noodles and pour the sauce over them, add some grated parm and some basil and you have yourself a fine meal. 

but, i happened to find a half eaten chicken in my fridge. i didn't want to waste it and i didn't want to make chicken soup...boring! so, i threw it in the oven at 350 for 10 minutes (a trick i use making it easier to get the meat off of it)

i added the chicken to my sauce and let simmer for another minute and i was done. 


i am going to apologize now for the quality of these photos. i was cooking in the dark.

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enjoy this. it's easy and fast and inexpensive. remember not to stress out over making any recipe. enjoy the process. if a glass of wine helps, so be it;)

Issac's White Bean Soup 

when i want my family to feel warm and safe (from hurricanes;), i make soup. i'm not a soup master, like my mom, but i have to say this was some good soup with a hit of heat. 

I used:

2 cans of white beans, drained and rinsed (any kind will work- i used cannelini)
1 quart/4 cups low-sodium chicken broth
1 cup chopped yellow onion
tablespoon butter
evoo
two sage leaves
head of garlic for roasting
2 celery stalks, chopped
1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper
parmesan cheese RIND
a cup or two, raw kale leaves 
1/2 package of bacon, crisped up. yes, i'm on a bacon kick this week.

okay, add the butter and two tablespoons of evoo. heat up in your fave pot or my fave kitchen item evah.

add onion and celery, salt and pepper and let soften up a bit.
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in the meantime, put your oven on to 375 degrees. take a whole head of garlic and slice the top off, about an 1/8th of an inch. i'm guessing. i should have taken a photo. we are going to roast the garlic and we want to be able to squeeze the garlic out when the roasting renders in soft enough to do so. 

add some evoo, about a tablespoon and wrap in foil. not to tight that it won't allow for the hot air to circulate. i'm making up my own rules, but it works for me. 

roast for 45 minutes. when done, let cool and then squeeze garlic cloves out and mash with a fork. don't be tempted to smear this golden, sweetened goodness onto a loaf of crusty french bread unless you thought ahead and roasted two heads of garlic. set aside.

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add chicken broth to pot, two cans of beans, bay leaf, crushed red pepper. bring to boil. then, low heat to medium and add roasted garlic and cheese rind (i just cut mine off a block of cheese i had). if you don't have one, add a 1/4 cup freshly grated cheese. 

cover lightly and let simmer for an hour at low heat. 

taste your soup.  what does it need, if anything? i always taste my food. it's a good practice to get into. 

ladle two cups of soup, mostly beans into a blender (be safe when working with hot liquids) and blend until smooth. this will thicken your soup. 
add back to pot.

throw in your kale and cover again for about 15 minutes or longer. no rules here either. 
you just want to let your flavors meld together. 

you can sub the kale for any number of fresh ingreds: spinach, escarole.
you can add other herbs: rosemary is a fave. 

now is the time to break out that crusty bread and enjoy! i added bits of crispy bacon to the top because my kids are more likely to eat anything if bacon is involved!

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enjoy!

remember to enjoy the cooking process. i go into the kitchen with the mindset that if i make something and it doesn't work out, it's okay. it's only food. cooking is like anything else, the more you cook, the more comfortable and better you will become. 

no rules. or make up your own rules. 

if you don't try it, you will never know what you can create in that kitchen of yours. you don't need any fancy cookware or utensils. yes, there are some items out there that make like a bit easier. a dutch oven (you can find them at costco and marshalls), a good set of knives, and a couple of cutting boards. 

*congrats to: Lisa. a commenter from the last post. you've won a nest egg necklace!!!

***if i named you a winner for one of the three necklaces, i will contact you this week so you can get your necklace ordered!

oh, Tagalong wanted to say hi! 
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xo

happy long weekend! oh, if you make one of these, let me know how it turns out or leave a link of a pic!
xo

Friday, August 24, 2012

Kindergarten, 2nd Grade, and a sweet baby girl! {giveaway}

"i was the perfect parent before i was a parent." 

i was.

i read this somewhere recently and it totally resonated with me.  

before i was an actual parent with an actual child of my own, i could solve any tantrum or crisis perfect-ly. i could rest easily at any gathering involving babies, kids, teens and think that i had it all figured out. 
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i would KNOW what to do in given situations. if i saw a parent scolding or parenting in a way that i felt could have been done in a more efficient or loving manner...i would totally (to myself) play out how i would have done it. 
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and it would of been better. not from experience, of course. i was just ignorant. or innocent if you will, in the ways of the parenting world.

i feel differently now, of course. i bow to any good parent just trying his or her best. we are in this together. half the time, i haven't a clue so i just go back to love. just love them and they will be just fine. 

holla. 

so, my baby boy started kindergarten this week. tears. sigh. where has the time gone?

it feels like i just sent my baby girl to kindergarten. please see meltdown here.

like the beginning of any school year, it all started with the perfect backpack and carefully chosen outfit, and an extra special packed lunch. it's like trying to pack that peanut butter and jelly next to a ziploc bag full of confidence, bravery, and love from home. enough love to make them feel secure and happy. 
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the night before the first day is a bit weird. it's exciting, scary, and sad all at the same time. 

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yes, i know i look exhausted in these. it's because i am. 

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and i can never say enough...
"i'll be there to pick you up right after school. i can't wait!" 

it's the only thing i can control after i drop my babies off at the school doors. i'll be here for you. don't worry. 

there was some anxiety. a little heartbreak. i miss him terribly but he loves it! he loves his teacher, his friends, and his new life a real 'big boy!'

when i said goodbye to him that first morning. he kissed me and walked away and just when i thought he was too excited to give me more face time, he turned around and turned into my little baby again. he jumped into my arms and said in a small and sweet voice, "i love you, mama. i'll miss you." he cupped my face and smiled longer than usual and he turned back and blew me a kiss. "mama, did you get it?"

"i got it, buddy. it's right here in my pocket. did you get mine?" 

"in my pocket!" he patted his backside and i struggled with the tears and a few fell as he walked away.

then, i cried all morning. i called my mom and she laughed at me and told me to get a grip and then just like that...my normal changed. two kids in school. 

and our girl. well, she's a second grader. we are so proud of her. i just wish for her an amazing year with new friends and a fun teacher. i know this will be a big growing year for her and we know she will be great. we adore your sweet heart, peyton. 

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i wasn't able to get the three hundred photos i wanted. having three kids is quite a bit more challenging, but we are getting in our groove, i think!

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we are lucky to be in a school with so many friends that love our kids.

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*my computer keeps freezing up, so i have to stop here and take it in but not before i post the winnerS of the nest necklaces that you can find here.

melody's nest egg necklaces are beautiful and such a convo piece. when she sent me mine, i wore it for months while i was pregnant. even in the delivery room. it was a way to have peyton and becks with me even when they couldn't be.
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yes, i'm huge and i would do anything to be that huge again;)
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because i took so long to choose a winner, i am giving away TWO necklaces today instead of one as well as another Nest Egg Giveaway which i will choose on next post. Please leave a comment to enter. 


for now, the winners were (generated by random.org)

Eva Marie

and 

Vicki

Congrats!!  ladies, please send me your email addresses!

happy weekend and happy school year. 

look who's 24 weeks!
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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Getting to know our Ivy, I'm sorry, and a Giveaway!

okay, i haven't blogged in a while. also, i haven't showered or brushed my teeth much either. life's been busy with the new arrival of our new little one, ivy. 


i've missed sharing our life here and i feel badly for not posting more often especially to those who have checked back for updates and for this i have feel badly and i want to say, i'm sorry.  this is a place where i share our life in words and in photos and i am behind and i don't like that feeling but i promised myself i wouldn't beat myself up and perpetuate the emotion i find myself swimming in these days: overwhelmed. 


i am in the same boat as any new mom must find themselves at times...
my eyes have stung with exhaustion;  my emotions behave like a pack of wild coyotes; my laundry is never done and is always at least five loads deep; i feel guilty toward my other babies and the amount of time i can't spend with them right now; nothing fits and my body isn't going back to 'normal' as quickly as i think it should be and my appetite is still on pregnancy time; and i look like death on a saltine cracker most of the time and none of this compares to the overwhelming feeling of gratitude i have for getting the chance to do this all over again. i love every minute of this even when i think i don't.  


i am overwhelmed with nothing but love for my new family of five. 


i am overwhelmed with joy and gratitude for the healthy mini-human i am blessed to call my own. 


i am happy and lucky and spending most of my time getting to know my little girl. when i'm not doing that, i'm witnessing my two older kids figure out their new roles as big brother and sister to a baby they both adore and can't get enough of. 


ivy, our little surprise baby. our tagalong: she is perfect. she is everything good in this world. 


she has brought us closer and taught me to learn to relax a bit more and relish each moment in the present. 


the first few months of a babies life is sacred ground and i didn't want to miss a moment and so i haven't.  


i've spent hours inhaling her sweetness and tracing her little bow shaped lips with my finger. i've stared deep into her eyes and analyzed every part and square inch of her perfect little body. 


like a good detective, i have scanned photos and family members faces for glimpses into her physical makeup. 


daddy's eyes, my nose, beckham's sweet baby face, and peyton's mouth. my mom's arms, my grandmas fingers, jeff's mom's skin color...the analysis never ends.


we are completely in love with this little lady and i am sincerely thinking that i may be the luckiest girl in the world. 


i will let the photos speak as i am behind and i want to get them up here...these are from her first few weeks at home when the emotions were raw, tears of gratitude ran freely and mama's heart was moved to capacity. 


we brought our surprise home after naming her only minutes before they forced us out of the hospital and into big sister's arms...
who was ready and waiting to greet us home:
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we all just kinda stared at her.


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beckham wanted a brother and made that known to anyone who would listen, but his disappointment was soon forgotten...
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peyton though, surprised us all. no jealousy. just happiness and one rule:
the rule states that peyton gets to hold the baby over all visitors and friends if she asks because she is the big sister. 


the first days of a babies life are magical. 
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i was tired but the little body that weighted my arms a bit kept me excited and invigorated. her cries called for me and i was ready to breathe her in all over again.
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and i never wanted to be away from her. ever. not even for one second.
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the first week was barely over and we visited dr. foley for ivy's first appt. 
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dr. foley said she was perfect, but mama needed to go home and go right to bed! i love her for calling my house ten minutes later to see if i followed orders! i did. 
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auntie hi-o rushed to florida to meet ivy and lavish peyton and beckham with extra love. she helped me so much and i hope she knows how amazing i think she is. 
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she cooked and played fireman with beckham too.
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then, ivy's godmother and my best friend took the most beautiful photos of our little one and i will forever cherish them. 
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thank you, auntie kelle. i love you. 
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first bath
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ivy's 'oh' face.
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auntie jenn.
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she's been the sun and the moon these days and watching peyton and beckham with her is the cherry on top. 


*okay, i have about 1000 more photos to post, but i will stop here tonight and post more in a couple of days as i am trying to catch up!


**for those of you asking for recipes, i will begin posting as soon as i catch up with photos, hopefully within the month!


***on this post and next, there will be a giveaway!
TWO lucky readers will receive a nest necklace as pictured below:
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i have worn mine since melody sent me mine. it even went into the delivery room with me. it was a great way to have peyton and beckham with me when they couldn't be.


 mine has three eggs inside the nest, one for each little in my life! i LOVE it and i receive so many compliments on it. i have started giving these away as gifts and even gave my one. hers has six eggs though...holla. 


please leave a comment and i will pull a winner from them in a couple of days. AND if you don't win that one, i will be giving another one away on my next post this week.


the winner will receive one necklace with as many eggs as you need. 


if you would like to see more of melody's items, please visit her etsy store here. she has some really cool stuff but her nest ring and necklaces are my fave.