saying goodbye to an angel, my grandma.

i just wrote a tribute about my grandma...i knew it would bring up a lot of emotion and so it was hard to do. i spent hours writing it and i hit publish and...

nothing. all of my words lost. the screen stared it's white face at me. i wanted to punch it. hard.

i began to cry. the song playing now, in the garden, a fave of gram's is looping over and over and self-pity starts to take over my tired body and i feel my shoulders fall. defeat was settling in. then, something happened. i thought of her. what would i do if she were in the room with me right now?

so, i began again except now, instead of sobbing... i began to laugh. the good, cleansing kind. she would want me to.

if my gram were with me in this room right now, she would look at me and say something like, "oh, shit!" and then burst into hysterics. she would. and i would laugh right along with her and then start over again but not before eating a tomato sandwich on toasted bread with a dash of salt. she would insist on extra butter and a scoop of ice cream for dessert. she would feed her dog something from her plate and just laugh at something on tv. if the Love Connection were still being aired, it would be that she would be laughing at.

the last few weeks, in between little stretches of sleep, i have been writing about the day i pushed new life into this world and celebrating our new baby girl, ivy. i was forced to switch gears and observe a different kind of life event. just as important as birth, but not as happy or fun an occasion.

two nights ago, my dear, dear beautiful grandmother died.

we knew it was coming, but i still wasn't prepared. she lived months longer than expected and i kept thinking that maybe they were wrong. maybe she would live longer. maybe she was an exception.

she's gone. i am so sad.

i am feeling desperate to talk to her just one more time...to tell her i love her. to hold her hand just one more time.

do you want me to bring you over some plums? where do you want to today? anywhere you want. the casino? mars? venus? you name it. i'll take you there.

it's not fair and yet it is because losing grandparents is a normal occurrence, but i'm missing her so much. i want her here with me or a phone call away. i don't want to fly into detroit knowing that i won't be seeing her the next day. i. want. her. back.

only a month ago, i sat on my hospital bed as i dialed her number, "it's a girl, grandma! it's a girl."

she cooed over the line in her most sweet and soft voice, "awwwww. it is. it's a girl! what's her name?" i could hear the smile in her voice and i was so grateful for the moment. "promise me that you will bring her here to see me. promise."

"I promise, grandma. I'll be there for sure."

we celebrated the little girl that surprised us with her life...surely, ivy will meet her great-grandmother. everything was perfect. i knew that when ivy was a month old, i would take a solo trip to see my gram. maybe ivy's youth and love could heal her in some way. irrational? maybe but i was holding onto that. why not hope? i love to hope.

the night before she died, jeff reserved me a ticket. one night. we were so close and my heart is broken. she wanted to meet ivy and she never will and the finality of that is...sad. so sad.

my uncle called me two mornings ago, all i heard was sobbing. "she's gone, heidi. she's gone."

it took my breath away. i would never get to speak to her again. hear her say, "hi, heidi" when i called her. it was over. everything seemed quieter to me after that or maybe the grief grew louder. it's as if things were moving in slow motion. death is bizarre like that, i think.

he asked me to make calls for him.

so, i made myself snap out of the fog long enough to listen to direction. that morning, i slowly called my mom to tell her that her mother was gone. i could tell that my phone call had woken her, but i was crying and i knew that i had to tell her quickly.

after i said the words, i listened as my mom tried to process what i just said. i heartbreakingly listened to her ask me question after question. questions, i couldn't answer.

sadness swept over me as i heard her try to accept that i was speaking of her mother. i had to repeat myself four times before she grew completely silent. my mom shares my gram's heart. she is unassuming and sweet and her soft early morning voice sounded desperate.

i knew that she would then have to call her own siblings and share with them the news. i wanted to take her pain away.

in a weird way, that phone call was sacred. i'll never forget it and i'll always be proud of my mom for that day. torn between grieving for her mother and protecting her own me.

death is so weird but the value of it is in the perspective one gains from it, i guess.

life is precious and the death of a loved one reminds us of that.

it should remind us to ignore the small stuff and focus on the big, important things like love, happiness, and laughter.

it reminds me that life, each and everyday is a gift...a gift to be respected and cared for. it's worth it to make an effort to live each day doing something we love to be doing. something small or something big, but something.

we should tell the people we love...we love them.

why do so many wait? call someone you love and say it...I LOVE YOU.

we should call our parents, grandparents, friends and offer to be there for when they need us even if they already know that we are there. remind the people that we love and care about, i'm here for you. i care about you. i think about you.

colleen mae irvine.

an amazing and unassuming woman.

she had four kids and a bunch of grand kids that loved her dearly.

the woman who helped me develop, at an early age, a love for soup in a coffee cup and mustard and cheese sandwiches.

i grew out of those things, but ill never forget the effort she put into making sleepovers at her house special.

her sometimes inappropriate and blunt sense of humor made her one of the funniest people i have ever known. seriously, the woman was witty. she didn't know how funny she was or how FUN she was to be around. there was not one moment that i spent with her that i did not enjoy. i mean that so genuinely. not one moment lost.

she was sensitive and passed down her talent for crying at movies and commercials at the drop of a dime to the rest of the girls in the family. and the movie, Imitation of Life...her fave. she always told us about how the end of that movie made her sob like a baby...and i can attest to that. we've watched it together several times just to torture ourselves.

she adored animals and she liked chocolate and all fruit and could often be found skipping meals to indulge in those things. she never left the house without her lipstick and she always smelled like estee lauder perfume and ponds cold cream.

she's always been there for us...for me. from first love to first heartache. new babies and getting old. there has never been one moment in my life that i havent felt that i couldn't talk to her about sanyting. it didn't matter. i could say what i wanted and her gift to me several times has been making me feel like everything is going to be okay.

there is not much more valuable than that, peace of mind, to a scared teenage or new wife, or new mom. she was there for all of it. if i came to her with an issue, she had a knack for saying something simple, but true and then throwing in a joke and a laugh for good measure.

that was all she would do, and i would feel better. she made anything less of a big deal. after speaking to her, i knew all would be okay. i just knew. if gram was laughing about it or blowing it off...it was okay.

she was unconditional. unconditional.

my last baby will never meet one of the most important women in my life, but she will know that grandma loved her so much anyway.

gram felt the baby mover here.

i will tell her that grandma and i celebrated her and that gram really wanted me to have a girl;)

ill show her this photo, that a week before she died, gram did get to 'meet' her. (via instagram)

i will never let my babies forget their great-grandma's loving heart.

they will learn unconditional love because of the way she loved me...all of us.

as i sit here writing these words and digging up photos, i'm overwhelmed by both sadness and gratitude.

i am so grateful that i had this woman in my life for as long as i did.

i hope she knows how much i adored her. that is my one hope. i think she did.

she's been here for a very long time. we are all going to miss her so much.

my mom, aunt and uncles are hurting so deeply right now. i hope they know how much gram loved them and how i know that gram will live on in them and we are all so lucky to have them in our lives. it's a time for grieving and healing. things will be good again.

gram, i miss you.

i miss your face.

i miss your jokes, your laughter and your kindness but you will always live in my heart.

thank you for being your lovely self. thank you for always laughing even when things weren't fun...oh and gram, thank you for always drinking a beer for heather and i due to our pressuring you. you did it to make us laugh and we knew you really wanted the beer;)

bottom's up, gram. we love you so so much. i love you, gram.

xoxoxoxxo

our little, ivy lynn...

oh, i have so much to write, to share, and remember. i can't wait to write about her birth and how perfect it was. from driving up to the hospital that monday morning with butterflies in my stomach to the moment i pushed her out into this world...the experience from beginning to end was simply magical.

a dream.

a dream i wish i could dream every single day of my life.

we are soaking her in. her littleness. her sweetness.

we are getting to know our little, ivy lynn. in a few days i will write all about the moment we met our newest girl, but for now, here are a few photos of our new family of 5.

we are happy and healthy and everything just seems right. the only hard part, is putting her down. i stare at her all day long. i can't stop breathing her in. watching peyton and beckham love her or thanking God for the family he has given us.

i want to say thank you for all of the prayers, well wishes and love sent our way the last year, but more importantly the last week. i have read every comment. and each one i can feel the love from each of you. i have cried while reading most of them because i can feel the support and it feels good to know so many have read our story and celebrated along with us.

wish i could have you all over for a big lasagna dinner.

thank you. XOXO

**i realized tonight, that i didn't update my blog with her name last wednesday when we named her. i had been updating my facebook and instagram regularly but not my blog. i'm sorry about that.

*if you would like to see photos more regularly, i post them on the iphone app called Instagram. my name there is @heidiwish if you'd like to take a look.

A Very Special Day

Today, we welcomed ...

Another daughter.



Yes, it's a girl. She doesn't have a name yet, but she is beautiful and she is ours.

We are over the moon in love. More to come.

at the end of the day, it's all about gratitude.

the last few weeks have been filled with survival mode tactics in order to keep myself moving forward and doing the things i want to do, have to do, and need to do. being pregnant was exciting for the first months of my pregnancy, but doing what we women do everyday... run a household, a family, and my own business took top billing. still, when i go to sleep at night, i feel grateful for every little bit of the day.

i told myself that after christmas i would relax and bask in the glow of a new baby coming. i would wash and fold miniture blankets, booties, and onesies. i would conceptualize design plans for the new nursery and then attack and have everything done and ready for the arrival no later than two weeks prior to due date.

i had grand dreams of spending every spare moment i had to my little ones. peyton and beckham have been the two loves of my life for so long, that i wanted to show them, prove to them...you both will always be my babies. i'll love you forever and ever and nobody will ever take away the special memories or bonds we have made together. i thought we'd take weekly picnics to the beach, host a lemonade stand, go on an overnight trip to a hotel just for the fun of it.

i've just wanted to soak in every little moment of alone time that i can with them.

cover their little faces with kisses. possibly award myself with a 'medal' for the most times somebody can say i like you, i love you, you make me happy, i'm so lucky to be your mommy!

we've doing the cuddle and kisses part of that grand plan, but the truth is we haven't done a whole lot of outtings or special trips. i wanted to, but it just didn't happen.

mamas been out of commission.

life happened and feeling exhausted has kind of taken over my life at the moment. i'm like the happiest tired person i know. floating on cloud and dreaming of our new family while laying down every twenty minutes for a few before getting up to do something that needs to be done before sitting down again to rest.

and while we have done some baby preparations...washing and folding clothes, decorating a nursery as much as i can without knowing the gender of this one, and taking little game and walk breaks with peyton and becks...we've done less than i wanted to and now the time has just about come to welcome a new one to the darwish clan!

feeling a bit badly about not doing as much has given me the much needed push to do more the last week or so...that or a surge of energy has finally come my way...i'll take it thank you very much!

and although we squeeze in games of chutes and ladders or a game of memory only some of the time, this mama does not fall short in the giving love department. i hope these kids have felt how much especially these last 9 months...because quite frankly in so many other arenas i've plain sucked. i admit it. i'm holding up my flag. but in loving these babies...not so much. loving...well loving is easy and well, i think i'll let all the other stuff go!

(photos taken at naples botanical gardens last month with my point and shoot)

we have crammed so much celebration, work and love into the last few months and while i have failed at sharing most of it, however; my friend has not...so i'll poach from her stash of photos...

there were hanging flowers, twinkling candles, and sweet friends everywhere i looked. it was a magical evening, one i will never forget...ever.

Oh, and homemade pizza by the fabulous wylie! thank you, wylie xoxo

a long overdue thank you to my best friend, kelle for putting your creative mind in overdrive and generous spirit to work to throw me perhaps the most beautiful and touching baby celebration i could never even have hoped for. it was full of love, cheer, good noshes, clinking wine glasses, and messages to baby on quilted baby bunting...thank you, bells. i love you so much. i can't wait to return the favor one of these days!

***

feeling grateful for the friends i have that have celebrated this baby like nobody's business. the calls, the- how are you feeling texts?, the cards, the emails...it's like everyday somebody is telling me how happy they are for us and i feel overwhelmed with the amount of love and support we have had around us.

i'm feeling the most toward my peyton and beckham. they are like air to me. i simply adore these two little people and like any decent parent, i want them to grow up to be the best and happiest they can be and trying to model the this way of life feels like a full-time job sometimes, one that i am not the best at every single day...

...i hope all they really need is our love...and the best that we can do for them, teaching them and modeling what we think are the really important parts of life that they need to know...kindness, generosity, contentment, friendship, gratiude for the smallest little things.

we spent an evening together, just the three of us. we were full of sand in places that shouldn't have sand in them, but it was worth every granule. it had been a super hot day but as the sun set, the temperature went down and the wind spiked up a bit...just enough to cool us off from a long hot day!

the next day we met peyton at school for lunch. she always requests micky d's on these days and sometimes i say no, but this day i said. yes! i felt like i was feeding my kid some kind of poisonous substance, but hey...all is moderation, right? thats my story.

beckham cries each time we leave, "I want to be in KINDEEEERRRRRRGARTEN too!!!!" so this photos was obviously was taken prior to the, "we need to leave in ten minute speech!"

so we went home and made cookies

not these, rather chocolate chip oatmeal with flaxseed. i subbed the raisins for ghiradelli semi sweets and i used old-fashioned oat...the best kind!

then, we jammied up for an early night and ate cookies and watched funniest home videos...

sometimes, i worry about how our lives will be changing will effect these two little ones. it's just been the two of them for so long.

they do so much together...this includes a lot of fighting, but mostly they have formed this bond together. one that comes from living together...depending upon one another to do certain things. they each have their own roles. the boss and the subordinate. the boy and the girl. the sweet and thoughtful to the selfish and irritable. they each take turns sharing these roles and regardless of how the apples on any given day...these two love each other.

they feel safe together. innately, they are protective of one another and so when push comes to shove..."BE NICE TO MY SISTER!" (often told to the little neighbor boy who tackles our little guy a tad too roughly while playing football)

"Mama, can we buy a treat for beckham too?"

i love that it's always been just...peyton and beckham and i wonder how Tagalong will fit in. i worry about it sometimes knowing that this baby will bring so much joy and wonder into our lives, but on the flip side i know there will be challenges. it's normal and i fully expect it.

peyton making her valentine box.

it's been the four of us for so long...

we know how to do this

we are a foursome and turning into a family of five is surreal, somewhat scary, and... amazing.

and i'm feeling grateful for all of the time we've been able to spend together. making memories and sharing space. it feels amazing to be able to let another little body into our world, our space, our lives!

we've been preparing as a family for our new arrival. there is a buzz in the house, not always spoken, but we know something big is about to happen.

'cause their ain't nothin' more life changing than adding a person to one's family. nuttin' honey.

we're nesting together....

cleaning.

restoring.

old dresser bought for a hundred bucks. jeff painted like three base coats, i then waxed the corners where i wanted it look distressed, and then sanded it down in other areas to give it the 'old' effect. i had to paint the panels twice bc the first coat i HATED the color of. after pic shows mismatched knobs i splurged on from anthro. if i have a boy, i'll have to return the flower knobs, but i couldn't resist buying them when i was in the store.

creating.

took a piece of pegboard, painted a beautiful shade of blue and then added molding that i, yes, i faux painted myself. i'm pretty proud of it! most of all, it gave me a full cabinet worth of extra space in my kitchen which i needed so badly. jeff, you rock for making so many things that tickle my fancy. you have done so much. xo

the nursery doesn't look like much here, but it's a work in progress...it looks beautiful right now. more photos to come.

jenn and i went antiquing, so we have lots of goodies to work on now

we had so much fun in arcadia, florida...it was an amazing day of rummaging through old and forgotten treasures. of course, we laughed non-stop and we finished it off with a well-deserved rustic dinner.

jenn is like a source of never ending inspiration...and she crazy like me! xo

***

kelle, rebecca and i found some golden light in a place that probs looks a lot like heaven. kelle found this orange grove last year and it delivered for my first trip. it smells like an array of citrus freshness. rows and rows of trees and perfect orbs of orange love.

we grabbed our buckets and went to work at filling them up.

we explored...

we made out like bandits...

so, i made chicken stir fry with the oranges and i will include a recipe with the next post, because sister is having a heat stroke right now while typing these words so i need to power down asap;)

so, i am thinking that i may be having a baby this week! yes, i think i am! i LOVE saying that. so, i will be posting again before i deliver our little bundle of love...or so i hope so because i want to savor every last moment of this pregnancy and this bump.

being and feeling grateful is a gift that i try not to take for granted. for even when things feel like they are falling apart at. the. seams. there is always something to be grateful for. health of my kids always tops the list. so even when i'm thinking life sucks today...i get into bed and begin to have my little convo with God and by word one...i'm feeling good. grateful. lucky.

so, goodnight for now. enjoy the oscars! for i am attending a pajamma glamma party and i have to say, emma stones's dress... ahhhhhhmaaaaaaaaazzzzingly stunning!

xoxoxoxo

my favorite december iphone photos