Thursday, August 26, 2010

kindergarten.

well, i'm not sure when it really happened, although i guess i really do...my baby girl grew into a beautiful little girl. one who sets out her clothes with me before bed, carries her own backpack, goes to kindergarten, walks without me in the hallways of her new school, makes little friends (even if she did get into an argument with her first ever kindergarten friend yesterday. the convo went something like this:

me: peyton, what was your favorite part of the day at school today?

peyton: LUNCH! (this has been her answer each and everyday thus far!)

me: oh, good peyton! did you sit with sydney again today?

peyton: yeah, i did. we got mad at each other though. we got in a fight, but we are still friends.

me: what?! what happened that you got mad at each other today?

peyton: MOMMY! i said we are still friends though!

annoyed at my questioning because apparently along with all the other changes we went through this last week...she also turned into a teenager so I heard, "back-off lady. it's my own kindergarten business. i'm a big kid now and i need my privacy!"

me: just tell me what it was about and i will stop asking questions. promise.

peyton: purple grapes. she took mine and then she wouldn't share them with me. they were mine.

me: ohhh, peyton mae. i didn't pack you purple grapes today. today i packed you cucumbers.

peyton: ohhhhh, mommy. i wanted PURPLE GRAPES not yucky cucumbers!

***
okay, i fully admit to a minor emotional breakdown last weekend, but i really pulled it together for the big day. yes, i teared a few times leading up to thee moment. the moment i handed her over to someone else. the person that would push her into even more independence than i would be comfortable wanting for her right now...but i knew i needed to let go. with tears of pride streaming down my face, i turned my van into the school parking lot.

i looked in my rearview mirror to see if they were excited...i saw my little ones strapped into their britax car seats and in that moment it became painfully clear that these two little ones sat in these exact seats a couple of years ago while wearing dirty diapers and begging for more cherrios on our way to a play date. it felt a little strange dropping them off somewhere that i wouldn't be and i had to wonder about the woman i was not long ago.

i had two babies i was always juggling with the cleaning of a cluttered up house, while trying to get the groceries, make dinner, and keep them both happy, clean and fed. at the time, that mommy probably wanted a break; sleep; a shower; a moment to herself.

in this moment in the parking lot...i just wanted a few more weeks of them glued to my side with no breaks of school in between.


***
but before we go there, peyton wanted some mama time. just us. we just talked while sitting in the big comfy chairs in the salon. i was so proud of her as she was genuinely excited to meet her new friends at school and maybe even sign up for soccer!
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket
***
jeff captured these the night before school while i braided her hair and talked about her teacher and the new friends she would make the next day.
Photobucket
Photobucket

Photobucket

we set out her outfit...
Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

we tucked her in...
Photobucket

and then i set off to make lunches with little notes i thought they would unknowingly find comforting. ha. go figure, i learned later that she never even saw the sparkly stickered note.

Photobucket

and what happened next is something out of home alone...i slept through my alarm and slept more than an hour longer than i was supposed to. shit.

i ran around like a frazzled chicken all the while trying to remain calm. i just kept saying to myself... seriously, heidi? did you have to stay up half the night bedazzling a piece of paper? really? ...the first day of school!!!

but we made it...
Photobucket
thank you, sito for the outfit!
Photobucket

and our girl walked in with confidence and i think i have never seen her look more beautiful.

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket
i clutched her like a little girl clutching her most precious baby doll. i remember feeling that the moment i let her walk through that door...i would lose a little bit of my baby girl and in it's place i would find a more independent, grown-up version of a big girl that used to be my baby.

jeff said, "heidi, she has to go in now."

and thats when peyton became nervous and decided she didn't want to go inside, but one little peek of her teacher's head out the door, "come on sweetheart! i have chocolate chip cookies for you. come on, mommy, daddy, and bother can come too!"
Photobucket

Photobucket

she quickly made a friend, found her seat, and cautiously looked around at her new digs.
Photobucket

and then it was her turn to wrap her little hands around my arms. she wouldn't let me move an inch and i could hear her quiet requests over and over, "don't go, mommy."

sweetheart, you can do this. you are such a big girl.

that part...SUCKED. i'm not gonna lie to you.

but, we talked it over and it didn't work, so...
Photobucket
we had a few tears, but jeff made me leave. he assured me that she would be fine and i knew he was right. she was perfectly fine and safe and going to rock out her kinder year.

with a surge of sadness i watch her wave goodbye. with her thick tears and quivering mouth, i have to remind myself that we have so much more to do together and that yes, she is coming home at the end of the day. for that, i feel lucky. lucky for all the time we get to share together as a family.

i did sneak a peek in the sliver of glass on the heavy school door, and she caught me like she had supersonic mama radar, and with outstretched hands and a sad face from her, she was my little baby again and i realized that regardless of how i work this up in my over emotional mind, she does still need me and she always will.

i have to say, it went well and i am excited for all that she will do this year. and...she does seem a bit older and more mature this week and i find that i kinda like this new side to her after all.

***
peyton wasn't the only one beginning something exciting. beckham started his first year of pre-school on monday.

Photobucket
surprisingly, it was a smooth transition. he has been begging to go to school with his very own playground to play on. my baby boy. one of the most gentle and kind little people i have ever known. he is an amazing little boy and i wish everyone could know the little guy i know.

Photobucket

we had a meet the teacher night last week and beckham's shy little face was so endearing that i almost couldn't stop hugging on him while we were there. we walked away from us, but kept his distance from the others in the class.
Photobucket
we were surrounded by colorful illustrations, personally inscribed red paper apples, and other little people his size. he was timid at first but big sister helped a brother out and had him playing with the other kids in no time...

Photobucket
Photobucket

Photobucket

and he finally met his teacher!
Photobucket

so when monday rolled around...he was cool as a cucumber sporting the shirt he just HAD to wear...
Photobucket

Photobucket

and then he bid us farewell after he showed me all the toy airplanes.

Photobucket

and that was that.
jeff and i walked out to the parking lot and i kind of couldn't stop the tears again.

dude, i am so hoping i am not that mom when i drop my kids off at college. i can see me now...holding onto beckham's legs and screaming, "NOOOOOO," while he tries desperately to lose the crazy person...lol.
"now what do i do??? i've got no one to look after for 3 hours."

i felt like i was working on only two of my four limbs as i climbed into my truck. i'm pretty sure jeff placed an emergency text to my sister, heather, because 3. 1 seconds later she was on the phone and i was sobbing that i had nothing to do. she was laughing at me which was, well appropriate! she told me to go to bed and sleep it off.

10 seconds after that, kelle called from the airport to ask how it went and then we were cut off. so i hung up the phone and aimlessly drove around the parking lot only wanting to go home and pull myself under the covers until noon. hey, one day of feeling sorry for myself should be allowed, but then...

my phone rang and i was saved by another mama that just dropped off her own kindergartner and pre-schooler and found herself without 'purpose' for the next few hours.

we shed a few tears together, talked about first ultrasounds scans, pregnancy news, and so many baby firsts that we shared together through the years. our kids are cousins and the exact same ages give or take a few weeks.

i can't imagine i needed anything more than time with jenn in that morning. we saved each other from a potentially indulgent dark afternoon of wandering around the city. kindred spirit to kindred spirit...we just knew what the other was feeling.

full circle, baby! i love you. xoxo

Photobucket

we hit starbucks and dillards and we knew the day would end well when we found red, felt ballet flats for $10. we grabbed them and ran and laughed our way through the rest of our free afternoon before we returned to pick up the boys.

loving life is learning to love change. i am learning that as we pass each new milestone. a lot of growing up happens when change occurs and as difficult as it can be, i always feel stronger for it.

i couldn't be more proud of my babies. p & b growing up so fast just makes me want to slow down and enjoy more of them even when i want to pull my hair out after they have been fighting all day.

next up:
a healthy recipe for stuffed peppers.
Photobucket

and another giveaway on saturday!

the winner of the salt box and french salt is jennifer L!!!
jennifer, please email me your address at heidi976@earthlink.net as soon as possible and i will ship your super cool goodies to you!

Photobucket

xoxoxo-thank you for the love this past week. so appreciated.


38 comments:

Kiki said...

Ahh Peyton looked absolutely gorgeous on her first day!
and Beckham is a true little boy - love the shirt!

Well done on getting through that first hard day!!!
And you are a great mommy for writing those sweet notes for them!

Patti said...

OOOHH I still remember my first baby's first day of kindergarten:( He's 22 now and I practically grabbed his leg screaming "NOOOO" when he got married:) Probably why we have 10 kids- I never want to be an empty nester!

Seriously though- your photos are gorgeous, and some day your kids are going to treasure looking back on them, and your journaling here too. So sweet for them!

Can't wait to see the stuffed pepper recipe!

iColossus / Monster said...

Wow, what a big week for Mama! Your kids are so off to the best start, you know, with you at their backs, girl.

Payton does look more grown up in the pics and how darling is her outfit?!

Very, very exciting and I'm sure there will be plenty of good convos around the dinner table.

And Mama looked beautiful too! You don't look like you had been crying at all.

Love you!!!!

XOXOXOX

iColossus / Monster said...

Oh, forgive spelling Peyton's name wrong....should have read it before I hit submit!

laura said...

Wow first day I remember going to Peyton's Baby shower when you where so excited to meet her.. now she is off and running.i love her first day of school outfit, and batman shirts always are so cool!

I so remember that feeling of alone time what DO I DO with myself. walk on the beach, lunch with the girls and some shopping. then once you get use to it, you can come home after dropping them off and clean those base boards you so want to clean.

xoxo Laura

Marli said...

Heidi,
As i sit with my first cup of coffee, preparing to take my girl to her "locker day/orientation" at middle school, I am brought back to the time that you are in now. You captured the feelings so well. Your kids are gorgeous... there is nothing like those "firsts" of the school years. You will start to enjoy your time to yourself, while still missing them. My girl is like Peyton, big brown eyes, brown hair but she is 11 years old now. The butterflies don't go away... I still have them for my girl who will be in sixth grade in a week. Enjoy the weekend with your kiddies!
Marli

Missy said...

Ugh, my babies are still babies but I dread the first day of school. Thanks for sharing your experience!

Sarah said...

You are going to love and embrace EVERY phase of their journey with grace and beauty and I love reading how you are feeling this with full force. You are so present for their life, and that doesn't change if they are away from you for the day (and that is what I tell myself as I drop mine off at day care while I go teach other people's children). Cheers....Sarah

Kelle said...

HEIDI! Beautiful pics and my heart was throbbing thinking of all the emotion in those moments. You captured it so well...love, love, love. xoxo

Jewllori by Lori said...

Peyton is a beauty! A tender soul, just like her momma! She's gonna do great, I loved how she helped Bekham get adjusted to his new class, that's sweet :)

I'm writing a checklist of what I need to do once my kids hit school.
1). Make sure you have lots of kleenex on hand.
2). Call another momma in the same situation, and plan a coffee/lunch date to share the emotion!
3). Don't bedazzle love notes the night before schools starts, it WILL make you late in the AM!!! LOL! Too cute :)

xo,
Lori

kellywhite@rogers.com said...

Heidi...I adore this post..I adore your pictures!

First of all, you look FABULOUS! Secondly, Peyton's outfit is do die for! She is a beautiful little girl who is going to make you so proud. I cried reading about her first day! What a little cutie she is.

And Beckham is just too cute in his Batman shirt...I love it.

I love love loved reading about the day!!!

Did I mention that you look fabulous?!?!

Kelly

Taylor K said...

AWww, you will totally be that mom at college. My mom was, and I'm sure I will be as well. There were lots of tears shed when she dropped me off at Northern Arizona University, but each tear reminded us of how much love we have for each other. There's actually a really pathetic photo that my mom took from the car as she was pulling away from the dorm. You can see me in the high rise dorm window staring at my mom and brother leaving me. I look like a lost puppy. It's precious. LOVE P's outfit for the first day!

Domestic Diva said...

Oh, it's SO hard ... but SO necessary ... change, that is!! What a wonderfully articulated post, Heidi! I've been thinking a lot about you and your little ones this week.

It's almost the weekend ... YAY!!

PS - Even though Myles said yesterday that he didn't want it to be the weekend b/c he wanted to go to school!!

Becky said...

I love P's first day of school outfit, almost as much as I love the pink ensemble she sported to B's preschool meet and greet. Oh, be still my heart, SO adorable. You have inspired me to get my kids dressed more often. There is really no reason we should all be running around looking like orphans. Good grief!

I love the bedazzled notes.

What a fun post!! Good job getting through that first week, mama!

Rebecca MacIntosh said...

That was beautiful Heidi! Such lovely pictures to cherish! And now I can't wait for my Princess to go off to JK so I can have relaxing coffees during "free time". :)
xo

Jessica said...

Hi Heidi-I think we met once briefly last year at Kelle's Fall Mini Sessions. My little Bridget was (still is) a wild woman not too interested in posing for pictures! I'm part of the Poinciana crew too (well, used to be!) so I know we have many mutual friends. It sometimes seems so strange reading and commenting on someone's blog that you don't really know, but I had to today when I read how you slept in on the big day! Made me laugh because we slept in on the day we were scheduled to be induced with Bridget almost 3 years ago. Who does that?!?!

It seems as though your day went off without a hitch though! Your kids are gorgeous and I'm sure we'll cross paths again sooner or later!

J Scheppl said...

Loved this post- thank you for your honesty!! My oldest is only 18 months old, but her first day of school I can already imagine will be one with me being a blubbering mess....

Becky at lifeoutoffocus said...

Heidi. Just omg. I love this. Such raw, beautiful emotion. I felt like I was there with you taking your baby to school. I remember that first day all too well. You did good though and it looks like Peyton did too. :)

Catholic Mommy to Five..fun from home said...

I feel your pain..I never wanted my #1 to go to kindergarten so I kept her home to homeschool..just kindergarten, so I thought. She is in 4th grade now and we are still going strong. I can only imagine your heart. But the fun thing is she gets YOU to come home to and you are all that matters in her world still. Great pictures. You did a great job documenting the whole emotinal process...nice work mama!

Sharon said...

Awwwww! This one tugged at my heart for sure. Peyton looked beautiful and adorable on her first day of school. Her outfit was so crisp-fall-day with falling leaves, sharpened pencils, and tights with mary-janes (although not that I would know the crisp fall day on the first day of school since I do live in Arizona, but I can imagine...) =)

Teresa said...

Seriously that first day of school outfit should be in all the magazines. It is gorgeous! Such a monunmental week for you, hugs!

Anonymous said...

Hello Heidi! I sent my first off to K last year. The worst is having a bus pick them up. There is nothing like going from years of Britax seats in your own car to seeing your child climb up those steps all by herself and having the doors close behind her. Then they have to sit down and try and put a seatbelt on while it zooms away down the road...with me wanting to yell - MY BABY! THAT BIG YELLOW THING HAS MY BABY!

SDM said...

Hi!!! Beautiful post - as always you captured the emotion in everyone & I felt like I was in the room with you (which I would have been kicked out of because the tears were flowing as I was reading!)
You rocked day one though... As did both your beauties!
Our first day is Monday - I now have a first & third grader who fly into school and with a quick wave & smooch good-bye run to find their friends... It's good though because I know they're happy (the mantra I chant as I drive away LOL!)
thinking of you!!
xoxox
-s

SDM said...

Hi!!! Beautiful post - as always you captured the emotion in everyone & I felt like I was in the room with you (which I would have been kicked out of because the tears were flowing as I was reading!)
You rocked day one though... As did both your beauties!
Our first day is Monday - I now have a first & third grader who fly into school and with a quick wave & smooch good-bye run to find their friends... It's good though because I know they're happy (the mantra I chant as I drive away LOL!)
thinking of you!!
xoxox
-s

SDM said...

Hi!!! Beautiful post - as always you captured the emotion in everyone & I felt like I was in the room with you (which I would have been kicked out of because the tears were flowing as I was reading!)
You rocked day one though... As did both your beauties!
Our first day is Monday - I now have a first & third grader who fly into school and with a quick wave & smooch good-bye run to find their friends... It's good though because I know they're happy (the mantra I chant as I drive away LOL!)
thinking of you!!
xoxox
-s

SDM said...

Sorry-posted from my phone & somehow hit multiple times!!

Anonymous said...

OMG!!!! YOU ARE KILLING ME WITH THIS SONG!!!

Anonymous said...

I CANT EVEN READ THE POST BECAUSE MY EYES KEEP FILLING WITH TEARS!!!BRINGS ME BACK..MY GIRL IS 31!! I CAN STILL FEEL THE EMOTION OF THAT
FIRT DAY LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY...THANK GOD SHE DIDN'T GO AWAY TO COLLEGE!!

katie said...

Ok, so I'm not going to lie...when I read the previous post about how you had a little melt-down thinking of Peyton's first day, I thought it was kinda dramatic... UNTIL I read this post and my eyes started to water and then I understood...I get it now and I have no idea what I'll be like next year at this time when my first baby girl starts jr. kindergarten.

Many Titles said...

I had to fight the urge to go hold my 2 year old daughter while reading this. You had me in tears. I am sure when that day comes for me, I will feel just like you did... what now? Glad an amazing pair of shoes and a great friends came by your side. Great post!

Anonymous said...

thank you for your honest post... i have a 4 year old and an almost two year old..
hearing you walk through this process, all moms will have to walk. just makes me want to eat up what i have even more ,right now:) my son is in preschool. its one day a week for two hours. i couldnt do any more right now!

but thank you for giving me ''more time'' with my kids:)
tiff

Anna Ruth said...

I love the song you have playing. As for Peyton's outfit, too cute. She looks so grown up and ready to take on the world. I'm so glad the kids are loving school.

Amie said...

Well, shit, Heidi. You got me crying on that one. I wish I could have been there with you on the first day of school to drown my sorrows as well. I don't know how I am going to go it alone. Nine days and counting...

Kate said...

Heidi
your post made me cry BIG BIG tears. Peyton and Becks are too precious. What a beautiful job, well done mama. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this perfect for us old veterans who have the big ones off to college. You rock Heidi girl enjoy every moment.

love you
Kate

Rhonda said...

Oh Mama- what a big emotional day for you!!! Your photos couldn't be any more beautiful!! You and Peyton having a moment getting ready for the big day... So special!
I know we are going to go thru the exact same experience next week. Reading your post was my trial run. I know I am going to be all big and strong and so is he...until it comes the time to say goodbye and let him head off to that big classroom on his own. Oh our babies are growing up way too fast!!!
This week my step daughter left to go back with her Mom, my boy has been his older sisters side kick for the past 8 weeks of summer not really needing Momma too much. Well last night, he saw his baby sister laying on my chest for a bed time snuggle, then he wanted a turn for himself. We fell asleep with one on each side of me....it felt so good. He was still my baby even for a minute and I know that even though he will stray into the big bright world, he will always need his Momma. These are the moments that I want to hold onto forever. This is what life is all about and when I am 80 years old looking back on my life...this is where I will be looking back to. The first time I met them and how much love they have brought into my life!!!
Thanks for another wonderful post Heidi!

Hugs,
Rhonda

Stacey said...

Oh, I cried while reading this one. My youngest starts Gr. 1 tomorrow and I've been crying a little bit everyday this week. I'll be a wreck in the morning, but she is SO excited. Good for you for letting go so well - they'll do great! The pictures are fabulous!

Kristine said...

Hi Heidi. Hope you don't mind me popping in. Found my way over here from Kelle's blog. :)I've been reading for a while but this is my first post. This one really touched me. My little guy (Ben: 4 yrs old) is starting Preschool next week, and I have been having a lot of the same feelings. When did they get so big? *sniff*
You have a gorgeous family! Thank you for sharing pieces of your day. You have a beautiful way with words and your blog posts are a joy to read.
Now...I'm off to start my lunchbox note so I can get it "just right" and not stay up all night! ;)
xo
Kris

GraceesMommy said...

oh i even missed peyton's first day of school...how did that happen!!!! She really rocked out that outfit..divine!!! I have said it before and I am sure you already know but your kids are beautiful! ♥