me: peyton, what was your favorite part of the day at school today?
peyton: LUNCH! (this has been her answer each and everyday thus far!)
me: oh, good peyton! did you sit with sydney again today?
peyton: yeah, i did. we got mad at each other though. we got in a fight, but we are still friends.
me: what?! what happened that you got mad at each other today?
peyton: MOMMY! i said we are still friends though!
annoyed at my questioning because apparently along with all the other changes we went through this last week...she also turned into a teenager so I heard, "back-off lady. it's my own kindergarten business. i'm a big kid now and i need my privacy!"
me: just tell me what it was about and i will stop asking questions. promise.
peyton: purple grapes. she took mine and then she wouldn't share them with me. they were mine.
me: ohhh, peyton mae. i didn't pack you purple grapes today. today i packed you cucumbers.
peyton: ohhhhh, mommy. i wanted PURPLE GRAPES not yucky cucumbers!
okay, i fully admit to a minor emotional breakdown last weekend, but i really pulled it together for the big day. yes, i teared a few times leading up to thee moment. the moment i handed her over to someone else. the person that would push her into even more independence than i would be comfortable wanting for her right now...but i knew i needed to let go. with tears of pride streaming down my face, i turned my van into the school parking lot.
i looked in my rearview mirror to see if they were excited...i saw my little ones strapped into their britax car seats and in that moment it became painfully clear that these two little ones sat in these exact seats a couple of years ago while wearing dirty diapers and begging for more cherrios on our way to a play date. it felt a little strange dropping them off somewhere that i wouldn't be and i had to wonder about the woman i was not long ago.
i had two babies i was always juggling with the cleaning of a cluttered up house, while trying to get the groceries, make dinner, and keep them both happy, clean and fed. at the time, that mommy probably wanted a break; sleep; a shower; a moment to herself.
in this moment in the parking lot...i just wanted a few more weeks of them glued to my side with no breaks of school in between.
but before we go there, peyton wanted some mama time. just us. we just talked while sitting in the big comfy chairs in the salon. i was so proud of her as she was genuinely excited to meet her new friends at school and maybe even sign up for soccer!
jeff captured these the night before school while i braided her hair and talked about her teacher and the new friends she would make the next day.
we set out her outfit...
we tucked her in...
and then i set off to make lunches with little notes i thought they would unknowingly find comforting. ha. go figure, i learned later that she never even saw the sparkly stickered note.
and what happened next is something out of home alone...i slept through my alarm and slept more than an hour longer than i was supposed to. shit.
i ran around like a frazzled chicken all the while trying to remain calm. i just kept saying to myself... seriously, heidi? did you have to stay up half the night bedazzling a piece of paper? really? ...the first day of school!!!
but we made it...
thank you, sito for the outfit!
and our girl walked in with confidence and i think i have never seen her look more beautiful.
i clutched her like a little girl clutching her most precious baby doll. i remember feeling that the moment i let her walk through that door...i would lose a little bit of my baby girl and in it's place i would find a more independent, grown-up version of a big girl that used to be my baby.
jeff said, "heidi, she has to go in now."
and thats when peyton became nervous and decided she didn't want to go inside, but one little peek of her teacher's head out the door, "come on sweetheart! i have chocolate chip cookies for you. come on, mommy, daddy, and bother can come too!"
she quickly made a friend, found her seat, and cautiously looked around at her new digs.
and then it was her turn to wrap her little hands around my arms. she wouldn't let me move an inch and i could hear her quiet requests over and over, "don't go, mommy."
sweetheart, you can do this. you are such a big girl.
that part...SUCKED. i'm not gonna lie to you.
but, we talked it over and it didn't work, so...
we had a few tears, but jeff made me leave. he assured me that she would be fine and i knew he was right. she was perfectly fine and safe and going to rock out her kinder year.
with a surge of sadness i watch her wave goodbye. with her thick tears and quivering mouth, i have to remind myself that we have so much more to do together and that yes, she is coming home at the end of the day. for that, i feel lucky. lucky for all the time we get to share together as a family.
i did sneak a peek in the sliver of glass on the heavy school door, and she caught me like she had supersonic mama radar, and with outstretched hands and a sad face from her, she was my little baby again and i realized that regardless of how i work this up in my over emotional mind, she does still need me and she always will.
i have to say, it went well and i am excited for all that she will do this year. and...she does seem a bit older and more mature this week and i find that i kinda like this new side to her after all.
peyton wasn't the only one beginning something exciting. beckham started his first year of pre-school on monday.
surprisingly, it was a smooth transition. he has been begging to go to school with his very own playground to play on. my baby boy. one of the most gentle and kind little people i have ever known. he is an amazing little boy and i wish everyone could know the little guy i know.
we had a meet the teacher night last week and beckham's shy little face was so endearing that i almost couldn't stop hugging on him while we were there. we walked away from us, but kept his distance from the others in the class.
we were surrounded by colorful illustrations, personally inscribed red paper apples, and other little people his size. he was timid at first but big sister helped a brother out and had him playing with the other kids in no time...
and he finally met his teacher!
so when monday rolled around...he was cool as a cucumber sporting the shirt he just HAD to wear...
and then he bid us farewell after he showed me all the toy airplanes.
and that was that.
jeff and i walked out to the parking lot and i kind of couldn't stop the tears again.
dude, i am so hoping i am not that mom when i drop my kids off at college. i can see me now...holding onto beckham's legs and screaming, "NOOOOOO," while he tries desperately to lose the crazy person...lol.
"now what do i do??? i've got no one to look after for 3 hours."
i felt like i was working on only two of my four limbs as i climbed into my truck. i'm pretty sure jeff placed an emergency text to my sister, heather, because 3. 1 seconds later she was on the phone and i was sobbing that i had nothing to do. she was laughing at me which was, well appropriate! she told me to go to bed and sleep it off.
10 seconds after that, kelle called from the airport to ask how it went and then we were cut off. so i hung up the phone and aimlessly drove around the parking lot only wanting to go home and pull myself under the covers until noon. hey, one day of feeling sorry for myself should be allowed, but then...
my phone rang and i was saved by another mama that just dropped off her own kindergartner and pre-schooler and found herself without 'purpose' for the next few hours.
we shed a few tears together, talked about first ultrasounds scans, pregnancy news, and so many baby firsts that we shared together through the years. our kids are cousins and the exact same ages give or take a few weeks.
i can't imagine i needed anything more than time with jenn in that morning. we saved each other from a potentially indulgent dark afternoon of wandering around the city. kindred spirit to kindred spirit...we just knew what the other was feeling.
full circle, baby! i love you. xoxo
we hit starbucks and dillards and we knew the day would end well when we found red, felt ballet flats for $10. we grabbed them and ran and laughed our way through the rest of our free afternoon before we returned to pick up the boys.
loving life is learning to love change. i am learning that as we pass each new milestone. a lot of growing up happens when change occurs and as difficult as it can be, i always feel stronger for it.
i couldn't be more proud of my babies. p & b growing up so fast just makes me want to slow down and enjoy more of them even when i want to pull my hair out after they have been fighting all day.
a healthy recipe for stuffed peppers.
and another giveaway on saturday!
the winner of the salt box and french salt is jennifer L!!!
jennifer, please email me your address at email@example.com as soon as possible and i will ship your super cool goodies to you!
xoxoxo-thank you for the love this past week. so appreciated.