Tuesday, April 30, 2013

A disclaimer and a Recipe. {Curried White Bean Soup & Grilled Garlic and Sage Toast}

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I know I was supposed to post some recipes weeks ago. hell, a year ago. i have been behind. really really behind. i am posting a few tonight and I am sorry for not getting these posted before now. I realize that you are not able to print or save these recipes and that is not the most convenient way to reference these recipes.  i took a little time today researching easier ways for you to print or gain access to these recipes and I couldn't find anything for blogger. If any of you know of an easier and more efficient way, please let me know.

I will continue working on this for you. It is looking like I may need to switch over to a Wordpress blog because there are, supposedly,  many easy ways to customize it...we all know this will take me some time, so for now, i will post here!

I would really like to make a disclaimer here:

this blog has been a way for me to document my life with my babies. when i began writing here a few years ago, i thought it would serve as a digital diary of sorts. through the years, i have posted hundreds of photos and several recipes. i love it here. although, i haven't posted enough this past year, i am happy to have these memories here for my kids to read one day.  

when i decided to post recipes, it was because i wanted my children to know my favorite recipes and foods to cook. you see...i love my mom's cooking, i think most people do. 

whenever my mom would ask me what i wanted as a gift, my answer has almost always been, "i want you to write down your fave recipes and copy them for me in a book!"

i haven't received a book of recipes from my mom yet, but i can say that i have called her enough times before, during, and after asking question after question, so in essence, i have what i have always wanted. 

while making friends via social media, i feel blessed to have and be a part of a strong support system of other creative, giving, and strong minded women. i learn from all of you every single day and in some small way, i am sure you pick something up from me. i have been asked several times and by many different people to post more recipes and meal ideas. i have been apprehensive to do this for many reasons. one being the amount of time this may take. i have little ones and they take up most of my time and i really do love it that way.

another reason i have been dragging my heels~~ i am not a professional cook. i am simply a girl that loves food and loves to cook. i love it. i cook off the cuff. i don't always have a plan or even an idea, but i have mastered the use-what-you-have-on-hand philosophy and this is when new recipes are born. 

i am happy to share meal ideas and recipes here and on instagram but i have to make sure that you know, I HAVE NO REAL IDEA WHAT THE HECK I AM TALKING ABOUT. i just do it if it feels right. and i do have one very strong belief about cooking...i'm downright passionate about this

I believe ANYONE CAN COOK. and i think everyone should (if they really want to).
i hear over and over, "i can't cook. how do you do it? and with three kids." 

yes, you can. i'm not trying to put on a dinner at the White House for the heads of state and the president. i'm cooking for the ones i love...in my favorite place in the whole world...my kitchen. i'm inviting you in and i hope you will let go of all self-doubt, grab a bowl and whip something up. 

another tidbit: i burn stuff all the time. it's a running joke here, but i don't let that stop me from confidently walking into the kitchen to try try again. 

so, there may be a better way, a better recipe, a better technique...but i'm happy to share what i'm doing in my kitchen when i can. 

Curried White Bean Soup with Grilled Garlic & Sage Toast

I made this soup one night when I hadn't gone shopping and this is about all i had on hand. i love cooking this way...opening the fridge and using whatever is in there. i didn't have much, but this was done in less than an hour and it was amazing with the toasted bread. I hope you try this one. basically, you throw all of the ingreds into a pot and simmer. feel free to add or subtract as you go. this is a NO RULES kitchen. 


Ingredients

2 cans white beans, rinsed off
1 cup chopped onion
4 garlic cloves
1/8 cup olive oil
2 tablespoons butter
fresh thyme, 2 branches
2 teaspoons yellow curry powder
couple shakes of cayenne pepper
1 box chicken stock
1/2 cup shredded sharp white cheddar cheese plus more to sprinkle on top
1 bay leaf
salt & pepper to taste

Directions

Medium heat. In soup pot, I added half the oil and 1 tablespoon unsalted butter. Add your onions, whole Thyme branches, and curry powder. Stir often and cook until onions soft, 3-4 mins. Then add, chopped garlic and cook for 1 minute. DO NOT overcook garlic or it will become bitter. 

Add chicken stock, homemade is best best, but a low-sodium will do. Add bay leaf, salt, black pepper, cayenne pepper, beans, cheddar, and rest of olive oil.

Cover and turn it down and let it simmer for 40 minutes and up to an hour over low heat. I think the key to a rich, homemade flavor is simmer, simmer, simmer. Let the flavors meld. 

garnish with a handful of white cheddar cheese.
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Garlic Sage Toast

Ingredients

French bread (or your favorite bread)
Butter
1 clove of garlic
3-5 Sage leaves chopped

Directions

Melt some butter in a pan, add sage.  Lay bread down in butter and brown on both sides. When toasted, rub/scrape raw garlic on both sides of bread. 

Serve with that soup and you are in for a treat!
next blog post: some much needed catch up on life and pics. xo

Tom Kha Soup Adventures

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So, I was driving down Pine Ridge Road a few weeks ago, or a few months ago, i have no sense of time these days, when i remembered that i promised myself a trip to the Asian Market.  I knew i was very close, but i couldn't find it. this went on for...months. i guess i was too lazy to really LOOK for it. 

I've heard of friends going to the Asian Market for years and each time it came up in conversation, I was all, "oh, yeah. i've been meaning to go there!"

so, like i was readying for a field trip into an unknown land, i dropped the kids at the bus stop, buckled my baby in her seat and grabbed my Tom Kha soup recipe i had pieced together off various sites on the web the day prior. i was excited to finally make my way into this place. this mysterious, elusive place.

i finally found it, but if you are not careful, you will miss it's red letters and asian lanterns hanging in front beckoning you in. 

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this market is an authentic gem, nestled away in a naples plaza. i felt like i was in another country and i quickly learned that i may as well could have been. my senses were in overload with the colors and smells that welcomed Ivy and I. i couldn't find a single thing i needed. luckily, a young woman was there stocking her basket with only green veggies to make a stir-fry. i instantly wondered if adding red and yellow peppers to a stir-fry dish was an "americanized" version of the recipe. she helped me find all the items on my list. of course, i wanted to beg her to take me with her to her house to teach me everything she knew on thai cuisine, but i refrained. 

the recipe i am sharing tonight, is one that i pieced together from about five different recipes i found on the web. i have to say that i really liked this version. it was easy and the flavor satisfying. there is probably a better recipe out there, as i am not an expert, but if you do try it, please let me know you did!

there are a lot of ingredients, but don't be put off by that. this is a super simple soup to make and you can find most items at the grocery store if you don't have an asian market nearby. not having the perfect ingredient list on hand, forces you to be creative. 

Tom Kha Soup

Ingredients 

1 1/4 can Coconut Milk
3 cups chicken broth
5 green onions, chop both white and half green stem into small pcs.
1/4 cup thai basil leaves, chopped
3 garlic cloves, minced
{2 stalk lemongrass, washed well chopped into 3-inch pieces}
{1 chili pepper, cut in half long way. scrape seeds out unless you like heat}
{chuck fresh ginger, cut into three pieces}
{chunk fresh galangal, cut into three pieces} 
{2 kaffir lime leaves that pinch with my fingers to release flavor}
juice of 1 lime
1 cup button mushrooms
3 chicken breast, cut into small cubes
2 tablespoons (or more to taste) Ground fresh chili paste (the brand i used Sambal Oelek)
1/4 cup cilantro leaves, chopped plus more for garnish
Spiced chili oil, optional garnish
3 tablespoon veggie oil

*{these items are cut into larger pieces as they are used to flavor the soup and are then removed before eating. please keep this in mind when chopping these ingreds.}
*in case you're looking, i didn't use fish sauce
*galangal is also called kha and is optional. if you don't have it, no biggie. move on.

Directions

Using my dutch oven (large stock pot would work), i added veggie oil and cooked over medium heat to soften: lemongrass, galangal, ginger, garlic, and chili pepper. about 2 minutes. please do not burn garlic.

Add chicken broth, kaffir lime leaves, mushrooms and bring to a boil and add your chopped chicken, turn heat down just a bit and let simmer. stir often.

now you are ready to add the coconut milk, chili paste, and 1/4 cup chopped cilantro leaves, and lime juice.

cover and simmer. i love to let things simmer...it gets everything tasting like it belongs together. it could be done in 20  minutes, but i would let simmer over med-low heat for 40 minutes.

remove {these items} and serve in a beautiful bowl and garnish with cilantro leaves and drizzle with a little spiced chili oil. looks great, tastes beautiful. 

i hope i didn't forget anything and i hope you enjoy it. feel free to google a hundred different recipes and coming up with your own variation and technique. 

NO RULES here!

for more meal ideas and recipes: i post more on Instagram. My username is: heidiwish

Egg Cups: Onions, Peppers, Speck, Cheddar, Asparagus

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My sister, Heather, is the polar opposite of me when it comes to food...in a good way. when she decides that she is eating too much salt, she makes a public declaration to the family that she has given it up...and she sticks with it. i'm so jealous.

when she feels like her favorite jeans are a tad snug, she calls to tell me which foods she is cutting out of her diet. most of these are my favorite things of course: salt, sugar, chocolate, pasta...

she says it...she does it. well, i'm not like that. i want to be a bit more like that, but it's a struggle for me. i have been obsessing over how big my ass is for years, so instead of subtracting things from my diet, i try to cook healthier options for a quick grab and go out of the fridge. when she called to tell me of her new Egg Cup obsession i was excited to hop back on the Egg Cup bandwagon. i used to make these quite often when i was living alone in an apartment back in my college days. i remember those days fondly. i was flat broke, always trying to be skinny, and always running out of the house to either school or work. i miss those days.

Egg Cups: Onions, Peppers, Speck, and Cheddar

Ingredients

9 eggs
1 small onion, chopped
1 red pepper (or any color), chopped
1/2 cup chopped: prosciutto, ham, OR bacon
1/2 cup freshly grated cheddar
salt
pepper
olive oil (can use a little butter or cooking spray)
cooking spray

Directions

Preheat oven 375 degrees

In a pan, heat a tablespoon of oil, add onions, peppers, and prosciutto and saute until soft, about 3 minutes. Meanwhile, in a bowl, crack each egg into the bowl and mix with a fork until well mixed. add cheddar to eggs and mix.  add cooked veggies and ham to egg mixure, salt and pepper and stir. 

Spray the inside of each cup of a cupcake tin. place cupcake tin on a baking sheet. Using a 1/3 cup measure, fill each cup of the cupcake tin. 

Bake these egg cups for 20 minutes. take out, let cool.

i put the rest in a ziploc bag and pull out as an easy, inexpensive, healthier alternative to fast food. FYI: my kids love these. 

add whatever you want to your Egg Cup. My sister's fave cup is made with roasted salmon, fresh dill, broccoli, and parm. cheese. 

no rules. add whatever you have in your fridge. 


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I Was A Bad Mama Today.

as i sit here at my overly large; therefore overly cluttered kitchen island, i know i should be doing something else. something more efficient. something that will make my week run smoother.  perhaps getting something done that i won't need to rush through at the eleventh hour on saturday; the day of my baby's birthday and blessing celebration. 

perhaps, i should be stringing butterflies on fishing line or preparing my artichoke dip, blowing up balloons. instead i sit here. my eyes are tired and stinging from the tears that flowed there a couple of hours ago. i sit propelled here by sadness and maybe a bit of desperation too. 

it's 4:50 pm. i look like death on a saltine cracker. i really do. lord knows that i promised myself pre-kid that i would never look like those moms that looked tired and only did their hair when they had special plans to go out but you know what, it happens that sometime the only thing i can manage to do with myself is shower and brush my teeth. with a wish and prayer, i head out the door hoping i run into nobody i know.

let me prove it to you with a picture because us photographers like to post pictures and i just happen to be in front of my computer which had been opened to Mac's Photobooth by one of the monkeys. i'll do a selfie when i figure out how to do it. one minute...


this is how i feel. please don't feel sorry for me. this is just motherhood on a bad day and i know you've been there. i would post more, but i don't want to scare anyone. 

i feel the urgency to inform you that i did indeed have makeup on earlier, but 
like magic...it's disappeared. 

friends, today was a really hard day and i'm posting here because i haven't shared enough lately and sometimes i need to. 

one of my littles whom i adore so, so much. whom i love with all of my heart...well, this little one challenges me. every single day. every. single. day. 

every.
single. 
day.
over and over again. 

mamas, i'm so tired.

one of my littles  had some emotional outbursts today that left me feeling helpless and in tears and standing in the middle of the room looking around for someone to come and save me. i stood there a while and waited. nope. i was on my own and desperately needing some help. 

SuperNanny never appeared and i felt hopeless at getting things calmed down, so 
i called my hubby, he was at a meeting and couldn't help. you know it's bad when i make the call to daddy for backup. he did suggest i take his parents up on their offer of taking the kids for the day. lord knows i LOVE my in-laws. like, love. BUT nothing would make me feel more like a failure than having to hand off my crazed kids to somebody else when i should be able to do this...with flair. 

it didn't help that when the shit was hitting the fan, i made it worse by adding fuel to the fire. oh, it was horrible. 

today, ivy wanted a string of plush birds that peyton had hanging in her room. ivy was playing with them when i entered the room. big sister no longer wanted to share the birds for no particular reason and that pissed ivy off to no end. after pleading that she please let ivy play with the birds all i heard was a loud, "NO!" 

sharing is hard for this one, so i grabbed the birds and informed her that she would get them back after her room was clean. i even said we could rearrange her room and set up an art desk near her window. incentive as i had been pleading with her to clean her floor since after breakfast yesterday.

she started yelling at me about the birds.  ivy jumped because she was scared and i'm sorry folks, this is where it gets ugly. 

i grabbed the string of birds pulled them into two parts and gave them back to her. 

"here, have your birds." and i walked out of the room. the truest sense of the phrase walk of shame played over in my head.

i don't know why i did it. i think the stress of the midmorning defiance was more than i could take and that was it. 

not a stellar parenting moment. i was so ashamed. i am so ashamed. what happened to me? i lost my mind. i couldn't believe i did that. 

"YOU MURDERED MY BIRDS! MOMMY, YOU MURDERED MY BIRDS. THEY WERE SO SPECIAL TO ME."

i had one kid screaming and throwing clean laundry around the house to get back at me, one kid wearing a sad face because it was too noisy and was sad that i was so angry at the other one and vice versa, and the baby was following me around the house crying because she wanted those damn birds on a string. 

today started as a great day. we walked around the neighborhood and looked for singing birds in trees. we discovered a new path in our new hood. i promised homemade chocolate chip cookies after lunch. today was good. today was a spring break 2013 memory in the making.

how did it evolve into this? i needed my super mommy flag to fly today. i needed to see it sailing behind me...high and proud. i needed to know that what i was doing was the right way, or better yet, the perfect teachable moment that she would remember forever. i live in fairytale land like that. 

today, my little one defied me over and over again and then with one sentence, a few words that probably meant pennies to the one speaking them, my confidence was shattered after i begged for an answer. "why are you behaving this way? what is going on inside of you that is making you act so mean towards mommy?" as i heard the words coming out of my mouth, i knew i worded the question wrong. 

shit. i'm messing her up. my words are hurting her. 

well, the damage was done. i waited for an answer:

with tears in both of our eyes, the response was clear.
"it's you. i don't like the part of you that is in me!"

that small sentence couldn't have hurt me more than if a lion had suddenly appeared in my daughters pink, messy room and tore both of my arms off with its teeth. 

my own heartbreak heaved in my chest and i couldn't look away from my little. i tried to read the brown eyes in front of me and sure enough what i feared i would see, i did. she meant it. in her way and in that moment...she meant it. 

mentally, i quickly tallied up how many i love you's i deliberately say to each of my kids each day. i quickly assessed my true feelings for each of them. i want more for them than for myself. i would walk across coals for them. give my life for them. 

i really do love them more than anything else in the world, right?

why am i questioning myself what i already know the answers to? do all moms doubt themselves like this? 

after i assured myself that i was doing the best i could do, i held my shaky ground and asked my child to clean up her floor and i said that she wasn't leaving the room until her floor was clean. when her floor was clean, we would go back to World Market and get another sting of birds to hang in her room. i reasoned that now she had crafting birds to use in her art projects. i said i was very, very sorry that i had made that mistake, but that she needed to pull herself together and get her room in order and speak in a respectful way. 

my phone had been ringing off and on for over an hour and when i got up to leave the room, i decided i would take the call so i could pretend my mom strength hadn't been broken. 

however, when i heard kell's cheerful voice on the other end, i immediately broke down into a hundred tears. i ran to my room, shut the door and let the tears flow. 

"my day was so good earlier and now it's turning to shit!" 

she heard peyton yelling some things in the background and she asked me what was going on. i needed advice so i told her an edited version of the story. she listened. and when i cried louder she did what any amazing friend would do, she said i was doing a good job and that sometimes kids can be difficult. it's okay. it was just a bad afternoon. 

i debated on telling her the whole truth. i was so ashamed that i had 'murdered' peyton's birds-on-a-string. but i needed to get it out. let it free. it was eating me up. 

i interrupted something she said because i needed to quickly say what i needed to say before i lost my nerve,

"kelle! i murdered peyton's birds-on-a-string! i did. she pissed me off and i guess i decided to break the sting in half and then all the beads dramatically fell to the floor as i handed them back to her and said, 'here, take your birds!'"

silence. lots of it. 

still silence.

finally, i heard sounds. not words, but sounds...
and then, in tandem and out of love and understanding for this thing called motherhood and perhaps for the obvious revelation of my bad mommy behavior, we started laughing. we began laughing so hard we couldn't speak for a full minute or two.

when my crying was replaced with fits of loud laughter, i knew what i had done wasn't so bad. i mean, i wouldn't do it again, but i knew my truth was out there and it felt good to share. 

when we were able to compose ourselves, we started sharing bad mama moments with each other. mostly, they were stories that we already knew about each other but it felt good say them again.

remember when, the kids were screaming and we couldn't figure out why and then we remembered that we skipped dinner; remember when i pushed becks off of the bed when he was 7 days old; remember... 

it was funny. it helped. it felt good. i think all mommies should do it more. 

"you...oh my, you...killed her string of birds?!"

"well, yes i did. i was a bad mommy today."

my girl just finished cleaning her room. it took about 48 hours to complete the task, but you know what...the pride on her face when she called me in brought happy tears to my eyes. and when she hugged me and said she loved me...well, i already knew that but i'm happy to hear it a million more times. 

my poor use of time hasn't been that at all. 

thanks for listening to me, xoxo



Tuesday, March 5, 2013

a year ago tonight...

tonight, i am scurrying around the house looking for my bag of ribbon, the box of glue...wrapping paper. balloons. i'm scrubbing the dried banana off the tray of ivy's highchair. i'm tired from running around after my wobbly new bambi walking baby. 

my baby that despises having her diaper changed but loves when you ask her where her eyes are. my floor is scattered with blocks, babies, and cheerios.

what i am doing tonight is so very different to what i was doing exactly a year ago on this very night. the night before this baby was born. 

what is it about knowing what you were doing at an exact moment that makes you kinda want to remember each moment...it's a weird feeling that i can not explain but one that i keep visiting. 

i've been absent from blog world...and i have missed it. okay...let me make a disclaimer...

i am having a hard time getting into the groove of writing here. i am struggling as i often do when i am so emotional about something. my brain has a hard time forming sentences and complete thoughts, so if you are reading my little ol' blog, i'll get there. just need a little practice. 

you see, sometimes i forget that people read what i share here at heididarwish.com. and although i write this blog as a way to document memories for our family, the friendships, support and love i have received here has been overwhelming, so for that...thank you, friends. i love the love. end disclaimer. 

a year ago tonight, i was scurrying around the house a little slower. i remember feeling exhausted and excited but extremely sad to say bye to the huge baby bump. 

i was searching for extra camera batteries, and bagging up little butter mint hospital room favors. i read the kids a book and kissed them goodnight twenty times and reminded them that after school the next day, they would have a baby brother or sister. i told them that they would always be my babies... we made more gender guesses before we sent them to their grandparents house for the night. 

 with a black sharpie and in my prettiest writing, i labeled champagne glasses with, "#3."

jeff kept telling me to go to sleep, "you need to be rested for tomorrow morning." 

rested to have a baby. i played the words over in my mind over and over again and thought, "i'm the luckiest person in the world right now!" 

i'm havin' a baby tomorrow. 

when the house was quiet and long after jeff went to bed, right about now...i ran a bath and talked to my belly. with only hours left, i wanted to soak in those last hours with the baby i could feel moving in my belly. i remember i pushed on a little bulge in my belly...guessing what body part it was and then loving that part so much it hurt. 

yes, tonight it very different and as much as i want to go back and relive those moments again...push my baby into the world and into my arms, i know i can not.

a year ago i was preparing to do the thing i love to do most in this world...deliver my baby. it's not just having a baby... it's the whole thing. it's the whole process. it's the registering, it's watching the epidural video...again, it's laying out little clothes, doctors visits, birth plan talks with the doc...it's the ceremony, the job of having a baby. i love it all.

and as i get further away from ivy's birth, it is so bittersweet, so tonight i shall bask in the warmth of nostalgia. it feel good here. 

i feel closer to those moments right now than i have in a year. 

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in between not having her and having...
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we have done a lot of living and loving and getting to know our ivy. 

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and i will play some catch up here in posting some photos of our past year, tonight i will leave it as it is. i will forever remember the night before her birth as a special time of just the two of us...getting ready to take on this big and beautiful world...together. 
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this year has flown by and as sad as i am to have this year be over, it was a good year. a really good year. it's gone to quickly...much to quickly but we all love our girl and getting to celebrate her first birthday tomorrow is just another little dream that is coming true. 


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our baby girl is growing up. happy birthday, ivy. we love you so, so much.
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(i wanted to add more photos but i am having uploading issues. pics too big. 
 i will post bday pics tomorrow.)

xo



Thursday, September 20, 2012

maternity jeans.

i will apologize in advance for the tone of this post. 

I don't know why i just wrote that sentence. 

why, as women, do we feel the need to apologize for our feelings? 
why can't we just feel and feel free to do so?

guilt. what is that about? it's almost a constant state of being for me since becoming a mother. well, i'm going to write free tonight and not think about i'm writing and i'll let panick rush over me in the morning as i run to my computer and read through too tired eyes at what i decided to share with the blog world when i wasn't in the best, shall i say, state of mind. yes. i said it. i'm going a little bit crazeballs over here.

do i sound nuts? yeah, maybe. i'm cool with it though. 

let me tell you what's going on...

we are moving. just down the street. it's not far and the kids will remain at their current school (thank goodness for that) and it will be a beautiful home when we finally get the floors down and the rats, yes, rats out of the attic. palm rats. does that sound better than rats? 

no, not to me either, but my husband tried to sell it to me that way. didn't work.

they live in palm trees. who knew. so now, i am not only afraid to walk into the new house; i now fear walking beneath a palm tree (a tree i used to admire for it sunny simplicity) for fear that a palm rat will fall on top of me or my kids. the image plays over and over in my mind. i'm sure that this occurrence is rare as i have never heard of such an incidence actually happening. 

i'm sad. 
bummed. 
blue. 
a tad heartsick.

i can't shake the feelings i am having but at the same time i'm kind of sick of hearing myself. it's like, move on woman! get it together. what's the big deal?

it is a big deal. for some it may not be, but for me, it is all i think about.

i think the move will be for the best, but i can't see it yet. rather, i'm not allowing myself to see it. i'm like a kicking and screaming three year old child whose lollipop you've just taken away because you didn't want me to ruin my dinner.

logically, i know we will be happy there. i know i will make a home out of the little yellow house on the left. i will rock out cool paint colors and add sweet touches from this home into the new one so my kids will feel more comfortable until they settle in... but i need to cry for a bit first and i think that's okay and deserved and important.

this is the home we just brought our little tagalong baby home to. it's where peyton and beckham have grown from babies to big kids, a kinder and 2nd grader. nearly grown. so many memories. so much growing. we have deep roots here. 

ivy's nursery has barely been used and now we are leaving. 

the cold hard truth of it all is, we won't be here for christmas. that kills me. kiiiilss me.


and it's not just the new house that needs a full reno job that's got me climbing the walls and almost defiantly overwhelmed, bringing a baby home is amazing and nothing but good, but it's work adding a new human to a family of other young people. young people who need as much, if not more love, than before the new addition.  

simply: i don't want to work as hard as i will need to to get us into that house in two months. i feel like i was already working hard taking care of and nurturing three kids. cleaning house, preparing meals, homework, my work, cooking ... you all know what we do...it's a freaking lot. a lot. and it's great. a privilege. 

and i'm living a dream. a wonderful blessed dream of three healthy kids, food on the table and a roof over our heads. 

a million people could call me, among other things, selfish and ungrateful for my attitude but i assure you, this has nothing to do with gratitude. because gratitude, i have in spades. and i thank god each and everyday for what i have been given, because i have so much. 

no, this is not about gratitude. this is about change...and how i suck at it.

i will win no awards for attacking change in an elegant and poised manner.
if there was such an award, i'm pretty sure i'd face plant. hard. and it would hurt. even so, i would learn from sucking at it. it's a learning experience. it's life. this is the beauty of good funk. of this, i am perfectly sure.

and i may let my sadness out and have a solid cry when the kids go to school. i think i like a good cry. it's like my mourning of choice. that and eating chocolate and i don't intend that to be funny. it just is what it is.   

my friend calls it flailing. like when a newborn baby starts throwing her arms around and slaps herself in the face. that baby cries because something is hurting her and since she doesn't know that she is hurting herself, she keeps hitting herself in the face. her mama needs to swaddle that baby and i, i need to give myself a nice big kick in the ass. 

oh, and maybe i'm a bit pissed that i am still wearing my maternity jeans.

i !@#$% hate these things. what was once a symbol of my need for an expanded waistline to comfortably accommodate my growing baby, is now the bane of my existence. 

my weight has always been a struggle for me. i'm up. i'm down. up. down. up. up. up.

you know those people who eat when they are sad or eat when they are happy or eat when the sky turns orangey-red...that's me. i have always have a reason to snag a piece of chocolate. 

so, i knew it was getting out of control when i grabbed some edy's chocolate, nothing fancy, ice-cream, grabbed and spoon and walked to my room. 

jeff, trying to encourage me (because i made him promise to me that he would) called out, "just say no!"

i barely turned around as i hastily snapped back, "i'm sad. i'm having some chocolate ice cream. let me be." 

poor guy. sorry jeff. 

it's a freaking roller coaster ride i'm willing to throw myself from once and forever. i am choosing to be healthy for myself and for my kids. besides that, i want to buy some cute things without worrying about how it will look. there is SO much freedom in that. 

my friend, wylie introduced me to an app called my net diary . i was doing really well and putting in calorie values in for each meal. i'm not a great calorie counter, so i would loosely try to look up and input the correct amount of calories. i am not a attached to this counter, rather, i use it as a reference and to keep me reminded of what (and how much) i am eating. i often forget about the few m&m's that i shared with beckham or the yogurt i finished because peyton left it on the counter.

hoping that i can make some more progress so i can very quickly, have a Maternity Jeans BURNING ceremony! i will invite you all!

whew. i feel better. thanks for listening;) i need to make it point to keep this house tidier. i don't know why i feel like i am constantly in motion, cleaning, working, doing,... and i still can't keep the crap, the toys, the books off of the dang floor. 

i need a magic wand and five more hours of sleep a day. that's all.
xo

and, because i am so behind in blogging, here are a few photos!

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first bus ride. they were both ecstatic to ride the bus this year. i don't want them to do it, but who am i to stand in their way of growing up. 

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as i waited with them on the corner, i couldn't help but take in the scene. 

they are so BIG. the familiar tug at my heart presented itself again. i know the sensation well and i knew i needed to  keep my emotions in check and let this be about them and there big day.

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they looked so confident and proud waiting for the bus. all morning they had been worried they would miss the bus. 

beckham, in particular, would call out from anywhere in the house.

"mama, we're going to miss the bus." 

"no, sweetheart. we still have an hour before the bus!"

this went on about every 5 minutes. 

kids from the surrounding houses in our neighborhood started making their way to the bus stop. moms and dads of kinders came with cameras and proud as well as nervous and brave smiles.

soon, we heard the bus riding alumni screaming, the bus is coming. the bus is coming!

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as the bus rounded the corner and onto our street, my little guy, ran up to me and didn't say a word as he grabbed my hand and smiled at me.

he was scared. 

finally, he said "mommy, i'm nervous to go on the bus." his little brown eyes boring holes into mine. i quickly said that it was okay and that i would drive him. 

inside i was hoping he would chicken out and want a ride with me, but as soon as the bus parked in front of us, he let go of my hand and ran to grab his sister's hand and they both waved goodbye.

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it was over. they were gone. 

i walked into the house feeling that feeling one feels when emotion is as it's highest and then it comes crashing down. i'm never sure if i should use that energy to clean or let myself collapse onto the couch and watch HGTV. 

instead i saw this, 
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i'm here, mama. it's just you and me for 8 hours. 

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so, we played and waited for big brother and sister to come home. 

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wanted to post more pics but photobucket is freaking frozen. more later. between the hard times, i see so much happy. the black eyes above is from running makeup, but i posted it because i still like the picture. all smeary and smudgy. 

grateful.