when you love someone...

bryan adam's says you'll shoot the moon-put out the sun, but i am little less showy than him.

when i love someone, I will do just about anything to keep them safe, happy, and feeling loved and in trying to do what mothers do each and everyday, i am feeling a tad inadequate these days.

i realize of course this is because our lives will be completely different, enhanced, but different come march and i'm afraid of tipping the balance of our lives too much in one direction. so i am prematurely nesting to keep my two older birds from feeling like they are going to be knocked out of their cozy nest soon. i want them to know that there is enough room for all of us and more than enough love and attention to go around.

i'm busy with life, but my mind is even busier still...

get busy. organize a room. check the kids school schedule. write a sweet note for the lunch boxes. healthy snacks for the lunch that i hope will be eaten. did beckham have a project that needs to be turned in? (he does actually) am i providing an organized environment and setting up my kids for scholastic success? did i turn the thermostat down/feed the bunny and guinea pig/brush my teeth/call back that client/respond to that email before i left the house? what's for dinner... and lunch and breakfast for that matter? we should paint peyton's room. i need to hang my picture wall. what does beckham want his birthday theme to be this year. i need a nap.

ever since i found out i was growing a baby, my mind has been racing with things to do before spring...and thank you, thank you for the sweet and heartfelt congrats and love you sent our way after i made the announcement. if you were trying to make a pregnant mama cry, you won!

part of me needed to hear those congratulatory messages. i was feeding off of them like it was food for my soul.

you see, i'm pretty freaked out about the idea of bringing a baby into the house again. excited and feeling blessed and crazily lucky, but a healthy dose of anxiety and worry are sitting right next to my sugar and spice.

i think this is what happens when you think something is over.

i thought i would never again experience morning sickness or the tingling sensation of skin stretching to it's limits from the growing mound of cells turned baby. the often mistaken for gas pain, turns out to be the first flutters of your baby's kick and nothing will stop you in your tracks as quickly as realizing...huh, oh my goodness. that was my baby. i felt it! I felt it! you will never forget where you were when you first felt life growing within your body because up until then, it just didn't feel real.

midnight feedings and diaper changes are truly a job when you are up to your elbows in bottle sanitizing, sore nipples, and a colic ridden baby with acid reflux...but you get through it and one day without even noticing- that baby is a toddler and is sleeping through the night sporting big kid undies and mama has been gifted the luxury of a restful slumber once again.

i can't tell you how many times i have wanted to magically transport myself back to sleepless nights and poopy diapers...because in between the stinging eyes of exhaustion and the unending jars of baby food and trips to costco for dipes and wipes~ carrying for my new baby has been without a doubt the most lovely part of my life. period.

and any mama, regardless of how that mama was made a mother...maybe you were laying down with a blue cloth in your face and someone put your baby's forehead near your lips so you could smell in your baby for the first time, or maybe you labored and pushed your baby out into the world, maybe you flew to another country and brought a baby home, or perhaps you gave a child a home that needed one and maybe still you may not even have a child yet, and it doesn't matter because when you hear, "i love you, mommy!" for the first time, all the exhaustion melts away and you are left with your own little miracle and miracles are always worth the trouble.

and the trouble so far has been some massive headaches and a little nausea. i'm tired and feeling a tad...older these days, but i wouldn't have it any other way because i am crossing over into that stage of dreamy wonder about the baby that will enter our lives soon and in the meantime, i am waiting for that first flutter and with that, i will fall in love even deeper with my third little one!

and i mourned over the ending of babyhood hard core. check out my breakdown here:)

and this is my experience. i know some perfectly wonderful mamas who are ready for the kids to go to school as soon as they can walk and there is nothing wrong with that. but me..well, i'm a bit of emotional wreck at the thought of my little ones growing up at lightening speeds. i've learned, such is life and we have to grow up and live our own journey, find our way and with that we will be blessed ten fold when our babies grow into adults.

oh yeah, and who knew that instead of hopping into a shiny time machine to get back to babyhood, all you really need is a bottle of red and weekend trip away from the kids.

with the new happenings going on, i am trying to prepare for Tagalong and the mama-do list is running over onto a secoond page, single-spaced!

i haven't really cleaned in a while and i haven't cooked in so long that peyton asked why we were at Chili's AGAIN and 'how come you don't cook for us anymore?' yes, a healthy helping of guilt is mandatory in mommy land!

but jeff's been a champ and the kids are becoming more independent by getting up on their own each day (via a super LOUD alarm clock) and with the promise of a few stars on their star chart, they have been making their beds, brushing their teeth, and dressing themselves almost everyday this week!!!

so we are getting it done and i am so proud of them (and us) for being more responsible!

for now, i will still cradle beckham's long body and kiss his bronze forehead until his lashes tickle my chin and i have to stop. i will call him my baby and i won't notice how heavy he has gotten until they place my little peanut in my arms for the first time. i know beckham will lose his baby status in that exact moment. he's pretty excited about his new status though: big brother!

he will be the best big brother...well, this is what he tells me and i believe he will be!

peyton, my serious and sensitive one with a heart of gold, will adore her new sibling but will not easily give up one moment of mommy or daddy time to the little one. nope and she's not going down without a fight! so, i am relishing time with her and i will be sure to make mommy/peyton time more special. we are already planning some dates with her cousin sophie and her mommy and she's feeling special about that!

i see glimpses of the woman she will become and i am reminded of how alike we can be and again, how fast time is going by. time. it's such an amazing...asset. i forget that sometimes.

and while i won't stop wondering how they will deal with the adjustment or question if i am doing enough for them while they see me nursing the newest member of the family almost constantly,

evie watching beckham love on her baby bro, spencer.

but beckham's sweet heart will always adore his cousin evie!

with an exciting future year ahead of us, i will keep steady watch over the two that first stole my heart and who love one another fiercely. the bond between them is strong and the fun they have together is priceless...

the trouble they find together just makes for good stories!

"get marshmallow fluff OFF of the stairs!"

they each got a time-out shortly after this pic was taken. evidence, people!

madonna and justin bieber, together at last!

***

i haven't cooked in about a week, but i making these stuffed peppers tomorrow. they are soooooo good. try 'em out. they are healthier than grandma's version even though i do love her peppers! one day, i'll post that one too!

for now, i am preparing for messy babies

bottle washing, and extra lovins!

xoxoxo.

recipes to follow because i am itching to cook something new and a giveaway!

** again, all of my words are running together, but i have posted a question to a blogger forum and am crossing my fingers for a quick answer:) oh, how i wish i were techy like mark zuckerberg!

mystery of life. {big news!}

how much do we really control of our own lives? i've been thinking a lot about this topic for a few weeks. we work, we plan, pray, and organize what we think we would like our lives to look like... at least the components of which that we think we dictate.

at an early age, our parents ask us what we want to be when we grow up. we look up at them with stars in our eyes and big dreams in our hearts, "a chinese food maker!" true story.

and then, after we work our way through freshman year of high school with a, "whew, i made it and it wasn't that bad," we go onto our sophomore and junior years learning about ourselves, our friends, our parents, and members of the opposite sex or sharks as my dad would call the boys.

in our senior year of school, inevitably there is someone on the Yearbook Committee that wants to include "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" within the pages of the school yearbook. quickly we tally up what our age will be in ten (holy shit, 28!) and we guess what we will be doing. i vividly remember thinking that my life would be half over at that point, i mean seriously, it's almost 30!

"In ten years, i will be a retired actress and working as a child psychologist. I will be married with 4 kids, a dog, and house with a white picket fence around it. I will be very successful."

You would think that i would have been more creative with my dream, but this is what i wanted at the time and at 28 i had my first baby, peyton. no, i am not an actress even though i attempted to be and i never did become an "official" child psychologist but i worked as a first grade teacher which is basically close enough... so i was pretty close, but completely right and i am learning that i do not control my future. i offer tidbits, suggestions but life just happens regardless of schedules or plans. this is both scary and exciting!

i love looking back at old journals and reading about my dreams and wishes and goals. sometimes it is hard to see the growth within yourself, but if you start reading a journal you began at age 15... you'll get hit with your own growth and...THANK GOODNESS for that!

if you haven't started a journal and have always wanted to... do it! it's amazing what you will learn about yourself and it's super amusing and a good way to learn how to laugh at yourself! it's priceless material.

*go and get any old journal and write in it for one minute each night (or more if you are so inclined), but one minute is not overwhelming and it's a easy way to document one great thing from your day! in my preteen and teen years, my journal was more of a rant at the people i was mad at and less of a gratitude, but it's tone shifted... growth, baby!*

i'm ranting, i'm ranting. i haven't blogged in so long, i have too many things to say and since this is supposed to be a small post, i will end my rant and talk about something special!

i've been a blog loser this summer. i have had a quiet blog and i HATE that, but what ya'll (my writing voice just turned a little bit country;) don't know is that i've had a really interesting (if you will) reason.

for starters, back in june...i thought i had a some horrible tumor that was going to cause my untimely departure from earth. i was sick constantly and all i could do was lay around and make excuses to my kids for not taking them anywhere.

to make this story shorter, i informed my mom that i was worried at which point...she did what moms are not supposed to do and scared me even more (love you mom, but ya did!)

"heidi, you haven't been feeling well, you need to make an appointment with your doctor tomorrow. promise me you will."

if you knew my mom, you'd know that she's pretty laid back and not much freaks her out, so basically i heard, you're going to die. and i heard this because, i'm crazy!

this went on for a couple of weeks and then i learned that life threw us a sweet little surprise (like never been more surprised or shocked in my life)...

we are having a baby!!!!

i guess drinking pickle juice by the jar and stuffing costco size olives with blue cheese and proscuitto and making it my breakfast, lunch, and dinner wasn't clue enough that i was growing a baby so one night around 11 at night, i peed on a stick and the positive sign nearly blinded me and bumped be off the toilet with it's news.

"OH MY GOODNESS, Oh my goodness. no way. i'm pregnant. oh my goodness!"

i ran to the kids rooms and hugged them and kissed them asleep. i needed these moments with just them, because soon enough, my two would be three and soon i would be a new mommy again. learning how to do it after so many years on 'easy street!'

if i saw a unicorn flying through the sky right now, i wouldn't be as surprised as learning i was/am pregnant. however, after a quick call to mom (who said she knew it all along;), my best friend, and sisters...it started to sink in!

...it's been a whirlwind of nervous and happy tears, morning sickness and

magic.

the magic that happens when you see your baby for the first time on the monitor and the technician says...

"see right there, if you look really closely, you will see your baby's heart beating!"

i see it! it's beautiful.

we are excited to meet our little one and i know when they place my baby in my arms for the first time, i will be looking at our sweet surprise knowing that life truly is a mystery and thank goodness for these gifts.

for now, i will freak out scrambling to pull together baby gear and get my house ready for Sweet Surprise. and for the most lovely part of this journey...doing this with peyton and beckham by my side. watching their faces as they stare at the monitor that shows our little alien in my belly. i will answer their questions, "mommy, will the baby have arms or legs?"

i love this part of our adventure!

a baby in the house again...!

for now, i keep looking at my two little ones trying to soak in as much of them as i can before Tagalong shows up. i can't believe our two will be three soon.

our girl is growing up and she is spunky and lovely all rolled into one sweet nugget.

we went to the beach for sunset a few nights ago and she made friends with a little boy on the beach and before i knew it, she was skim boarding in her clothes and she rocked it out! we are so proud of her!

i love how these two can argue and fight and drive me crazy one minute, but the next, converse and laugh like nothing happened. i love the way they look out for one another and love each other.

***

today was peyton's first day of first grade and beckham's first day of pre-k4! last year, it was so hard to let peyton go, but today it was different. she is an experienced student now after an exciting year in kindergarten! she looked confident and almost excited. very different from the sweet but nervous girl that clutched to me last year.

she waved goodbye and that was that.

beckham on the other hand, well, let's just say that i cried a few hundred tears as my friend, lindsay basically held my hand and said it would all be okay. beckham would love his new class.

"just wait, when you pick him up he is going to be so excited!"

beckham's nervous face.

beckham's brave face.

he did amazing. and he did love school. but he told me he missed me and asked if i could pick him up early tomorrow!

i love this kid. so. much.

***

a free tour through the naples fire station! it was...awesome and the kids loved it!

i thought i may fall over from a heat stroke (thank you kelle for taking my kids when i was too sick to have them, xoxox), but the kids got to ride in the truck which made everything perfect in their world!

Mystery is at the heart of creativity. That, and surprise.

~julia cameron

xoxoxo

i'm off to journal for one minute!

another post this week, as well as a giveaway that i keep talking about!

*** not sure why my paragraphs are smooshing together, but if anyone knows why i would love to fix it!!

{marinating}

...in the last few days of our summer holiday and i'm really digging sam's thoughts on summer and laziness! however, i like to think of it not as laziness, rather living with the rule that a daily nap under a tree is perfectly acceptable. " i've taken three, maybe four naps in the last seven days and it was...not lazy, it was needed, cherished, reflected upon with the utmost admiration! of course.

i liken it to beckham's rechargeable radio-controlled truck! it comes with a rechargeable battery. when the truck is being played with for day's on end, carrying load of and loads of various little toys and trinkets back and forth in the bed of the truck, "...i have a delivery for you, mama...vroom, vroom,..." eventually, the truck needs a break so it's batteries can recharge. let's face it, if the batteries aren't at full capacity, it runs slower and does a pathetic job of lugging beckham's complete family of plastic dinosaurs around until it eventually dies.

a chance to recharge. reinvigorate. dude, we all need that. so, laziness in this sense is quite mandatory! so, please go and find your lazy! it's there for the taking if you look for and understand the importance of it.

"Deep Summer is when laziness finds respectability."

-Sam Keen

so here is a little tidbit of the 'laziness' we have been indulging in this week...

{an insane amount of musical chairs}

look at that concentration on p's face...eye of the tiger, baby!

the adult version yielded some minor injuries, but hey, all in the name of fun, eh?

(that's my canadian for, right?)

{watched little cousins play together}

and a little part of me is constantly reminded that we made this happen by having kids of our own. we have made playmates for each other's children and they will grow up together even if they don't see each other everyday. these memories and experiences will shape their relationships.

watching peyton nurture her baby cousin has been a treat to watch. watching her own 'mothering' skills that have been roughly passed on to her from me is endearing and lovely to take in.

{twirling}

{line dancing and the slosh}

{and the Evergreen ragg mopp}

{kisses and dances with my little guy}

{balloon collecting is way more fun than getting into bed on time}

{a mama's favorite pastime must be watching her children BE very happy}

the fun doesn't end until one or more babies pass out...

please note: (future teenage peyton and becks) these Evergreen tatts are fake. they wash off;)

beckham and his buddy, carter. all tuckered out.

{watching a fiery sunset at Evergreen. always one of the highlights and an amazing way to close the day out.}

we are in canada at evergreen for one more day. we leave tomorrow after an amazing week of campfires, late-night swims, and unending sand, food, and fun with friends we have grown up with for over 25 years.

i have more photos to share, but until next year...goodnight, evergreen!

another giveaway, about 300 more summer memories to post, recipes, photo session sneak peeks...whew... all coming up!

...now go find your lazy. even if it's only for an afternoon. seriously, go find it now because summer 2011 is almost a memory! we'll miss you watermelon stained tshirts, slip and slides playdates, and late-night bbq's.

xoxoxo