we are in michigan for most of the summer!
so i have been:
hanging with family... obsessively.
drinking in the weather. the kind that doesn't leave my hair in a huge frizz ball!
and spending time with friends and my own two little ones.
sucking up the joys of summer with slip and slides and ice cream cones. late bedtimes and evening bike rides with daddy.
two little ones: i LOVE having peyton out of school, but i must have forgotten how much peyton and beckham like to antagonize one another and it's EVERYDAY, all day! mama's tired. and possibly losing her mind.
it's good to get them outside in the lush 'greeness' that is michigan!
wishing flowers are highly sought after between peyton, becks, and their cousin evie!
sito bought this really cool machine and we made homemade fruit pops. they are soooo good and really healthy! she comes up with the coolest tricks! we love sito!
i've been crazy exhausted the last few weeks and really busy with work and after the kids go to bed...i am quickly following behind to catch my own zzz's.
my grandma, who i have written about before is sick. like really sick. really, really sick and she's not getting better.
i got the call a few weeks ago, a couple of days before i left florida for michigan.
"Is this Heidi D, granddaughter to colleen i?"
(in the car with the kids) "Yes it is!"
"This is nurse Nancy with blah blah blah hospice. we need to inform you that we are putting her in our at home hospice program."
all i heard was hospice. the word rung over and over again in my ears and my mind went numb with sorrow at what being in this program would mean for my sweet grandma.
"did you say you are putting her in a hospital named Hostice?"
i knew what she said, but at that moment i couldn't wrap my mind around it, so the nurse repeated again that it was Hospice and that my grandma is having Kidney Failure and that she was not a candidate for dialysis.
i actually had to call back for the latter part of that information as i completely blanked out and had to pull the car over. i hated nurse nancy for behaving so nonchalant about the whole convo. after a minute or so and after apparently hearing my panic, she politely threw in 'sweetheart' when she addressed me again. it was kind of her.
basically, my grandma is dying and it sucks. i've been really having a rough time with this news and until recently i have been in a sad place about it.
the biggest gift right now is that i get to be here in michigan and spend time with her. precious time that my mind has compartmentalized into precious minutes and seconds. i realize that she will not be here in a year and much less than that.
my grandma is the cool grandma that would play video games with us kids, give us soup in a coffee mug, and talk about going back to vegas one day to win some 'big money'. she let me watch Love Connection on sleepovers and we both share a fierce love of my mom's garden tomatoes. sliced thin and sprinkled with salt. heaven. on. earth.
i used to tell her everything and she never made me feel like i couldn't do otherwise.
soon after the news, my sister heather and i were talking on the phone. we were trying to plan something special for gram. if she has three months to live...we are going to help her live these three months the way she wants to.
seeing her for the first time after i heard the news a few days prior was weird. i was scared to see her and i could feel my heart beating and i hated my apprehension in approaching her front door.
when the kids and i walked in, the woman who cries happy tears each time i have visited her in past months...showed almost no emotion and only a little smile. i used to hate when she cried, but now i only wanted her to sob and throw her arms around my neck. but she didn't do that.
i searched for anything that looked like my grandma, but on this day, she wasn't her. she looked blank. my sister and i tried to entice her with a trip to vegas, a new puppy, her favorite thai food...to no response or excitement.
i held her hand even though she didn't seem to want me to. i clutched and kissed her like there was no tomorrow.
she looked frail and not with it, but she seemed to enjoy talking to the kids. peyton reminded her that she was named after her and beckham kept asking if he could give the dog a bone.
it was all so innocent and sweet. weird and timed.
it felt like a huge coo coo clock had been temporarily installed into my brain and it was ticking away each minute that passed. it sucks watching someone you desperately love...die.
as peyton laid on grandma's medical bed looking at photos of justin bieber and solena gomez (mama, look, they are holding hands! they are going to get married!), i looked over at her and realized that one life is just beginning and another precious life is coming to an end.
it's all one big circle and normal and the way it supposed to be and my sadness grew more intense.
we are always changing, this is a good thing, but change can be hard and feel cruel and wrong. but it's not.
my beautiful grandma is okay right now. i spent a few hours with her yesterday and she...smiled a huge a smile when my sister and i walked through the door. heather threw her a plum and she scarfed it down in a few seconds...just like grandma does. we played cards and she beat heather and i fair and square. we laughed and pretended that everything was okay for the moment.
i am learning that this is a very normal part of life. death. it's what makes the time we have together to important and precious. it has reminded me to fill that time with the people we love. loving them and telling them how much.
for now, i will enjoy every minute i have with gram. she has been a gift in my life and it's not over yet! this time with her is amazing and i appreciate it for what it is...another gift.
i'll be livin' it up with gram for awhile and i am excited for this time.
in between cousins and grandparents and all this fun stuff, i have had a couple of shoots. to the beautiful families i have had the opportunity to capture, here is your sneak peek!
and these two pretty girls welcomed a new baby sister!
in honor of my third year of blogging, which came and went a few months ago, i am doing a giveaway!
random.org will choose a winner to receive a $40 gift card to any store at etsy.com!!
all you have to do is leave me a comment so i can put you in the drawing to be picked. good luck!!! if you are inclined, tell me something great that you are enjoying so far this summer. i'd love to hear! i'm back, baby!
happy summer and i will be back in a three to four days to choose a winner and to post some of the million photos i have been snapping! good to be back!