Wednesday, August 31, 2011

when you love someone...

bryan adam's says you'll shoot the moon-put out the sun, but i am little less showy than him.

when i love someone, I will do just about anything to keep them safe, happy, and feeling loved and in trying to do what mothers do each and everyday, i am feeling a tad inadequate these days.


i realize of course this is because our lives will be completely different, enhanced, but different come march and i'm afraid of tipping the balance of our lives too much in one direction. so i am prematurely nesting to keep my two older birds from feeling like they are going to be knocked out of their cozy nest soon. i want them to know that there is enough room for all of us and more than enough love and attention to go around.

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i'm busy with life, but my mind is even busier still...

get busy. organize a room. check the kids school schedule. write a sweet note for the lunch boxes. healthy snacks for the lunch that i hope will be eaten. did beckham have a project that needs to be turned in? (he does actually) am i providing an organized environment and setting up my kids for scholastic success? did i turn the thermostat down/feed the bunny and guinea pig/brush my teeth/call back that client/respond to that email before i left the house? what's for dinner... and lunch and breakfast for that matter? we should paint peyton's room. i need to hang my picture wall. what does beckham want his birthday theme to be this year. i need a nap.


ever since i found out i was growing a baby, my mind has been racing with things to do before spring...and thank you, thank you for the sweet and heartfelt congrats and love you sent our way after i made the announcement. if you were trying to make a pregnant mama cry, you won!


part of me needed to hear those congratulatory messages. i was feeding off of them like it was food for my soul.


you see, i'm pretty freaked out about the idea of bringing a baby into the house again. excited and feeling blessed and crazily lucky, but a healthy dose of anxiety and worry are sitting right next to my sugar and spice.
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i think this is what happens when you think something is over.

i thought i would never again experience morning sickness or the tingling sensation of skin stretching to it's limits from the growing mound of cells turned baby. the often mistaken for gas pain, turns out to be the first flutters of your baby's kick and nothing will stop you in your tracks as quickly as realizing...huh, oh my goodness. that was my baby. i felt it! I felt it! you will never forget where you were when you first felt life growing within your body because up until then, it just didn't feel real.


midnight feedings and diaper changes are truly a job when you are up to your elbows in bottle sanitizing, sore nipples, and a colic ridden baby with acid reflux...but you get through it and one day without even noticing- that baby is a toddler and is sleeping through the night sporting big kid undies and mama has been gifted the luxury of a restful slumber once again.

i can't tell you how many times i have wanted to magically transport myself back to sleepless nights and poopy diapers...because in between the stinging eyes of exhaustion and the unending jars of baby food and trips to costco for dipes and wipes~ carrying for my new baby has been without a doubt the most lovely part of my life. period.


and any mama, regardless of how that mama was made a mother...maybe you were laying down with a blue cloth in your face and someone put your baby's forehead near your lips so you could smell in your baby for the first time, or maybe you labored and pushed your baby out into the world, maybe you flew to another country and brought a baby home, or perhaps you gave a child a home that needed one and maybe still you may not even have a child yet, and it doesn't matter because when you hear, "i love you, mommy!" for the first time, all the exhaustion melts away and you are left with your own little miracle and miracles are always worth the trouble.

and the trouble so far has been some massive headaches and a little nausea. i'm tired and feeling a tad...older these days, but i wouldn't have it any other way because i am crossing over into that stage of dreamy wonder about the baby that will enter our lives soon and in the meantime, i am waiting for that first flutter and with that, i will fall in love even deeper with my third little one!


and i mourned over the ending of babyhood hard core. check out my breakdown here:)


and this is my experience. i know some perfectly wonderful mamas who are ready for the kids to go to school as soon as they can walk and there is nothing wrong with that. but me..well, i'm a bit of emotional wreck at the thought of my little ones growing up at lightening speeds. i've learned, such is life and we have to grow up and live our own journey, find our way and with that we will be blessed ten fold when our babies grow into adults.


oh yeah, and who knew that instead of hopping into a shiny time machine to get back to babyhood, all you really need is a bottle of red and weekend trip away from the kids.


with the new happenings going on, i am trying to prepare for Tagalong and the mama-do list is running over onto a secoond page, single-spaced!


i haven't really cleaned in a while and i haven't cooked in so long that peyton asked why we were at Chili's AGAIN and 'how come you don't cook for us anymore?' yes, a healthy helping of guilt is mandatory in mommy land!


but jeff's been a champ and the kids are becoming more independent by getting up on their own each day (via a super LOUD alarm clock) and with the promise of a few stars on their star chart, they have been making their beds, brushing their teeth, and dressing themselves almost everyday this week!!!


so we are getting it done and i am so proud of them (and us) for being more responsible!


for now, i will still cradle beckham's long body and kiss his bronze forehead until his lashes tickle my chin and i have to stop. i will call him my baby and i won't notice how heavy he has gotten until they place my little peanut in my arms for the first time. i know beckham will lose his baby status in that exact moment. he's pretty excited about his new status though: big brother!

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he will be the best big brother...well, this is what he tells me and i believe he will be!
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peyton, my serious and sensitive one with a heart of gold, will adore her new sibling but will not easily give up one moment of mommy or daddy time to the little one. nope and she's not going down without a fight! so, i am relishing time with her and i will be sure to make mommy/peyton time more special. we are already planning some dates with her cousin sophie and her mommy and she's feeling special about that!
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i see glimpses of the woman she will become and i am reminded of how alike we can be and again, how fast time is going by. time. it's such an amazing...asset. i forget that sometimes.

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and while i won't stop wondering how they will deal with the adjustment or question if i am doing enough for them while they see me nursing the newest member of the family almost constantly,

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evie watching beckham love on her baby bro, spencer.

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but beckham's sweet heart will always adore his cousin evie!

with an exciting future year ahead of us, i will keep steady watch over the two that first stole my heart and who love one another fiercely. the bond between them is strong and the fun they have together is priceless...
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the trouble they find together just makes for good stories!
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"get marshmallow fluff OFF of the stairs!"

they each got a time-out shortly after this pic was taken. evidence, people!

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madonna and justin bieber, together at last!


***
i haven't cooked in about a week, but i making these stuffed peppers tomorrow. they are soooooo good. try 'em out. they are healthier than grandma's version even though i do love her peppers! one day, i'll post that one too!

for now, i am preparing for messy babies
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bottle washing, and extra lovins!
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xoxoxo.
recipes to follow because i am itching to cook something new and a giveaway!

** again, all of my words are running together, but i have posted a question to a blogger forum and am crossing my fingers for a quick answer:) oh, how i wish i were techy like mark zuckerberg!

29 comments:

Sarah said...

I was on my way to bed but I had to read!!! Both my girls are March babies!!! You'll feel better soon I know it! Soon you'll feel the exuberance of the 2nd trimester (ok, that may be stretching it but you'll feel like a normal person again) I'm so glad you get to be a baby mama again. I can tell it suits you! :)

Handmade in the Bay said...

Wow, congratulations to all of you! Such exciting news, I don't know how I missed your first post about your sweet surprise! I can't wait to see pictures of your precious bundle when he/she arrives, I hope your pregnancy goes fast haha! Look after yourself and eat whatever you are craving! xx

lynne said...

You've got this, dear Heidi. Despite how it plays out in your mind's eye, the kiddos always, I repeat, ALWAYS go above and beyond our wildest expectations. They have a wonderful, solid foundation. Relax, breathe, enjoy but don't overthink it. Everything will play out as it's supposed to. But you can't imagine. You will look back and shake your head.....those kids, they rise to the top.....we can't predict with kids and that's the great thing about them. Oh, we would limit their amazingness if we did!

lynne said...

btw....I love the pic of Jeff and Beckham......
the raw hairy, scruffy roughness of daddy against the sweet, softness of your little boy............

Anonymous said...

When you love someone?!! Oh, Heidi...I heart YOU!! Well, you know what I mean...in that "one of my favorite blogs' type of way!

Love, love, love this post. Your children are lucky to have such a wonderful mom! I have no doubt they will feel loved, included and grow up knowing there is room for all. You have already thought through this (and the baby hasn't even arrived yet!) more than most moms I know!

Hope the headaches and nausea ends soon!

Love,
Jill B (Overland Park, KS)

Shannon said...

I am so happy for you. They will be great, you are one awesome Mama!! I have a 13 year old & a 2 year old. (Surprise!!) LOL! I wouldn't change a thing. She is such a blessing, and my teen chose to be in the delivery room when we had her. The nurse handed her to me, then my dh, then to her...and she started staring, then sobbing as she started talking about how sweet she was. {insert tears} I remember that every day, their bond... Congratulations again, sweetie!!

Maria said...

Thinking of you, Heidi & how exciting & exhausting this journey is going to be.
Just think, the holidays, a bit of a break & then Christmas all over again! Can't wait to see another little beauty on one of my favourite blogs!!
Hugs,
Maria

Sian said...

Looks like you have so much on your mind. You will rock this because you love your little ones so much. They are loved which is the single most important thing when preparing babies to grow up. When new baby comes along a new rhythm will develop, new bond with form between the kids and you wont be able to imagine your lovely family any other way. xxx

kellywhite@rogers.com said...

OMG Heidi, what an amazing post! I would be freaking out too if I somehow found out a third was coming - so I can imagine all of your feelings. A new baby, how amazing....you won't change it for the world when you meet the little one. I can't wait to meet him/her through your blog. And your two kids are freaking adorable.

Kelly

Jeanne said...

Congrats! How exciting for you and your family. After I found out I was pregnant by quite the surprise I had many a sleepless night tring to figure out where the dresser should go? Looking back I realized that all the little details will just work themselves out. There is no knowing that a new baby will bring. I am just so excited for you guys. What a wonderful gift!!!

Jeanne said...

I forgot to mention...
Bunnies on the stairs...ahhh just melted my heart! Love that you got pictures before the time outs were given!

Tali said...

my sis in law is pregnant with her first and i had to forward her this post. it made me cry because you describe the feelings of becoming a mama so beautifully. congrats to you on your sweet little surprise! i'm happy for you that the baby years are not over yet because i agree, no matter how hard, when they are gone we will want them back!

happymommy said...

Oh Heidi...what a sweet and heartfelt post!! You are one AMAZING mama and your family is just Beautiful!!! Love the way you love on your babies....that new sweet baby is going to be loved and adored by everyone in your family more than he/she can even imagine...what a lucky little one! LOVE the pic of "madonna and justin beiber", simply priceless and the pic of the bunny and the kids on the stairs....too funny!!! Your blog makes my heart happy!!! Keep doing what you are doing because you are doing it just right!!!

Denise said...

When we got pregnant with number five, we were so scared and nervous and overwhelmed. Finally my husband just looked at me and said "oh well, we can just slap the kid on our backs and sherpa him/her around" Our older daughter was not to happy, she had to many little babies stealing her spotlight over the years, one on our side and 2 on her Mom's side, she called the baby lima bean and told it to go back where it came from. Secretly though, I would find a scrap book with copies of my ultrasound in it. While I was in the hospital when he was born, and because of the big H1N1 epedemic of 2009 the kids couldn't be there, she was at home writing the baby notes and and making him framed pictures, of how much she loved him and how cool he was because she was his big sister. All the kids adore their baby, and as he became more of a "person" and started walking and talking and hitting :) They are less than thrilled with him sometimes, but your kids are going to be just fine. They will know their Mommy loves them just as before, even if your time is more divided.

KWQR said...

I am 23 weeks today with our #3... I know just what you mean about the excitement/joy/fear combo pack. We are over the moon to meet our newest little, but oh-so-freaked about how in the world we will be able to do all for a newborn & still give the big brothers all that they need. One step at a time... knowing that the beginning will be a whirl (but such a sweet one!) and soon enough I will have three grown men calling me Mom. Congratulations to you & your family!

Jannice said...

Uh, I just adore this post! I secretly wish I would be surprised with baby #3. There is soooo much I miss about having a baby. I hate that my girls are growing so fast...I love to watch them grow, but it all goes by way too fast for me :( I too have some friends that can't have that first day of school come fast enough...I tell them they are crazy. My babies are 5 and 6, and I still get teary when I sneak in to give them one last kiss goodnight. I love your shout out to mamas everywhere! Your posts are great - just so down to earth. you'll all do great with the new little one...Maybe it'll be easier this time around because of the older ones independency?? All the best!!

Summit of Glory said...

Oh Heidi - you dear, sweet thing! Babies are always meant to be.....life will change, yes.....but it will be good. Everyone will adjust....sibling are a great gift to big sisters and brothers. Don't be so hard on yourself.....go slow and enjoy the pregnancy! xo

The Manrings said...

so now i am really crying heidi....your explanation of how bittersweet it is to watch our babies grow and change is just how i feel. you are such a loving mother....and baby #3 is SO lucky. xoxo

cathy said...

simply written, beautifully, from your heart
much, much love & congratulations

enjoy EVERY second, time flies by too quickly

I am a mama of 3 boys that are now 26,23 & 20 & I say that , for me, winning a lottery would be-- given a day when they were 8,5 & 2, again....just 1 day

xoxo
cathy

Angie said...

I love this post :) The part about the baby being placed in your arms for the first time gave me chills and made me tear up! You put it so beautifully. You have such a sweet spirit, it just radiates through my computer screen :)


Happy Friday!

XOXO,
Angie from Ohio

Just Trying Not to Blink .... said...

I totally get the jumble of different feelings you are feeling. I felt the same way when I had my littlest one (No. 3 as well). I found that going back to sleepless nights, sore nipples and projectile poops (how could have forgotten about those?) was different this time. Knowing, really knowing, how fast my older ones grew from babies to toddlers and then little kids, made me appreciate my little one even more. I felt truly privileged that I could experience it all again, even at 3 a.m. squinting into the glare of the bathroom light while dealing with a blowout - true story, the words "this is a privilege" went through my head ;)

I also love how my older ones (5 and 6) enjoy watching me interact with baby Pippa. They get to see what it is like to be a baby at our house and they love to hear stories and imagine how they were as babies.

You've got it covered, I'm sure! Enjoy!

Chante said...

Dont forget the second trimester is so much better. Im due in Feb and I just hit the 16 wks mark and I feel amazing compared to just two weeks ago. Im actually playing games with my daughter again AND cooking. Im enjoying hearing your worries as they are mine too. Congratulations on the new peach.

Anonymous said...

Dear Heidi:

I love to read the blog daily - sometimes over and over - old or new it ALWAYS reminds me how grateful I am that you are the mommy of my little love muffins and the love of Jeffy's life.

Love Sito,

P.S. As usual David said oh gee Linnie - you are such a fruit. But he feels exactly the same way I do!!

patsy said...

so excited for you....and a bit jealous ;) i, like you, LOVE the baby stage! there is just nothing better than nursing a sweet baby to sleep and looking down at what is truly an angel here on earth...oh how i miss those days. time goes by way too fast! you are an amazing momma and how blessed this new baby will be to be welcomed to such an amazing family :)

Jen Bacarella said...

Who could not love you! So miss my summer Michigan friend and want to blink away the next 6 months until that little girl (my prediction)arrives and I can come help help my friend become a mommy of 3! March 10th is my birthday let's aim for that day :-)

Anonymous said...

Missing our favorite blogger! Hope you are feeling ok, and taking care of that future little one..

Brandy said...

CONGRATS! Another bit of awesome to love and make your family even more wonderful! And omg all the amazing newborn pics you are going to take!
Hope your pregnancy is smooth and easy!

Anonymous said...

Don't be an ignorant fool like your friend Kelle Hampton--get the prenatal test for Down Syndrome.

Amandaxo said...

Happy Birthday, Heidi. I'm a fairly new reader, but really look forward to reading each and every post :) I can't wait to hear about your OB appt...there is no sweeter sound than that of your baby's beating heart <3