Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I Was A Bad Mama Today.

as i sit here at my overly large; therefore overly cluttered kitchen island, i know i should be doing something else. something more efficient. something that will make my week run smoother.  perhaps getting something done that i won't need to rush through at the eleventh hour on saturday; the day of my baby's birthday and blessing celebration. 

perhaps, i should be stringing butterflies on fishing line or preparing my artichoke dip, blowing up balloons. instead i sit here. my eyes are tired and stinging from the tears that flowed there a couple of hours ago. i sit propelled here by sadness and maybe a bit of desperation too. 

it's 4:50 pm. i look like death on a saltine cracker. i really do. lord knows that i promised myself pre-kid that i would never look like those moms that looked tired and only did their hair when they had special plans to go out but you know what, it happens that sometime the only thing i can manage to do with myself is shower and brush my teeth. with a wish and prayer, i head out the door hoping i run into nobody i know.

let me prove it to you with a picture because us photographers like to post pictures and i just happen to be in front of my computer which had been opened to Mac's Photobooth by one of the monkeys. i'll do a selfie when i figure out how to do it. one minute...


this is how i feel. please don't feel sorry for me. this is just motherhood on a bad day and i know you've been there. i would post more, but i don't want to scare anyone. 

i feel the urgency to inform you that i did indeed have makeup on earlier, but 
like magic...it's disappeared. 

friends, today was a really hard day and i'm posting here because i haven't shared enough lately and sometimes i need to. 

one of my littles whom i adore so, so much. whom i love with all of my heart...well, this little one challenges me. every single day. every. single. day. 

every.
single. 
day.
over and over again. 

mamas, i'm so tired.

one of my littles  had some emotional outbursts today that left me feeling helpless and in tears and standing in the middle of the room looking around for someone to come and save me. i stood there a while and waited. nope. i was on my own and desperately needing some help. 

SuperNanny never appeared and i felt hopeless at getting things calmed down, so 
i called my hubby, he was at a meeting and couldn't help. you know it's bad when i make the call to daddy for backup. he did suggest i take his parents up on their offer of taking the kids for the day. lord knows i LOVE my in-laws. like, love. BUT nothing would make me feel more like a failure than having to hand off my crazed kids to somebody else when i should be able to do this...with flair. 

it didn't help that when the shit was hitting the fan, i made it worse by adding fuel to the fire. oh, it was horrible. 

today, ivy wanted a string of plush birds that peyton had hanging in her room. ivy was playing with them when i entered the room. big sister no longer wanted to share the birds for no particular reason and that pissed ivy off to no end. after pleading that she please let ivy play with the birds all i heard was a loud, "NO!" 

sharing is hard for this one, so i grabbed the birds and informed her that she would get them back after her room was clean. i even said we could rearrange her room and set up an art desk near her window. incentive as i had been pleading with her to clean her floor since after breakfast yesterday.

she started yelling at me about the birds.  ivy jumped because she was scared and i'm sorry folks, this is where it gets ugly. 

i grabbed the string of birds pulled them into two parts and gave them back to her. 

"here, have your birds." and i walked out of the room. the truest sense of the phrase walk of shame played over in my head.

i don't know why i did it. i think the stress of the midmorning defiance was more than i could take and that was it. 

not a stellar parenting moment. i was so ashamed. i am so ashamed. what happened to me? i lost my mind. i couldn't believe i did that. 

"YOU MURDERED MY BIRDS! MOMMY, YOU MURDERED MY BIRDS. THEY WERE SO SPECIAL TO ME."

i had one kid screaming and throwing clean laundry around the house to get back at me, one kid wearing a sad face because it was too noisy and was sad that i was so angry at the other one and vice versa, and the baby was following me around the house crying because she wanted those damn birds on a string. 

today started as a great day. we walked around the neighborhood and looked for singing birds in trees. we discovered a new path in our new hood. i promised homemade chocolate chip cookies after lunch. today was good. today was a spring break 2013 memory in the making.

how did it evolve into this? i needed my super mommy flag to fly today. i needed to see it sailing behind me...high and proud. i needed to know that what i was doing was the right way, or better yet, the perfect teachable moment that she would remember forever. i live in fairytale land like that. 

today, my little one defied me over and over again and then with one sentence, a few words that probably meant pennies to the one speaking them, my confidence was shattered after i begged for an answer. "why are you behaving this way? what is going on inside of you that is making you act so mean towards mommy?" as i heard the words coming out of my mouth, i knew i worded the question wrong. 

shit. i'm messing her up. my words are hurting her. 

well, the damage was done. i waited for an answer:

with tears in both of our eyes, the response was clear.
"it's you. i don't like the part of you that is in me!"

that small sentence couldn't have hurt me more than if a lion had suddenly appeared in my daughters pink, messy room and tore both of my arms off with its teeth. 

my own heartbreak heaved in my chest and i couldn't look away from my little. i tried to read the brown eyes in front of me and sure enough what i feared i would see, i did. she meant it. in her way and in that moment...she meant it. 

mentally, i quickly tallied up how many i love you's i deliberately say to each of my kids each day. i quickly assessed my true feelings for each of them. i want more for them than for myself. i would walk across coals for them. give my life for them. 

i really do love them more than anything else in the world, right?

why am i questioning myself what i already know the answers to? do all moms doubt themselves like this? 

after i assured myself that i was doing the best i could do, i held my shaky ground and asked my child to clean up her floor and i said that she wasn't leaving the room until her floor was clean. when her floor was clean, we would go back to World Market and get another sting of birds to hang in her room. i reasoned that now she had crafting birds to use in her art projects. i said i was very, very sorry that i had made that mistake, but that she needed to pull herself together and get her room in order and speak in a respectful way. 

my phone had been ringing off and on for over an hour and when i got up to leave the room, i decided i would take the call so i could pretend my mom strength hadn't been broken. 

however, when i heard kell's cheerful voice on the other end, i immediately broke down into a hundred tears. i ran to my room, shut the door and let the tears flow. 

"my day was so good earlier and now it's turning to shit!" 

she heard peyton yelling some things in the background and she asked me what was going on. i needed advice so i told her an edited version of the story. she listened. and when i cried louder she did what any amazing friend would do, she said i was doing a good job and that sometimes kids can be difficult. it's okay. it was just a bad afternoon. 

i debated on telling her the whole truth. i was so ashamed that i had 'murdered' peyton's birds-on-a-string. but i needed to get it out. let it free. it was eating me up. 

i interrupted something she said because i needed to quickly say what i needed to say before i lost my nerve,

"kelle! i murdered peyton's birds-on-a-string! i did. she pissed me off and i guess i decided to break the sting in half and then all the beads dramatically fell to the floor as i handed them back to her and said, 'here, take your birds!'"

silence. lots of it. 

still silence.

finally, i heard sounds. not words, but sounds...
and then, in tandem and out of love and understanding for this thing called motherhood and perhaps for the obvious revelation of my bad mommy behavior, we started laughing. we began laughing so hard we couldn't speak for a full minute or two.

when my crying was replaced with fits of loud laughter, i knew what i had done wasn't so bad. i mean, i wouldn't do it again, but i knew my truth was out there and it felt good to share. 

when we were able to compose ourselves, we started sharing bad mama moments with each other. mostly, they were stories that we already knew about each other but it felt good say them again.

remember when, the kids were screaming and we couldn't figure out why and then we remembered that we skipped dinner; remember when i pushed becks off of the bed when he was 7 days old; remember... 

it was funny. it helped. it felt good. i think all mommies should do it more. 

"you...oh my, you...killed her string of birds?!"

"well, yes i did. i was a bad mommy today."

my girl just finished cleaning her room. it took about 48 hours to complete the task, but you know what...the pride on her face when she called me in brought happy tears to my eyes. and when she hugged me and said she loved me...well, i already knew that but i'm happy to hear it a million more times. 

my poor use of time hasn't been that at all. 

thanks for listening to me, xoxo



109 comments:

wonderchris said...

You are such a beautiful mommy. Human and beautiful. :)

Ingrid said...

Almost as bad as the time that after a week of fighting me over homework, I took the tv out of my son's room and threw it out the back door. We all have those moments Heidi. Each and every one of us. You are a great mama. Don't forget it.

MamaBella said...

I'm so glad you posted that! We all have moments/afternoons/days like that and if anyone says otherwise they're lying :) You're doing a great job.

The Mahlke Chronicles said...

Thanks for this post, Heidi! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! There are some nights I cannot shut my mind off as I lie in bed willing myself the forgiveness I need to make sleep necessary. Mommy guilt is the worst, and I think we all harbor enough of it for lifetimes. We've all been in your shoes and we can all relate to your bad day. It's refreshing to hear others confess to these feelings. I cannot thank you enough for sharing this. Tears spilled out of my eyes as I read this. We are not perfect, but we're the best we can be.

Heidi said...

ingrid, oh my gosh...you have me laughing! thank you for that. it reminds me of the time i threw my scale out onto my front lawn because it didn't show enough pounds lost. xoxo

wonderchris, mamabelle, mahlke...your stories make me feel even better. thank you!

Shannen said...

I'm sorry today happened. Tomorrow will be better. An if it isn't, the next day will be.

My 6 year old is going through a disappointed in everyone/"it's not fair!" stage and it is driving me nuts. Some days I'm cool as a cucumber, some days I'm not. But all days I love my little ones more than anything and I have to trust that they would never doubt that.

Thank you for sharing. I wish as mamas that we could read stories like this more often to remind us of how human we all are. xoxo

Anonymous said...

Hi Heidi,

I follow your feed on instagram...was having such a terrible day, followed through to your post and just feel so...thankful. For the honesty, for being reminded that we're all doing the best we can do among the mistakes and bad days. Thank you so much for posting this.

Shelly

Rhonda said...

I had the same day as you yesterday....an hour after my sweet darling Adrienne told me I was the most beautiful Mommy in the world a disagreement occurred she looked deep into my eyes and said, Remember when I told you, that you were beautiful, well I take that back, You're actually hideous!!! I was dumbfounded.
Little girls have all these dramatic hormones inside of them that comes spewing out. I have made her pinky promise that she will never act this way when she is 14, and that she promises to love me forever!!
I can only be thankful that the love overshadows the drama, and that it leaves as quickly as it comes!
You are a wonderful Mom and your children are blessed to have you in there lives. Noone said we have to be perfect, and there will be mistakes, just keep on loving and doing what you know best.
There will be bad days, but so many better days to celebrate.
XO
R

Kelly said...

Heidi! I was laughing and crying all through reading this...saying, "oh no, you didn't!" and "she did!" because I've been there....a bad mama, too, with my kids. But what's even funnier, is that after I read this I read Kelle's newest post, and within her posting she said: "B. Kill Five Birds with One Stone. (Except we don't kill birds. Because that would be inhumane.)" Think she was referring to you here? ;) haha Then I laughed a little louder and decided I had to comment here. We were the perfect parent before we had kids, right?! :) I love that our kids challenge us to be the best, but sometimes it is so hard and so often! We keep growing with them, hoping they'll soon forget our sporadic outbursts of craziness and remember the loving, fun times.

kbeard said...

Thank you so much for sharing this story..seems to be par for the course lately with a 14 year old daughter and the guilt eats me sometimes.. not too long ago I swiped everything off her dresser in a fit of anger with her and have heard her tell me Im her problem more often than I can count.. it breaks my heart. but we move on and have good days too... its just nice to know we aren't alone..

Elya said...

Omg thank you so much for this!!
I took my ten year old and five month old along
with my husband
to the aquarium today. I made their favorite
Breakfast and the day started beautifully.
I have no idea what happened or why. Everything
went to shit. At one point my ten year old said "This
was supposed to be fun and now everyone is mad"
I felt completely stressed and so tired. I just want a beer.
My confidence was shot and left me feeling like I couldn't
do this. It's amazing knowing I'm not the only one..I sat
here in tears reading this. Thank you so much for
opening up and being honest. I needed this more
than you'll ever know XOXO

Melissa said...

I am co-facilitating a postpartum support group and today we talked a lot about mama guilt. How pervasive it is in our culture, and what a deep, dark, unproductive dead end! A mama asked us, the facilitators, how we personally deal with mama guilt, and it was good to share about humanity and being present and (my favorite) repair. We are just human and there is so much pressure to "do" motherhood a certain way. It's so important to be honest--so many people will feel supported by your post! Thanks for sharing--it's beautifully written!

annb72 said...

oh Heidi, this is by far, the most real and beautiful post I've read!! Thank-you for your honesty...and your sweet, open and loving heart! As MamaBella said...we have all had these moments and days...and sharing them with others like this...brings us all together and lifts us all up. Motherhood is so hard...and also the most rewarding job we will ever have...Thank you for helping me to forgive myself for my MANY "bad Mommy moments" <3

Melissa :) said...

Would you like me to tell you about the day I made my 8 year old watch as my husband loaded his bike into my SUV, I drove to Goodwill, & I made him (8 year old) get out & watch the volunteers remove his bike from my car? And then we drove away. Mama's the boss, what mama says goes. The love doesn't change. But he still has no bike, 3 months later. :)

Danielle said...

Glad there are moms out there who can be downright honest. Because if I'm being honest? There are many days where I want to murder my kids' "stings of birds." And then run away. :) You're a great mama. Being a mom is no easy task. I find it easier to go to work. ;)

Andreza Novaes said...

Heidi, i'm not a mama yet but I do read your blog. and I can tell you're such a incredible mommy to them. we all lose it sometimes. it's natural, it's human. and your kids are sure that you love them and that you do everything you can with everything you've got. dont foreget that.
xoxo
love and blessings from Brazil.

Little for a Little While said...

Thank you for your raw honesty and truth. Girls are hard. I have a two week old baby and am really struggling with my for year old daughter. Your day today sounds like my every day as of late. Its so so so hard, but reassuring to know I'm not the only one who struggles from time to time. Sending you lots of hugs.

Jorie said...

Yes, we all doubt ourselves! I doubt myself at least once every. single. day. I walk away from an argument ashamed of how I reacted to them and how I know I just added fuel to the fire. I'm working on that...I feel like as mamas we are always working on "that". Keep on keepin' on mama cause you are a good mama!

Kacey Haffner-Bruce said...

Thank you for sharing! I needed this today. Crazy mama moments all day in this house. And my children's balloon animal almost got the brunt of it. Keep writing :)

Kacey Haffner-Bruce said...

Thank you for sharing! I needed this today. Crazy mama moments all day in this house. And my children's balloon animal almost got the brunt of it. Keep writing :)

Sally @ Us+House=Home said...

Heidi, your honesty is beautiful. I'm currently reading Brene Brown's 'The Gifts of Imperfection', and have just finished the chapter on courage - specifically, the courage it takes to be imperfect, and all of the gifts that come if we are willing to be so. You were courageous enough to share, Kelle was compassionate when confronted with your shame, and as a result we've all connected around a universal truth - that none of us are perfect, we're all human, we're all doing our best. What a brilliant gift, and what a beautiful person you are. xx

Anonymous said...

It happens to the best of us. We teach our kids grace and forgiveness when we hurt them. That lessons is priceless. Grace isn't something you earn, but give unconditionally to people... Especially the ones we love the most. Apologizing was I'm sure humbling ( I've been there a few times, or more). But what a great example of asking for forgiveness and still keeping the situation under control, by having her clean her room. No doubt she will make mistakes as a mommy, and she will need to apologize too! Tough day, great ending.

Vicki

mj said...

You are one amazing mama! Thanks for the real post, we all have days like that, the amazing thing is that you become an even better mama and your daughter will never remember anything negative from today. I am so glad that you have a BFF that u can talk to at times like this, all mamas need a support group like that! Hopefully tomorrow will a much better day for you.

Teresa said...

Story cracked me up! Seriously that is some funny #@%!
We have all had those moments, and they seem terrible at the time but make for some great memories later. Really they do.
Sometimes I think that messing up is the best way to show our kids that we are human. That sometimes everyone makes a wrong choice but we say we are sorry and we move on.
Hugs to you mama.
Tomorrow is another day.

Nicolette Gawthrop said...

this is great. I believe every mother loses their shit. I just know deep down that this gig is hard for everyone who accepts the mission. it seems like mothering is hard in half hour segments. and days are so delicate, especially were blood sugar drops are involved!!!
I think the time you spent getting this out was Beyond well spent! thanks for sharing!

Dede Zimmermann said...

Heidi, It's me, your Ivy obsessed IG and Vine follower. YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MOMMY!! What you went through today was just one of "those" days. Every mom (and in my case "Uma") has them. If they tell you they don't, they are lying!

The strong willed, super smart, little girl are the hardest. They are sensitive, sweet and then with the flip of a coin, well....they're just no longer sensitive and sweet!

Your Payton sounds exactly like my niece, Shay. Shay is now 26 years-old and super blessed to be 26 years-old. I had a love/hate thing with her which is unimaginable given I am the all-time best former babysitter..EVER! No one could get to me like my girl, Shay. There are unique circumstances in my family (which I can explain later) so I was a large part of helping to raise her. On top of that, she and her little brothers grew up just a house away.

I always say, had I known then what I know now, I might have been able to tolerate her not so sensitive and sweet side ;) Shay is now living in California, a college grad, making a large amount of money and could easily run the country! Her type A, strong will has paid off, she is a loving, sensitive, smart and successful young woman who can hold her own like nobody's business. These tough days with Payton will pay off when she's all grown up, I promise!!

Payton has had a lot of change in the past year. A big move and a new little sister. Her testing you sounds exactly like what Shay did with all of us when her twin brothers were born. This went on for a while so stay strong! These little girls don't often adapt to change like we thing they are. I could be wrong since I don't know Payton.

Now as far as you go, and from not knowing you personally, your IG and blog photos tell a story of a wonderful, beautiful and loving mother. Those babies of yours are blessed!!

Sending you hugs from Omaha!!

Dede

Angelica said...

We have those days alot around here with my challenging 8 year old. Sometimes I find humor in those moments and laugh because I don't know what else to do. One time I was so upset with him I told him, "I AM SO TIRED OF YOUR BEHAVIOR! THE NEXT TIME YOU ACT LIKE THIS I AM GOING TO..I'M GOING TO..UM..ummm..I'm going to..OH, I'll tell you later" He's there looking at me, wondering what I was going to say next. Honestly, I didn't know what the hell I was going to do! I turned and walked away. For some reason that diffused the moment. I turned around trying to hold in my laugh.

Jannice said...

Have to say this brought tears to my eyes. Not because you were a "bad mommy", but because I, we all have those same days sometimes and beat ourselves up thinking it never happens to anyone else. I swear, sometimes I look at other moms and wonder what they would sound like if they ever got mad. I can't believe they have it in them, but they do! We all do! I hate those days! Nothing worse than feeling like you messed up your kids! Like they'll only remember those moments! But the craziest is if my husband gets upset with them after he hasn't seen them all day...then I jump all over him like, "whoa, you haven't been around them enough today to get mad...". Now I hope I don't sound crazy! :)
Anyway, tomorrow is a new beginning!

Angelica said...

Oh, and thank you for your honesty. At times a momma can feel so alone when she has days like that. I like to read real life mommy moments.

Angie said...

Oh Heidi! This is so refreshing to read! It's hard reading blog after blog of how every other mom out there has their act together except me!! We have all been there, that's for sure. This reminds me of the time I threw my oldest's toothbrush across the room because he wouldn't open his mouth and let me scrub those pesky back teeth. I think it went something like, "fine, if you aren't going to brush your teeth then that's your choice. You'll be the only second grader with no teeth at all!!" What was that?!?! Just thought I'd share one of my stories from the Not So Great Mommy Moments file. And isn't that how it always works...the day starts fabulously and can go all to heck in two seconds flat.

Thanks for sharing your story today. You certainly didn't have to. I'm sure you've had about a bazillion other stellar mothering moments you easily could've shared instead. Moments that would have your readers wondering how you do it all. You're an awesome mama, Heidi. Don't doubt it for a second :)

XOXO,
Angie

Anonymous said...

Beautiful, honest, and amazing. We've all been there. *brooke*

figwittage said...

I love the honesty. I can totally picture myself down the road murdering birds on a string too... I usually have to count to 3 in my head to cool down. I only have a 2.5 year old.

Today started out great. Took my kid to Monkey Joe's with a mama friend and her two kiddos. It was past his nap time and he fell asleep on the way home. No biggie. After I put him in my bed, he of course woke up (he's been a shitty sleeper since day 1) and started to fuss. I was so mad. I yelled. A lot. At my TWO year old. I told him to go to sleep and finally I put him in his crib where he just wailed and wailed and wailed.

After 10 minutes (I wanted to nap too) I picked him up, nursed him on my bed and we were out like a light. I ask myself why he makes it so difficult for himself, but for crying out loud... he's two. And whilst I think he knows better sometimes... sometimes they just that little extra lovin'. I felt bad that I yelled, really yelled. His brown eyes do melt me (but he can be so, so naughty.) xx

Anonymous said...

I love that you are keeping it real! I can soooo relate to this post!!

AmberS said...

Thank you for this post. I have been a reader of Kell's for a few years and just came upon your blog because of instagram. I have always thought the two of you were amazing mama's and look up to you two. Thank you for seeming more real and thank you for showing you aren't perfect, but you are still an amazing mama.

Katherine said...

I so needed this today!! I’m not even a mom, but I am a nanny for a 4-year old. And I lost my cool today and felt like shit.
I picked him up from preschool this morning and I could tell he was tired. I asked what he had for a snack at school and he said, “I don’t know”. He often says, “I don’t know” so that he doesn’t have to give an answer. “What did you do at school?” He frequently replies, “I don’t know.”
So I fake-cheerfully replied, “well think about it and let me know. We can wait here until you remember.” I was annoyed with his response because he DOES know.
We sat in the car for five minutes and he told me he still didn’t know.
It became a power struggle because I made it that way. I wanted an answer and he stubbornly refused to give it to me.
On the drive home he was fighting back tears and yelling that he felt frustrated and mad at me. (He is so awesome…what 4-year old articulates this?) I told him I was frustrated too, because I just wanted him to answer me.
WHY couldn’t I just get over it? If he didn’t feel like sharing what he ate, why did it matter? I knew I was acting irrational, but I couldn’t stop!
I ended up pulling the car over into a parking lot, so we could hug. I said I thought we both needed a hug in order to “start over” and feel better. I told him it didn’t matter what he ate for a snack, and I was sorry I asked so many times.
But on the ride home I continued to ask if he remembered what he ate. I told him I wanted to know so I didn’t serve him the same thing for lunch- total BS.
UGH WHY COULDN'T I GET OVER IT?

Later he casually mentioned that he had crackers for a snack.

I felt so crappy the rest of the day, and acted extra cheerful and patient to “make up” for my stupid actions earlier in the day. I was tired and frustrated and took it out on this poor sweet boy!

I knew at the time that it was so stupid, and I feel even more silly now, but I needed to vent!

Goldilocks27 said...

Oh hugs mama! Not a day goes by that I don't pray for strength or patience to help me deal with my very "determined" 18 month old. But as much as he drives me nuts, I absolutely adore him & would without a doubt walk through fire for him. We have all been there! Xox

Heidi said...

Oh my goodness - my relationship with my son is very much like that, and it is...so...HARD! I love him so much it hurts, and I believe love covers a multitude of "mommy sins," but some days love just doesn't feel like enough! I don't have any good words of comfort or advice right now - just hope the sense of community in knowing you're not alone is encouraging!

Mandy said...

thank you for posting this...just THANK YOU!

Rosa said...

Ugh Heidi!!! I totally get this and have been there soo many times. That instance when your nerves are shot and you lose your patience (and yes, i can start yelling like a freak) and then feel sooo guilty afterwards! You are an amazing mamma! And tommorow is a new day :)

Rosa said...

BTW, your attempted sock bun, not bad, not bad ;)

Kelly said...

This post..omg..this post. It is the truth. It is real and honest and emotional. Thank you, Heidi. Thank you. I have felt like this so many times..and I've been ashamed b/c I thought it was just me who had these kinds of thoughts. I love my children more than life itself...but I too have had these days. Thank you so much for sharing!

Lisa said...

I needed to read this today, needed to read that I'm not alone. Thank you so much for you're vulnerability. All us mommy's totally get it. Blessings-xoxo

CarrieSnaps said...

Good moms are human first. Thank you for your honesty. We have all been there, and while we feel terrible about it, we learn from it. You went a step further and shared it, and in doing so, you probably made some struggling moms feel less alone in the daily challenges (as well as joys)of having children.

Sian said...

Oh mamma let me give you a big internet *hug* I have so been there. You know you are a great mom and that you love them more than anything but it is just the hardest job in the world sometimes huh?

I read on someone's blog recently (I forget where) the sentence that went something along the lines of 'I love my kids to the end of the earth, you try to hurt my kids and ill cut you! But sometimes you know, I just need to be nowhere near them' Or something like that...

I remember thinking that's so true! I also think that it teaches something important when we as parents say sorry from time to time. You know 'I'm sorry I screamed at you but mommy was feeling really angry and sad that you were being so rude'... It teaches them to empathize and treats them with respect. I think it teaches them to say sorry too.

Love u mamma
xxxxxxxxxxxx

Lynn S said...

Thank you for posting this. I sometimes feel like I am the only mom who has those bad days or loses it. My daughter says things on purpose to hurt me and sometimes it is too much and before I know it tears are streaming down my face, but I know she loves me. It's this mother daughter thing and the hormones!!! Ugh! Hang in there Heidi and so glad you have a friend in kelle to share these moments with and relive them for laughs! Thanks for sharing!!

Amy said...

Thank you so much mama! Funny that i come to your blog for inspiration, and today received some much needed therapy.I Soooo relate to this situation... And truth be told, as much as I wanted my third, it's HARD! (And he's only 7 mths). Truth be told, it would have been hard with one. We don't have spring break yet, and I have already pulled the Santa card! Please tell me you will still be here when they are all teenagers (my oldest is 9). I know I am going to need it. You are a fantastically honest mom, and a great one at that.
Fourmenandalady

Marli said...

Every. Single. Day.
This got my attention! I have a 14 year old girl, who is like me in so many ways. It is has been challenging since she was a toddler. One day at a time. Do the best you can do. It is harder for some of us than others, but we are still mothers and protectors and teachers to our daughters.
Good luck when puberty hits ;) You may want to have some wine handy...

~Marli

kara78 said...

THANK YOU for this post that seriously could NOT have come at a better time!! Having the worst week and I SO needed to hear this. It made me laugh and it made me feel a little more normal, all good things, ha! Thanks!

Kara Brown

nf said...

It's funny how these posts always get the mist response... Like the post I wrote about making my daughter walk in the snow in her sock feet screaming all the way to the vehicle. The hardest part is that they get over it way quicker than we do, bur know that the fact you are reflecting and thinking and worrying about it tells that you are in fact a very good mommy, because you care and because you love them so much it hurts. Take care xx

Victoria M said...

Thank you for posting this! It echoed my day, almost to the T! My 2-year old challenges me daily and it takes everything I have to remain calm. I made the desperation call for help to my hubby who referred me to his mother for back-up...grrr! And if it makes you feel any better, many days I don't even get a shower in! I always ask myself, What am I missing here? As I too, promised myself that I wouldn't allow myself to look as tired as I feel. You're not alone and I thank you for sharing as it does help me feel better about the day we had!

Maddydog said...

Your pictures and stories inspire me to be a better wife and mother. Thank you.

Kathleen said...

We have all been there. I can't tell you how many annoying toys I've tossed into the garbage instead of easily fixing them, or how many toys go "missing" into that very same garbage pail after the kids go to sleep.

LW said...

Love the honesty. These days are certainly part of motherhood, and it would serve us all well if we shared them more often. Parenting is certainly not rainbows and roses everyday.

Thank you for sharing!

Katie said...

Thank you so much for this post! It's been a bad WEEK at my house. So refreshing to read other stories just like my life. My oldest Madelyn (almost 6 yrs) reminds me a lot of Peyton. You are a beautiful mommy. I'm an Instagram follower and you have the cutest family. Hugs and love to you mama.

LW said...

Oh, also, Nici recommended a book recently, "Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids". I'm reading it and it's really really good. It's helping me with those "I either break something or slam you into a wall" moments lol

Jen said...

This is one of the best blog posts I've read in awhile. Real life. Honesty. It's what really connects us. Thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this Heidi! And you are not alone and most certainly a bad momma. We all have our moments and hope no one remembers them in end.
Its kinda been that week at our house too. My daughter weaseled her way into a bundle of balloons at the store the other day and then pitched a royal, mother of all fits when they were flapping around in the car with the sunroof open. She would not stop the whining... so I did what any rational person does and rummaged a pen out of the center console and popped every one of those bad boys and said "bye bye balloons" as I did. Holy tears that followed... crying herself into a much overdue nap. When she woke up the world was as it should be again.
Really appreciate the honesty... its easy to think that you and Kelle always have it all together, bundled neatly with this beautifully tied ribbon. And it's rainbows and Florida sunshine all the time. The real and sometimes ugly moments are nice to hear about too. :)
xoxo
Heather

Anonymous said...

Mama sisterhood in full force here! At times, being a mama can seem like the loneliest, most difficult job around. But times like that are more than out-shined by the many, many moments of love and laughter shared between you and your kiddos. Those are what stick!! Thanks for sharing this story. We all can relate...

blissmamaof3 said...

Oh sweetie, I wish I could make you a latte, hand you a scone and give you a hug right now. You are brave enough to write the things that we all feel and do from time to time on this motherhood journey, We know we are lucky to be mothers at home with our children but it is sooo hard, so very hard. Children that repeated challenge us are particularly difficult, I know whereof I speak. Bless you for saying these things and sharing. Hope today is better. I've found myself sitting at that cluttered island with a long to do list and not getting much done either. Congratulations you are normal :)

Cristin said...

Awwww! This touched my heart and made me laugh! I'm not a mom yet, but I could so see me in this perdicament some day. We are all human, all have flaws, all doing the best we can. Thanks for sharing!!!

Sarah said...

My daughter is only three years old and already some days are such a struggle! I can completely relate to this, the frustration, the guilt, the worry, the exhaustion. Man those days/moments are HARD! Thank you for sharing your story and being so honest.

Jessica Reb said...

thank you for this - i had a bad mommy day this past sunday and i am not proud of it, but reading this post made me feel less awful. i have 3 littles and my oldest two are 5 y/o twin boys and if they're not fighting w/ each other they are challenging me all. day. long. so i feel you.

thanks again for the share!

Andrea said...

oh, oh, oh... now I'm remembering that time I had HAD it with my 7-year-old son, and I threw his Spiderman action figure out of the car window. On the freeway. Afterwards all I kept thinking was "The therapy bills are going to BREAK me someday. I'll probably have to get a second job!" This post made me SMILE today. Thanks :)

Jacki said...

You're a human being, lady. You'd be miles ahead of any of the rest of us if this stuff didn't happen in your house and shake you up. It still sucks when it's happening of course... Kids were put on this earth to test us in ways like this. At least that's how it feels sometimes :)

Lee Ann said...

Oh Heidi. I cried through the whole thing, been there and felt that. Hugest of hugs, so glad you had a friend at the other end of the phone xxx

The Whirling Dirvish said...

Preach darlin! I think we all have those "bad mama" days (ehem weeks, months...) Murdered birds, flying TV's, kids in bushes (love Kelle too)- trust me darlin - you are far from alone. (BTW - I'm hiding in my bathroom so that I can get 5 minutes alone in order to pee, read a blog or two and attempt to remember when the last time I washed my hair or shaved my legs was...)

Anonymous said...

This was a great honest post. You will both be fine. This kind of post helps other moms far more than a rainbow and ribbons post. Keep up the honest work. Great job!

Anonymous said...

Jesus Joesph Mary..

1.) I love this post because it speaks high volumes for me.
2.) You just made a new follower. I sincerely hope for some real/raw post because there is connection.

Love it. Take care ♡

Sarah said...

heidi, I think you were a wonderful mother in this moment as well as all the other ones of beauty and patience and creativity. Children need to learn that there are consequences and that we are human and they make us mad. I'm proud of you.

Annette said...

Oh, Heidi, I am so sorry you had a bad day but I am really glad you posted this. There are days, I feel like the worst mother in the world. I too, have a child that loves to push every button I have. My first born is stubborn, mouthy, and a know it all... The older he gets the more battles we have. The guilt weighs heavy on me and I find myself always questioning if he really know I love him with all my heart. Just when I think all is lost, he will have an ah ha moment and he will say something that makes me know that he is listening and realizes the things I do are out of love and when he does get grounded, he usually deserved it. Those moments are few and far between but when they happen, my heart sings. He does know I love him. Parenting is the hardest thing we will ever do and unfortunately, we have to take the good with the bad. Hang in there! You are a great mom!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that's had days like these. Girlfriend, you're doing a good job. It's just our cute kids that love to push our buttons or we just loose it. I can't tell you how many times I've cried this week, because my little dude has challenged me. Keep doing what you're doing, we all have to have our bad moments to make us super mommies.

Fresh Mommy said...

This rings SO true to every mama!! We ALL are bad mamas somedays, or at least that's what we say... but I don't think that one day, or a few days spread throughout the year (or month) where we feel like we totally missed it makes us bad mamas... it just makes us mamas. Real people learning how to raise and educate and love and teach other little people how to live in this life. There is no rule book for us to go by and even if there were, we would all still have bad days full of emotions. I love the beautiful mama that you are!!! xoxo

~Tabitha

Cooking for My Kids said...

You are an amazing mama every single day, even on the hard ones. Learning from our bad moments is what makes us even better the next day..and the next...and the next. As moms, we cuddle, we play, we love, and we soothe. But, we also discipline, we learn, we get tired, and we tear up strings up birds sometimes. If we cannot have those moments to learn from, we would not appreciate the good days even more.

After reading this beautiful post, I kind of fell in love with you even more. Life is not perfect, and showing the one bad day mixed with so many of the lovely, beautiful ones, shows us all that there are sometimes storms, but a rainbow always follows.

Kelly said...

It's wonderful that you shared this. So many of us mamas feel inadequate/lacking patience/imperfect/not loving enough...so it's good to know that we're all in the same boat...doing our best. xo

Casey Jackson said...

Heidi I love this, and I love you and your blog! (and your instagram photos!) :) You are a great mama. I'm a Minneapolis stay at home mom and photographer that just started a blog too, about all of the joys and unpleasanthoods of parenting! :) So refreshing hearing your honesty...the world needs more of that to make us mamas feel normal. Here's my blog link...

http://mommyihaveoatmealinmyhair.blogspot.com/

I heart NY said...

Heidi, look at all of the mamas that just exhaled. You are a great mama, a great friend, and we all get it. thank you for sharing this with us; my son is 12 and honestly I think I yell & curse more than he does and I'm not proud of it. We also have moments where we say we love each other (thank God) and where we laugh like crazy. but you make it seem like we are in this togethere. thank you! Sarah in NYC

Greta S said...

You are a good mom Heidi. We are more alike than you know! Hang in there.

MsK1984 said...

Hi Heidi,

I am pregnant with my first and when I read what your daughter said to you I thought what the hell have I gotten myself into. Thank you for posting about real life....about what it really is like.....and even though I won't KNOW what it's like until he/she is born. I am confident I will be a good mother...even if I murder their birds.

MsK1984 said...

Hi Heidi,

I am pregnant with my first and when I read what your daughter said to you I thought what the hell have I gotten myself into. Thank you for posting about real life....about what it really is like.....and even though I won't KNOW what it's like until he/she is born. I am confident I will be a good mother...even if I murder their birds.

Kris said...

I'm sorry your sweet girl is testing you. It's such a hard job being a momma. And you are doing a great job regardless of your bad day. Here's my story...to give you a little giggle. We're at the Circus. The little man had been a bear all day. In line waiting for our 6 dollar bucket of popcorn, he was testing my patience baaaad. I paid for our popcorn and then proceeded to throw it into the nearest trash can on the way back to our seats. The look on his face.........oh Lord. The good thing is that it's been a few years and he tells me he doesn't even remember it. I guess I didn't traumatize him that badly. ;) I'm sure you and Peyton will have a good chuckle over the string of birds some day. xo Kris

Anonymous said...

It's not all about beautiful photos, right? Sometimes life is hard. But making everything perfect and being perfect, that would be an awfully hard role to fill for your daughter one day. Instead when she had a bad day, she'll remember when you had yours and she won't feel so alone.

JenfromMI said...

I may or may not have recently thrown a ham sandwich against the wal after being sick of the "I don't want to eat this" fight:). Crazy mamas we are. Crazy mamas who love the ones who drive us to it!!!

Anonymous said...

Heidi - thank you for being honest. Sometimes we see the lives of mamas on blogs and it is so easy to judge ourselves against the perfect beach sunsets, lovely craft projects, perfect family dinners and exciting outings pictured there.

Although we KNOW these are snapshots of family/mama life and not what every moment is like for those families, it is easy to get down on ourselves and say "I wish I was as good/funny/creative/happy/adventurous a Mama as SHE is!".

Thanks for keeping it real! As many other people have noted, it happens to all of us! Thanks for letting us share this moment with you...because we are here to support you!

You ARE a great Mama - even on a bad day. I think my biggest little and your biggest little are A LOT a like - I feel your pain in the hard/frustrating moments and rejoice in your love for her and who she is becoming!

Thanks again, and keep being real - it's how we love you the best!!

<3 Kathy

Mandi Wolfswinkel said...

Oh lady...if you could see me on any given morning before we load up and head to school. I'm a yeller. In fact, I'm a loose cannon really. I have a very hard time containing my emotions (good or bad) in a high stress situation. In fact one day a few years back, I was having a garage sale at my brother's house. A lady came over and we began chatting about what we do, where we live and such. She said, "Oh wait a minute. You live next to the open lot, right next to so and so. Oh sure! Now I know who you are. You're the yeller!" I was mortified, but hey. The truth hurts, and I have a little that tests my patience every single day as well. The fact that you were able to step back and laugh and remind yourself that you are indeed a good parent and sometimes we do stupid shit...is a feat in and of itself. Kids are resilient, and all your "I love you's" will far outweigh the days you lose your shit. Love reading the honesty. Thanks for sharing!

Mandi

Gemma said...

Thank you for posting this Heidi! Recently I have not been able to find the words to express how I feel. My 5 year old has been testing me in a way I was not expecting till the teen years. I have cried ugly tears locked in my bathroom, I have cried to my husband but it does not make it ok. It means a lot to read your words and know I am not alone, someone else gets it...you get it!
Thank you!

Nicole said...

I am a bad mommy quite a bit, too, so I appreciate the confession. Your blog is a nice offset to Kelle's, because she aims to be so consistently positive and yours is a little more anxious, which I like.

I have a DD who is 3, and very ADHD and also very willful. (But also smart and sometimes very sweet, too.) She both amazes us and really challenges us every single day. It's rare to have even a couple of hours these days when she is not in a time out or does not have a parent yelling at her. After 1.5 hours or more of trying to get her to bed, we sometimes resort to locking her in her bedroom. Yup. Lock her in.

Oh? And hating me. She told me she hates me just yesterday, and asks me to leave sometimes if she and Daddy are playing and I try to join in.

Being a mom is hard and kids sometimes just behave badly.

FWIW, I think it's okay to apologize when you lose it. Sometimes I tell her, "Mommy will apologize for yelling if you apologize for x." Sometimes we do joint time outs, as well. "You get a time out for y, and Daddy gets a time out for throwing your bear." And we literally head for our separate corners. She gets a kick out of that!

Thanks for the post.

Denise said...

Thanks for this post....I have a million "bad" mommy moments and it is nice to hear I am not alone.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing such honest words! It helps to hear other "bad mommy" stories because we have all been there!

picturingtheordinary said...

I've had moments like this too, and it is so heartbreaking to step back and watch yourself act like a crazy person. You're still an amazing and wonderful mom!

Anonymous said...

Wow, who are you and how did I find you? Doesn't matter... Thank you for being honest... Refreshing blog post that I completely identify with.

Erin Bettis said...

This made me cry. I've been there a million times and it feels good to read your truth, all raw and unedited. Thank you for sharing this moment.

- Erin

Heather said...

Heidi - I love reading what you write. Keep telling the good, bad and the ugly. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. Your 3 beautiful kiddos are blessed to have you as their mama! Heather

Maria said...

Thank you a hundred times over for taking the time to write that. Just like you, I have had some very unproud mommy-moments lately with my own little who tests, tests, tests me over and over again. I love him beyond anything - but yesteday found myself saying a similar "why are you acting like this?" line -- and just like you was saying STOP!!! in my mind. Tomorrow is another day. I know we can't be super moms every day. Again - thank you.

Anonymous said...

You know why I like reading your blog? Because you are totally real and arent afraid to show it. I've been there, sister!

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Oh, my gosh I so needed to read this! I appreciate your honesty so much! Tonight my 3 year old said, "Mamma, what does strangle mean?" You can only guess what I had probably just said to her after about 40 minutes of trying to get her into bed!

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The Wagner Family said...

Reading this months late but had to comment. I have a little who pushes the limits too. I can't count the nights I cried myself to sleep. Still working on the mommy guilt because we do the best we can do! in the end they will remember the love.

Rebecca MacIntosh said...

I can't even explain how normal this comment made me feel. My daughter destroyed something important and costly to me the other day so like a good mommy I took one of her princess dresses (granted it was already a shredded mess- but no excuse) and cut it up.
And then felt like poop. It happens and those who say it doesn't are living in a bubble with ear muffs on! haha!
xoxo

Anonymous said...

@Rebecca:you cut up one of your daughter's princess dresses as retaliation? Seriously, seek help You're freakin' insane!

Heidi Darwish said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

My friend calls those "psycho mom" moments. We've all had them! I just found your blog so I don't know what a "normal" day is like for you but if this is a constant issue you deal with you may want to check out the book "Unglued" by Lysa Terkeurst. Great help for getting those unglued moments under control.

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