the mode known as: survival. {& a giveaway]

no, no...it's not really that bad and truth is i'm really sick of myself saying i'm not feeling well but if you walked into my home right now, you would find my ottoman covered with mini skyscrapers of folded laundry...that jeff folded. i can see dust under my television and the crayola crayons that have been tossed into my shaggy rug by a certain small one, are being crunched in half each time i walk through the room. two lunch boxes from today have been removed from their backpacks, been reopened and ransacked for the uneaten bits of orange slices and white cheddar cheese puffs.

normally, i would prepare a snack for the kids, nurturing their little bodies with a somewhat wholesome snack to welcome them home from school- but not the last few days. it's all for himself around here lately. i think i have found the key to making your child more independent- stop guessing their every want and need and let them do it on their own. it wasn't my plan, but my throbbing head housing yet another migraine and the inevitable nausea that follows has made it nearly impossible to do what i want to do and that is feel strong again and start enjoying this new season with my babies!

feeling a little under the weather, but that makes my babies cling even more. and i love it. i mean they are crushing me of course, but i love it;)

no pity though, don't feel sorry for me because i have only the BEST of reasons for feeling like death on a saltine cracker. my little bean is growing and in between the feelings of fragility and an almost desperate need to feel like myself again, i am content with the little one, which by the way is the size of an turnip right about now, growing quickly within me. five inches of perfect baby all nestled up warm and safe and i can only assume ready for fall and all of the joys this season will indeed bring; sugared donuts, turkey dinner, apple cider, crisp leaves and cold air...i'm ready for a trip to michigan but if you live in a warmer climate, here is my trick...

turn down the thermostat, light a hundred candles, make some hot mulled apple cider, and cover yourself with your favorite quilt or blanket. insta fall. enjoy!

***

so, i'm feeling good right now and with my list in hand that i can no longer refer to as my to do but rather my catch-up, a full page long, typed and single spaced i am doing quality control with clients, my kids, my husband, friends, and my home. my home is BEGGING for a little love and i am ready to oblige because the crap filling every corner of my house it's screaming HELP me.

however, what i want to tackle first is four lines down my list,

~unpack fall decs

miraculously though, this moves up three spaces taking the lead over ~laundry, ~clean house and fridge, ~find place to do yoga.

i'm not saying i don't find it important to tidy up, because i do. i mean doesn't everyone work better, think better, create more in a clean house. something about a clean house... a clear mind. i think oprah used to talk about that. i miss her. however, i've other things on my mind, so it's hard for me to focus on things that aren't as fun as preparing for halloween, baking these pumpkin cupcakes every other week like i did last year, anxiously awaiting some cool weather and now, getting ready for Tagalong! however, i will bump ~clean house and fridge just under ~unpack fall decs. it's a good compromise.

i am so anxious for all the excitement to begin. it feels like i'm planning for a vacation. you know the feeling. you wake up the morning you are about to depart on a weekend getaway and when the sleep leaves you, you are jolted by a charge of vacation energy. but this time it's a two-month holiday and there's family dinners and flickering lights, frosted sugar cookies, candy canes, a Fir of some sort (fraser, douglas, balsam-it doesn't matter bc they all smell delicious) and santa is sure stop by, and you get to watch your little ones bask in the magic of christmas and then bam...we tie it all together with some fireworks, a dropping ball of lights, and a kiss at midnight.

but before i go start celebrating the new year, this is what we have been enjoying lately...

a date with my girl. pedicures are a huge reward for her and i relish in looking over at her serious face while trying to elicit a smile. these moments with her remind me that time is so precious and going so quickly and that i don't always spend as much time as i'd like or i should, but moments like these mean something.

daddy made slime with the kids on a rainy day, but i'm gonna be honest. our slime sucked. period.

they both felt like the weird scientist for the afternoon so it was not a waste, but i think this recipe for slime is better!

we went to one of my favorite places on earth...

they sky was blue and so beautiful. IOC welcomed us back with hot air and fried grouper fingers with extra buffalo wing sauce. kelle came up with that and i've been hooked ever since!

i tried to stay out of the sun, but the kids ran around with a care except to save the fish the fisherman was catching to catch even bigger fish. peyton made it her personal mission to help each fish back to his home. i'm wondering now if the guy with the net behind her wanted to kick my ass for letting her free his fish.

we dug our feet in the sand and found shady spots to hide and then we hightailed it out of there because mama was having a heatstroke! but...it was still the perfect ioc day.

we watched daddy work in the yard during a thunderstorm...

and we think he did a great job mulching the yard and he didn't get hit by lightening (jeff, stay out of the bolts!)

we celebrated cousin griff's 5th birthday and we love our cousins and the time we get to spend with them and of course, jenn never disappoints with a killer party skills...

happy birthday, griff. we love you. xo

i've been indulging in some cravings...

i am watching my little guy grow up into someone really special. can i tell you? i love what i see in him. his heart and kindness blow my mind on a daily basis. his young age and his maturity at times surprise me and he makes me a better mother. i know it. for that i am so grateful. i love you little beckham. mama, loves you so much.

i'm learning that 'advanced maternal age' has been tough, but with my best friend by my side we believe we can ward off any ailment with a quick trip to whole foods to buy a foamy green drink that tastes like...dirt, healthy dirt, but dirt. it makes us feel better and we high five one another on the way home with promises of cleaner eating and early walks on the beach. *with a side of homemade pie of course.

i watched as my daughter, the crafty little thing devised a plan to make some extra cash by playing her piano and beckham- his new bongos (thank you, auntie hi-o, xoxo) out in the front of our house. jeff and i walked out when we couldn't find the kids for a minute, doing this....

peyton made a sign that said, one coin. i scolded her later. 'if your going to beg our neighbors for money you should at least say please, peyton!'

they played and played and we watched as at least three cars drove by and didn't stop. they hung their heads, beckham began to get the sad face. "why won't they stop to hear our music, mommy?"

it was kinda sad. i found myself willing one of our neighbors to stop as they were walking their dog and then i thought i was losing my mind.

however, jeff was grilling hot dogs in the back and saw neighbor girl walking her dog. i about broke my leg running inside to grab any amount of pennies and dimes i could find so jeff could give it to the girl and ask her to stop and listen to the music and throw a little something in peyton's bowl...

their faces said it all. they were so proud and beckham proudly exclaimed, "our first sale!"

i cried.

i also cried when my sweet and thoughtful best friend, kelle threw me a surprise party...

(i stole these from her blog bc obviously i didn't take them)

she got me and so did my friends. i walked into it and it was...lovely and beautiful. i don't think of myself as a birthday party gal. the attention, the gifts...gets me nervous. but, i gotta say...there is nothing like a room full of your friends that take the time to come together to celebrate you and only you that makes a gal feel special. kelle spun her magic and the place was so beautiful and the touches so personal and special. i can't say enough about that night.

thank you, kell and thank you my sweet friends. i love you all so much.

***

and i saved the best for last,

to jeff...

to my husband of 12 years. i love you and happy anniversary. you made our day very special. i'm grateful to have you in my life, in our kid's lives, and for giving me another little one to fall in love with and learn from. i can't wait to do this with you all over again! happy 12!

and on a more serious, possibly funny note, i'm sorry i forgot our anniversary and when i asked you why you bought me flowers and you said it's because it's our 12 year anniversary...i love that we both busted out in loud laughter and laughed at each other and quickly hugged the awkwardness away. i'll never forget that moment because i loved it. this must be what twelve years feels like and i like it! i love you.

and to peyton and beckham for snapping some quick photos before we ran off to a quiet and delicious dinner alone~ thanks, kids!

***

if the calendar says fall, i make chili, but don't be like me and turn it off so it can cool and then fall asleep and leave it on the stove all night and then have to throw the whole pot away, hence the no cooked chili photo!

Chili with black beans

i make all different ways, but this is a basic recipe and the one my husband likes the best. nothing fancy for him. you can cook this in a crock pot, but i use my big le creuset pot, which i LOVE by the way. it's an investment, but worth every penny.

you'll need these ingredients but add or omit anything to your liking. that's the fun part!

3 tablespoons olive oil

2 medium yellow onions, chopped small

4 garlic cloves, minced

1 yellow pepper, 1 red pepper, chopped small

1 pound ground sirloin

1 teaspoon chili powder

1 teaspoon ground cumin

1 teaspoon cayenne pepper, or less if the kids will find it to spicy!

optional: hot sauce to taste

bag of frozen shopeg corn

2 large (28 ounce) cans of plum toms in with juice

1 small can of cannellini beans, rinsed. or your fave.

1 small can of black beans, rinsed

kosher salt

pepper

heat the dutch oven over med heat. add the onions and peppers until softened a bit, about 10 minutes. ass the garlic and cook for another minute. add the beef and cook through while breaking up lumps. add all spices to the meat and cook for one minute. add your toms but first crush the toms with your hand or cut them into smaller pieces before adding to the dutch oven.

add the beans and the corn!

bring to a boil and then reduce the heat to a simmer, cover and cook for at least an hour. no less.

add salt and pepper and simmer uncovered another 15 minutes!

enjoy.

i add tostito chips, sour cream, cheddar cheese, jals, onions, hot sauce....but you do it your way!

freeze leftovers!

simple and hearty!

***

the giveaway is this: since i said that i was giving away the letter necklace that so many people have asked about, i have to take that giveaway back because i simply can not find where to order them. not the same ones. i'll keep looking, but in the meantime...

one commenter will win a $25 gift card to an Etsy (etsy.com) shop of their choice! but it's that time again! happy fall!

xoxoxo

35.

years and years ago, i remember asking my very cool and very pretty babysitter how old she was and when she answered that she was fourteen, i remember sitting there in the cardboard box house she had just constructed for us in a state of amazement. oh my gosh, she is DOUBLE my age! she is soooooo old!

being analytical, even at the early age of seven, i can remember sitting there and wondering how i would ever get so old and with a smug attitude, i decided that when i eventually did turn fourteen, i would be even cooler than my cool babysitter and that was that.

old. old?

it's all relative, right?

last week i turned 35. i pause when i say it because i'm not sure i'm speaking correctly of myself. of course there was a time that i thought 35 was ancient and life would surely be over, but i think we all learn that this is not true and we either lie to ourselves or really believe that we are younger than we are...'cause i'm gonna be honest, i don't feel old and in fact despite all of the jokes of being an old woman- i feel pretty good and i'm happy at the age that i find myself to be!

i will admit though, i called my mom and asked her how it felt that her daughters were 35 now. she just laughed and said, " i know, i can't believe it...you girls are getting up there!" thanks, mom;)

even though i have another blog post in the hopper that i'll post that in a couple of days, i thought i would post a little about what it feels like in this moment after just celebrating a birthday...a diary entry of sorts like i did when i turned 34! a little self absorbed...maybe but when it's your birthday, you can be! seriously. it's one day...take it!

things i've been pondering, because if a birthday does nothing else for me, it forces me to reflect to on where i've been, where i'm goin'...you know what i'm saying!

* you know when people in their thirties say that they no longer feel like they have anything to prove to anyone. they can be themselves. who cares what other people think about them. well, it's kinda true. i think there is a freedom that comes with age and experience. with living and loving and most of all...learning.

i'm learning that there is a balance between not giving a damn and really caring a lot. i guess part of it is this confidence that has grown within me gradually and most of it comes from being a mom. being responsible for these two, almost three little humans that just. mean. so. much.

it's figuring out that we kind of need to have beliefs and firm thoughts and ideas on certain things so we can then pass them on to our children so that they then have a foundation on which to stand.

don't touch the cake please!

trying so hard...

so close!

* what really matters is spending time with people that i love and care about and meeting new people and taking the time to hear their story because i've learned that there is a lot that can be learned from the people around us. i didn't always know this.

* i've learned that sometimes i cry over things that make me happy and others things that make me sad and it's okay. it's also okay to let the kids share in those emotions...sometimes. to cry or laugh with a friend who needs you to be there...there isn't a greater gift to that person who needs a shoulder and a validating sentiment. i know this because i've been on the receiving end.

* i've learned that my life is full, very full of blessings and good health and all of the things that i pray to God each night to keep, but that sometimes i want more. it's life. it's cool because all that really matters is a healthy and content family...and really this is all that i ever really want. well, that and time machine!

* i've learned that it really is the smallest things in life that matter most. these are the things that i enjoy and think about for long moments throughout the day...

the way beckham's eyelashes tickle my cheeks when he gives me a kiss; or peyton's new smile that surprises me each time she laughs and i catch a glimpse of her adult teeth that don't yet fit her sweet mouth yet, or the way she grasps my fingers while we lay in bed watching a movie together at night when it's just the two of us; or how beckham is all grown up when he walks into school in the morning, but when i come to pick him up in the afternoon, he forgets all about that big boy stuff and turns into my baby again by grinning ear to ear while saying mama, mama over and over again and jumping into my arms to give me a huge hug and kiss...every single day.

thank you, jeff for taking these pictures!! xo

thank you, peyton and becks for making my birthday so special! i love you so much and you are the best presents anyone could ask for. i'm a lucky girl and i know it!

i think what the guinea pig is trying to say, "help me!" peyton loves bunny so much. it really is funny.

there are so many of these things i could write about.

the pride i feel when one of the kids finishes dinner and then walks their plate over to the sink instead of leaving it on the table or when they get up on their own and brush their teeth, make their bed and get dressed on school days (it doesn't happen often, but when it does it's like christmas morning!)

* i've said before that my 'laugh' lines don't bother me much and that i rather like them. well, some mornings i do and some i don't and on those days a little extra slathering of some kind of serum promising younger looking skin in two weeks keeps me happy until the next month or so when i remember to care about it all over again!

* i've learned that sometimes i get really nervous over work, over staying true to myself but wanting to please others or the client...i think this is a good thing. i think it makes me try to always be better, do better, think more.

* i've learned that i have/need to let go of some control in regards to my kids and school. as much as i'd LOVE to choose teachers, classmates, friends and BE there to make sure they are happy and okay...i can't. it's tough at first, but it's okay. it's called life and we all get the PRIVILEGE of learning and growing up and it's a really good thing.

(even though i want to talk to the little girls who told peyton she couldn't play princesses with them the other day;) i can't and i'm not supposed to. let go, let go. my new chant!

happy birthday, mommy. surprise, i can tie now!

* this year more than any year, i have learned that life is a mystery and i'm so glad it is. i have this little one growing inside of me and i forgot how amazing, magical, surreal it is to be pregnant. i've been sick, really sick with migraines for the last month or more, but i never forget why i'm under the weather and while i am 'patiently' waiting to feel the first flutters of this little one, i grow more and more in love with him or her. i'm stuck at not wanting this pregnancy to end and wanting it to so i can get my hands on this little one. i want to smother it in kisses and introduce him or her to peyton and beckham. i can't wait.

look who's growing!

* happy birthday to my look alike, heather. i love you so much, xoxo

...i could go on but i'm rambling, so i will end this by saying thank you to my family, friends, clients, and readers for making me a better person. for inspiring me in so many ways and for teaching me to do better. you all make my world a better place and i love you for it. thank you also to my friends who made my 35th extra special!

now, i'm off to prepare for my OB appt tomorrow morning where i will get to hear my baby's heartbeat!!!!

xoxoxo

PS sneak peeks, info on the next giveaway and more will be posted in three days... migraines and life don't mix well i've learned but it's getting better.... yahooooooo!!!!!!