Thursday, September 15, 2011

35.

years and years ago, i remember asking my very cool and very pretty babysitter how old she was and when she answered that she was fourteen, i remember sitting there in the cardboard box house she had just constructed for us in a state of amazement. oh my gosh, she is DOUBLE my age! she is soooooo old!

being analytical, even at the early age of seven, i can remember sitting there and wondering how i would ever get so old and with a smug attitude, i decided that when i eventually did turn fourteen, i would be even cooler than my cool babysitter and that was that.

old. old?

it's all relative, right?

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last week i turned 35. i pause when i say it because i'm not sure i'm speaking correctly of myself. of course there was a time that i thought 35 was ancient and life would surely be over, but i think we all learn that this is not true and we either lie to ourselves or really believe that we are younger than we are...'cause i'm gonna be honest, i don't feel old and in fact despite all of the jokes of being an old woman- i feel pretty good and i'm happy at the age that i find myself to be!

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i will admit though, i called my mom and asked her how it felt that her daughters were 35 now. she just laughed and said, " i know, i can't believe it...you girls are getting up there!" thanks, mom;)

even though i have another blog post in the hopper that i'll post that in a couple of days, i thought i would post a little about what it feels like in this moment after just celebrating a birthday...a diary entry of sorts like i did when i turned 34! a little self absorbed...maybe but when it's your birthday, you can be! seriously. it's one day...take it!

things i've been pondering, because if a birthday does nothing else for me, it forces me to reflect to on where i've been, where i'm goin'...you know what i'm saying!

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* you know when people in their thirties say that they no longer feel like they have anything to prove to anyone. they can be themselves. who cares what other people think about them. well, it's kinda true. i think there is a freedom that comes with age and experience. with living and loving and most of all...learning.

i'm learning that there is a balance between not giving a damn and really caring a lot. i guess part of it is this confidence that has grown within me gradually and most of it comes from being a mom. being responsible for these two, almost three little humans that just. mean. so. much.

it's figuring out that we kind of need to have beliefs and firm thoughts and ideas on certain things so we can then pass them on to our children so that they then have a foundation on which to stand.

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don't touch the cake please!

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trying so hard...

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so close!

* what really matters is spending time with people that i love and care about and meeting new people and taking the time to hear their story because i've learned that there is a lot that can be learned from the people around us. i didn't always know this.

* i've learned that sometimes i cry over things that make me happy and others things that make me sad and it's okay. it's also okay to let the kids share in those emotions...sometimes. to cry or laugh with a friend who needs you to be there...there isn't a greater gift to that person who needs a shoulder and a validating sentiment. i know this because i've been on the receiving end.

* i've learned that my life is full, very full of blessings and good health and all of the things that i pray to God each night to keep, but that sometimes i want more. it's life. it's cool because all that really matters is a healthy and content family...and really this is all that i ever really want. well, that and time machine!

* i've learned that it really is the smallest things in life that matter most. these are the things that i enjoy and think about for long moments throughout the day...

the way beckham's eyelashes tickle my cheeks when he gives me a kiss; or peyton's new smile that surprises me each time she laughs and i catch a glimpse of her adult teeth that don't yet fit her sweet mouth yet, or the way she grasps my fingers while we lay in bed watching a movie together at night when it's just the two of us; or how beckham is all grown up when he walks into school in the morning, but when i come to pick him up in the afternoon, he forgets all about that big boy stuff and turns into my baby again by grinning ear to ear while saying mama, mama over and over again and jumping into my arms to give me a huge hug and kiss...every single day.

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thank you, jeff for taking these pictures!! xo

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thank you, peyton and becks for making my birthday so special! i love you so much and you are the best presents anyone could ask for. i'm a lucky girl and i know it!
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i think what the guinea pig is trying to say, "help me!" peyton loves bunny so much. it really is funny.

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there are so many of these things i could write about.

the pride i feel when one of the kids finishes dinner and then walks their plate over to the sink instead of leaving it on the table or when they get up on their own and brush their teeth, make their bed and get dressed on school days (it doesn't happen often, but when it does it's like christmas morning!)

* i've said before that my 'laugh' lines don't bother me much and that i rather like them. well, some mornings i do and some i don't and on those days a little extra slathering of some kind of serum promising younger looking skin in two weeks keeps me happy until the next month or so when i remember to care about it all over again!

* i've learned that sometimes i get really nervous over work, over staying true to myself but wanting to please others or the client...i think this is a good thing. i think it makes me try to always be better, do better, think more.

* i've learned that i have/need to let go of some control in regards to my kids and school. as much as i'd LOVE to choose teachers, classmates, friends and BE there to make sure they are happy and okay...i can't. it's tough at first, but it's okay. it's called life and we all get the PRIVILEGE of learning and growing up and it's a really good thing.
(even though i want to talk to the little girls who told peyton she couldn't play princesses with them the other day;) i can't and i'm not supposed to. let go, let go. my new chant!


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happy birthday, mommy. surprise, i can tie now!

* this year more than any year, i have learned that life is a mystery and i'm so glad it is. i have this little one growing inside of me and i forgot how amazing, magical, surreal it is to be pregnant. i've been sick, really sick with migraines for the last month or more, but i never forget why i'm under the weather and while i am 'patiently' waiting to feel the first flutters of this little one, i grow more and more in love with him or her. i'm stuck at not wanting this pregnancy to end and wanting it to so i can get my hands on this little one. i want to smother it in kisses and introduce him or her to peyton and beckham. i can't wait.

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look who's growing!


* happy birthday to my look alike, heather. i love you so much, xoxo

...i could go on but i'm rambling, so i will end this by saying thank you to my family, friends, clients, and readers for making me a better person. for inspiring me in so many ways and for teaching me to do better. you all make my world a better place and i love you for it. thank you also to my friends who made my 35th extra special!

now, i'm off to prepare for my OB appt tomorrow morning where i will get to hear my baby's heartbeat!!!!

xoxoxo

PS sneak peeks, info on the next giveaway and more will be posted in three days... migraines and life don't mix well i've learned but it's getting better.... yahooooooo!!!!!!



33 comments:

Handmade in the Bay said...

Looks like you had a wonderful birthday! And what a gorgeous baby bump, not that I am surprised, you are one beautiful lady! Have a wonderful weekend, and I hope those migraines go away asap!

Sarah said...

Last week Anna Cate said to me, "I don't want to die...I want to grow old" to which I replied, "Me too." She said, "You already are!" Ha! I love the way you share your thoughts about life, children and pregnancy. I am so sorry you are sick and know it must be so hard taking care of your kids and your business but soon you'll feel better. And, yes...a beautiful little baby bump. I never showed when I was pregnant, It was the weirdest thing they just snuggled up inside me and I never got that bump so enjoy it!! Happy Birthday.

Brandy said...

I clearly remember thinking my teenage babysitter was glamourous and so old and when I was that age I would be as awesome as her! Obviously by the time I turned 20 I would be a high paid lawyer(my go to "when I grow up" answer) be narried, live in a mansion, driver a porsche etc..because 20 was really old!
Yay bump! I was just looking at pics of me this time last year, I can barely remember being pregnant now! Hope your feeling better soon!

Mrs Mason said...

Just wait 'til your 40 to hear what your mother says! It's not kind! Somehow I found it odd that I could remember her being 40 and her 40th party! Now that IS old! Hey ho! Bump is looking gorgeous. Happy Birthday and take care xx

Ani said...

Happy Birthday! Baby bumps are the best. Your little ones are SO cute!

colette said...

i just love your blog. i've been following for awhile and feel like i know you. you're pictures and writing are so captivating. love. love. love.

about not talking to the little girls who didn't let peyton play princess with them.... whoa. i would have really had to hold myself back on that one! it's so hard to reign in "mother bear" at times like that! but our little girls are strong and are learning to navigate their way through this sometimes cruel world. and that we must let them do....

excited for you to hear the heartbeat!! how many weeks are you?? love the baby bump!

Shannon said...

Oh honey, your little baby belly is sweet! I stumbled over here after linking from Kelle's blog, and I just love it! I love your friendship, and honestly thought you were sisters, after seeing your photos together.

Happy 35!! You make it look great! Have a lovely weekend!

Jannice said...

What an adorable belly! I know how you feel about letting go. Everyday I watch my Ella who is in first grade walking over to the playground and pray that she has a great day and that no body hurts her feelings. She should be with me every second so that she knows no cruelty or ugliness! I don't know how I'll hold myself back when my babies feelings get hurt some day! I know its a part of life...blah, blah, blah...but the thought of it hurts!! I hopeyou are feeling better. Enjoy every second of this magical time! And happy belated birthday!

Jeff Darwish said...

My Heidikins, I think if you knew the joy this blog brings me you would post daily. Not only does it make me excited to come to work to read the blog when I know you have done a post but the feelings I have about you when I read it are amazing. I know I don't comment much but I just felt like telling you how much I appreciate this blog, you taking care of my 2.33 babies and everything else you do for me. I really do wish those darn headaches would go away! On a side note, I'm going to put this one out to the people that read this blog, we... ok (I)am looking for some powerful awesome sports names because when you have a Peyton and a Beckham it's kind of hard to go with Jeff Jr so if any of you know any great names I'm all ears. Back to you Heidi, I love you very much and I am very excited about what's behind door number 3!

heather said...

Birthdays are so fun with the excitement of children in the home. I love getting the homemade cards, dollar store gifts, and seeing their joy and excitement . . . almost as if it was their own birthday. Looks like you had a happy day. And now that I’m 40 . . . 35 is looking pretty young these days! Enjoy!

Amy said...

"even though i want to talk to the little girls who told peyton she couldn't play princesses with them the other day"
This is something I have had to let go of too.. even though I have quite a frew things to say with my "inside voice" I love your protective instincts, your blog, and your growing family.
Hope you start feeling better! Can't wait for some recipes....

Patti said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I agree with Heather...at 43 I am thinking 35 is pretty young. What's weird is 35 seems to be the number I am stuck at "feeling", no matter how old I really am. I think it's that perfect age, still not many wrinkles or gray(although I'm starting to embrace those ha!), but more life experience than the teens or twenties to guide. I love how you are choosing to savor and enjoy your pregnancy and "not want it to end". It's lovely to be able to soak up all the feelings of the moment instead of rushing on ahead to the next decade:)
I hope your day was spectacular! Your baby bump is adorable by the way- jealous!! Crazy after ten kiddos, but yes, I'm jealous:)
Hugs to you!

Patti said...

p.s. okay, just read your husband's comment and AGGHH! tears! I'm going to go tell my husband he has a standard to live up to!!
Jeff- how bout Gretzky? LOL. He asked me out once when I worked at an ice cream shop ..when I was 17! SOO glad I picked my boss instead (who's been my husband for 24 years now:))
I am so not a sports person, so that was all I could come up with. hehe.

Our Crazy Life said...

Happy Birthday! There is something so special about baby bumps. It really makes it feel real. Sweet comment by Jeff. Can't think of any sports names off the top of my head but I am sure the two of you will come up with something great.

Sian said...

aww happy birthday hon, you're are just so lovely aren't you? xxx

Daniele said...

Aww, happy birthday!

To your hubby, greatest sports name ever (coming from a Chicagoan) - Jordan ;)

Angie said...

I couldn't agree with you more with what you said on aging. We live, we learn, we get better.

That baby bump is adorable! I loved reading about what stage the little one inside me was in... forming arms, feet, hair, a true miracle in the making!

And how sweet is Jeff?! Ugh, made me cry!! I think it's sweet that he left a comment here for the world to read :)

Happy Friday!

XOXO,
Angie from Ohio

Rhonda said...

Okay Jeff..I just fell in love with you too :) Carter would be a great name for a boy :) I love your comment about "being excited for whats behind door number 3" You two are adorable!!

Heidi, I am a bit disappointed in this blog....You say you only celebrate for 1 day...GIRLFRIEND ....A 35th bday should be celebrated for at least a week :)
I just had my bday on Sept 11 (my 36th) and as of today I am still going strong. Dinner with girlfriends, movies, a night with Elton John, Solo last night, and this morning a cooking demo with Curtis Stone :) Sigh...LIFE IS GOOD!!
Happy Birthday to you and your lovely look alike.

R
xo

Sarah said...

name suggestion: Bode (pronounced like Bodie) the great alpine skier:)

Maria said...

OK..I think we're all a little in love with Jeff.
Lucky you! Nothing in life more beautiful than a baby bump~hope you feel all better, very soon.
Hugs,
Maria

FEAS613 said...

Happy Birthday!!
One time when I was babysitting the day before my birthday the 9 year old girl asked how old I was going to be. After telling her 23 she said "Wow! That's old! Maybe you shouldn't have another birthday!" I responded with something along the lines of "You're only as old as you feel". At the time I felt as though I were repeating a line I had been spoonfed but now I'm 27, feel about 24 and that's evident by the long pause that follows the question "How old are you?".

And my absolute favorite quote ever about getting older from The Guardian (phenomenal movie with Ashton Kutcher & Kevin Costner - if you haven't seen it you should)
"I don't mind. I mean if my muscles ache, it's because I've used 'em. It's hard for me to walk up them steps now, its 'cuz I walked up 'em every night to lay next to a man who loved me. I got a few wrinkles here and there, but I've layed under thousands of skies with sunny days. I look and feel this way, well cuz I drank and I smoked. I lived and I loved, danced, sang, sweat and screwed my way thorough a pretty damn good life if you ask me. Getting old ain't bad Ben. Getting old, that's earned."

Jeff's comment was a tear jerker! Hope your migranes stop soon! In March you'll forget about those headaches the minute your eyes fall on that precious baby! Congrats again!
~Beth

cathy said...

happy, happy birthday & so glad you are feeling better...your husband is a keeper!

xoxo
cathy

Roksalanna said...

Happy Birthday Heidi!
Have a wonderful year and hope you feel better soon.

Anonymous said...

Forgot to add that the card from Beckham>> what a sweet sweet little man you have..

Rebecca said...

Very Happy Birthday Beautiful!!!! It will be an exciting year!!!!!!! xo :)

GraceesMommy said...

Happy. Happy. 35th you beautiful soul! I love the baby bump...made me smile. You know what else made smile..your husband's sweet words. He reminds me of my husband..and that is a good thing.
I totally agree with you about the freedom that comes with getting older..I have been getting to know the real me lately, nothing to prove, nothing to hide...I have found out I am pretty awesome..others around me may disagree but who the hell cares..eh?!
Take care of yourself you lovely mommy to be..you are so blessed!♥

Summit of Glory said...

Happy Birthday Heidi. Great reflection words. Hope that migraine goes away soon. Thanks for sharing. xo

Erica said...

My husband sounds a lot like your husband!! He is a huge sports fan, and coaches soccer. He had Mia (after Mia Hamm) and Landon (after Landon Donovan) picked out for names. He wanted Landon for a girl, reminds me more of a boy but I think I could get used to it. Anyways, we used neither!! We have two boys Jay and Ty. Best of luck, hope you are starting to feel better!

Heidi said...

love all the baby name ideas! thank you!

jeff, you know this already, but thank you for this comment. you made me cry like a baby, but would you expect anything less? ;) i love you.

thank you for the surprise baby! can't wait to do this with you again! xoxo

rhonda, happy birthday!

mrs mason, thank you!

sarah...hilarious!

joy, agreed!

colette-i am just over 16 weeks! due march 3rd!!!

shannon, thank you!

wish i could write to everyone, but guess who is getting sick, maybe the flu...just what i need.

thank you ladies, for the sweet words. xoxoxoxo

Sarah said...

Molly was due March 3rd and she was born March 2nd which I loved because it is Dr. Seuss's birthday and "Read to America Day." One day I'll have a big Seussical party.
I am so sorry you are getting sick:(

Tisha said...

happy birthday a bit late! baby bump is beautiful!

Jen Bacarella said...

Love you Heidi and I wish I was 35 again :-) You look amazing and beautiful and so excited for the new little one that is giving you all this drama.

For a boy...you can't lose with Champ Bailey and for a girl Mia (Hamm) or Gabrielle (Reece) two awesome women!

Amie said...

Happy birthday and thanks for sharing! Love your kiddies and that growing belly. Love your outlook on life, as well. xo