Sunday, May 1, 2011

catching up & a new addition to the family.

wanting some much needed family time, i decided to hop a flight to michigan and meet my newest nephew, little baby spencer. he arrived four weeks early and promptly foiled the neatly laid out plan of me flying in the day before his scheduled delivery date so i could be there as a support as sisters often are as their sibling brings another life into the world, and of course it doesn't hurt that i am the photographer in the family.

but let's back this train up a bit, shall we? before the excitement of the royal wedding (oh my, it was a stunning wedding and i want to go back wear that dress!), my heart beat a little faster when i got the text it's a boy y'all.

i laughed, cried and couldn't contain my excitement and disappointment that i wasn't there. i wanted to beam myself to the hospital room in michigan, but instead i sent flowers and a promise to get my whooping cough shot the very next day and buy my ticket. i was going home sans kids.

as a stay-at-home mama, i NEEDED this four day, three night trip. let me clarify- yes, of course i was going to help my sister (hold and stare at a baby all day) clean, cook, do laundry, burb, love, cuddle,...but i would relish sleeping an extra hour and not worrying about whether or not the kids are having fun. it would be great quality time with my sisters and mom. i was excited!

but secretly, i had made mental notes to make it to my favorite thai spot, bangkok 96, and to visit grandma and grandpa. a guilt-free forty minute ride to the senior homes of both of my grandparents would make the visit more enjoyable and the kids wouldn't want to go anyway. as my guilt of leaving the kids started going into overdrive, i kept reminding myself that it wouldn't be fun for the kids anyway. this was, of course, a total lie.

actually, the kids would love to go but the fact that i was so turmoiled about leaving them meant that it's been too long since i last left them, so i needed to go for me and for my sister.

fast forward to the me sitting in the spirit terminal, waiting to board my airplane. doubts, fears, and tears start invading my me time. crazy thoughts start bouncing back and forth like a ping pong does during a world champion ping pong tournament.

i should've brought the kids. yes, i should have. i suck. did i really need to go now? i could've waited.

what if my plane goes down? (yeah, my mind goes there) i then decide, that if my plane did go down, it would be a good thing my kids weren't with me. then, they won't have a mother.

will jeff remarry? maybe i should call him and tell him he's not allowed. well, maybe it would be okay a year later. no, yes, he is allowed. god, please let her love my kids as i do. nobody will. maybe it would be better if they were with me? heidi, what the hell is wrong with you? they will be fine without you. you will be fine. your plane is safe. much safer in a plane than in a car...blah, blah, blah...

i sit in my uncomfortable, hard terminal seat and i stare at the faces that could be the last ones i ever see. a part of me wants to give each of them a hug and tell them that they have kind smiles. i convince myself that the ones with the blank stares are feeling the same way i am. i pray...for all of us. my heart is beating and try to calm myself down before i hyperventilate myself out of my trip.

i want a cheeseburger from the airport burger king. no, you're dieting...again. on the other hand, as a possible dead woman walking, i go and buy a junior cheeseburger, no fries and eat only half(just in case i live, summer is still coming, duh.).

after i eat my last supper, i decide to text my sister and let her in on my discomfort:

i'm getting on a plane. i know i'll be fine. i love you. if anything happens to me, PROMISE to make jeff get the kids two guinea pigs. he promised and i'm afraid he'll go back on his word if i don't make it because he is allergic to them. so tell him you know about the agreement. i love you. help my girl find the perfect wedding dress. love my kids hard and tell them i adored them like crazy. lol, i'm crazy. i'll be fine.

and because i'm crazy i text the rest of my family and tell them that i'm getting on a plane and i love them.

my sister texts back:
you're crazy! i love you. i'll see you at spirit baggage claim.

her simple words comfort me.

i get a call from my dear friend...who knows i'm losing it and so promptly calls my phone where i answer on the first ring.

heidi, you are going to be fine. i promise you.

i begin to cry relief as if i believe in that moment that she's god and she indeed knows i will be fine. she tells me this is all normal and i begin to accept that i am just a mom scared of being away from her kids. i begin to feel better because i am sure all moms feel the same way. (just go with it even if you are more normal than i:)

heidi, i promise that this is normal and when i go away next week, i am going to call you and you are going to tell my scared ass the same exact thing i am telling you now. now, go to the bar and grab a bloody mary. you are kid free, enjoy yourself.

she's right, i will remind her of the same things she is telling me now, but i laugh nervously and my shoulders fall and i can finally laugh at my behavior. i laugh-cry and tell her about the promise of the guinea pigs (tell jeff you know all about the promise) and then i say for good measure, "i know i am going to be okay, but just in case, clean my closet before anyone is allowed in, print my blog and give a copy to each of my kids, talk up my memory, and tell my grandchildren that i loved them so much."

it dawns on me...i am one crazy bizotch.

after my mini meltdown, i board the plane. i remember that i paid an additional $14 to snag a seat near the front of the plane because i heard somewhere it was safer.
i feel like i wasted $14.

i sit next to an older woman who smells like estee lauder, is sporting cute earrings, and is clutching a danielle steel novel. i look at her thinking that she looks like queen elizabeth and that when i am her age, i hope i look as good as she does now. it's a shame strangers can't say things like this to other complete strangers, because i am pretty that my thoughts of her, would make her feel good.

i say hi, but neither of us seems to want to chat and i am grateful for that and for the silence. i close my eyes and talk myself into how awesome this quiet time is going to be. i snoozed for a full 3 minutes before i heard one of the flight attendants cracking unfunny jokes into the loud speaker.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Spirit Airlines flight 123 with non-stop service to Detroit. Please turn your attention to the flight attendant nearest you for our safety demonstration. Please follow along with the safety card located in the seat pocket in front of you.
(i grab my card because if i don't-MY mind starts to wander again.)

...In case of a water landing, life jackets are located under your seat. To fasten, place the vest over your head and secure both straps around your waste. To inflate, pull the red handle, or manually inflate by blowing into the red tube. Remember, NEVER inflate the vest inside of the aircraft. Also, a beacon light will activate upon entering water.

for those of you in the first four rows (me)...your life jackets can be found in between your seats. do not grab the pillow under your seat...THOSE GO DOWN WITH THE SHIP! giggle giggle

WHAT DID SHE SAY?! the older, good smelling lady next to me looks at me with her eyes bugging out of her head. now she wants to talk.

"oh, god. i hope we make it!"

i laugh and tell her that she was just kidding and of course, we are going to make it.

"she shouldn't have said that," older lady states right back.

this starts us talking about life, kids, her house, her kids and grandkids. all goes well and then the beverage cart rolls around.

the good girl in me feels disrespectful to order a drink in front of the grandma-ish woman sitting next to me. i mean, i just told her how much i miss my two kids as tears were stinging my stressed out eyes.

FRAUD keeps looping through my brain as i decide to order tomato juice...with a side of vodka. thank you.

i start whispering excuses. i want to tell her that i have never ordered a mile high drink before. i am not part of any mile high club for the matter, and before i push my guilt ridden body out of the cargo door, she says
"oh, good dear. have a drink. it's good for you." and she digs into her danielle steel once more.

i need counseling, so i begin the book i brought with me and finally begin my trip.
for the record: this book is good. really good and really funnY!

we land safely and i want to call my husband and tell him i am alive, but my high-on-life attitude at midnight doesn't go over the way i had hoped and he mumbles...
"huh, ok bb. loves you. talk tomorrow (snore) bye."

begin family time!
Photobucket
more of baby spencer on the next post, this is just a teaser for my sister. xo
***
another addition to the family:
Bunny Darwish
adopted seven days ago.
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jeff agreed to try getting a caged animal versus a puppy because the kids have been begging to have a pet. we think daddy is pretty cool to try this out for us, so thank you!
beckham named him.
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the last photo looks like a new couple staring down at their newborn baby...i love it.

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beckham has started sitting with him in the mornings and they watch cartoons together. they talk to him like he's adult and they are very protective of him as well. it's really cute to watch.

***
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other things i am loving right now are late night snack time with daddy in our bed, when it's past bedtime.
and
peyton's green thumb. we've planted two pineapples and some flowers.

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peyton growing up in so many ways...
new hair styles, new games, new peyton. our baby is becoming more independent and we are so proud of her.

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the way she sits, smiles, is...it all seems different lately. older. it's...strange watching your baby grow up.

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i heard her whispering, "kiss, kiss, kiss," the other day. she smiles at this part of the tangled movie each time she sees it. like a shy smile.

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she explains what it going on in the world to anyone that will listen. all of a sudden, she knows stuff.

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"mommy, come watch a movie with me!" and me saying 'yes!'
happy even though i look like mommy dearest.

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seeing these two grow up and learn together.

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school talent shows!

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and trips to the school playground that remind me of my own school days.

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monkey bars!
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loving these little ones so much.
***
if you buy these,
Photobucketand you should because they are amazing, you should try this recipe...
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i would call this a pizzette with prosciutto and gorgonzola.
you will need:
yellow onion, and an orange or red pepper, cut into strips and sauteed in a tablespoon in olive oil and a tablespoon of butter.
soften them for about 10 minutes over low-medium heat. it may take longer. be patient and do not be tempted to raise the heat.

a package of prosciutto di parma

3 ounces of gorgonzola (or blue cheese crumbles)

1/2 cup basil leaves, julienned

two tablespoons, garlic infused olive oil (i made my own, but you can buy it)

*cut a piece of prosciutto in half and use it for two pizzettes.

take pita bite and place the prosciutto on bottom, layer with onions and peppers, top with a few crumbles of cheese, and few slices of basil and a drizzle of garlic oil.

feel free to pop assembled pizzettes in the over for a quick melting of the cheese under the broiler.

put on platter and enjoy. these are yummy and substantial apps. with things that you probs already have on hand!

***
i have received many photos. i have been going through them and will post a few on the next post! also, be on the lookout for a giveaway as well. i am working on that as well!

**oh and grandpa, thanks for asking me if i am flying home from michigan...
"heidi, are flying home on a plane? today? what airline? okay, honey, you know those pilots are drunk and flying asleep on those, them there planes. you gotta watch yourself. i'm serious. be careful honey."

me, totally scared shitless, " it's okay gramps, i'll be fine. those planes can practically fly themselves!"

lol, thanks for the laugh gramps! love you.

summer is in the air and i'm looking forward to
lemonade stands, sprinklers, and bbq with friends. and a plane ride or two back to michigan. a healthy fear of flying could be cured with more inexpensive flights home and we are looking forward to more good reasons to visit home. next time the kids come;)
xoxoxoxo

26 comments:

bloom.mama said...

Hello!

First time commenting, but I felt the time was right! ;-) Found your blog through your dear friend, Kelle Hampton's blog. You both write beautifully, and your photos are always gorgeous. I particularly enjoy your posts, and feel a tiny connection due to the fact that we have great taste in names - I have an 8 year old son named Beckham. :-) I also have a soon-to-be 10 year old daughter, so I truly relate to the emotions involved in watching our baby girls grow up!

I had to laugh when I just read about your sweet new nephew, Spencer. I have a nephew as well....and believe it or not, his name is Spencer! I thought this crazy coincidence was worth a de-lurking 'Hello'! ;-)

Congrats on the new babe and keep up the great work. You have a gift with the camera, as well as your words. :-)

All the best from the West Coast of Canada...
xo

Sian said...

haha I'm glad I'm not the only one who has these thoughts when I leave my kids or go on a plane for that matter. Your children are adorable (and your new Nephew!) I'm loving your blog, I'm so glad I found it x

Heidi said...

bloom mama! this would be too weird for words, but as i was reading your comment this morning, i kept saying to myself, "i wonder if she is from canada?" i see that you are! do, have you, by chance, ever been to a place called evergreen resort?

i met someone there once, that had a beckham (the only person i have ever heard of) with a son sharing the same name; it's pretty unique as a first name!

fat chance, but wanted to ask!

the spencer thing...that's great! loved that you said hi and thank you for the sweet words:)

sian: thank you. yes, if you are anything like me when it comes to leaving the kids, you are crazy too...LOL!

xo

Maria said...

Heidi~
So glad you made it to & fro safely. As one of my favourite bloggers, you had me worried 'cause this post was a long time coming. I'm wondering if there is a prominent worry gene? If so, I'm sure most of us have one. I spent a good part of my online time this week wondering why you weren't posting ~ "Is she ill? Family emergency?
Car accident? Plane crash?
God forbid! Maria, get ahold of yourself. You have way too much time on your hands to be worried about a stranger/blogger/friend, who is, I'm sure, just fine, living her life". But I was worried. And I was thinking about you. And I'm glad you're back!
Enjoy being home...until the next time. Happy Summer!!
Hugs,
Maria

happymommy said...

I have been following your blog for awhile now, found it through your friend Kelle (who I love too by the way).
The beginning of your post had me laughig and was so cute. The feelings you described, as I know they were real, were just too funny to me. So happy that your flight went great and you had a wonderful visit with your family. Baby Spencer is Adorable and can't wait to see more pics of him.

Also, just have to add that your kids are just beyond Beautiful! I LOVE the pictures of them and everything about them is just stunning! Little Bunny looks like a great new addition to the family too!
Happy Monday!!!

Kristine said...

omg, heidi you just made me bawl my eyes out at work! i think we are the same person because those are my exact ( crazy ) thoughts when I get on a plane. no wait, i don't even have to get on it, just the thought makes me go into that panic. glad to see i am not alone. baby spencer is precious. congrats auntie! so bittersweet to see your babies growing up. and how cute is bunny? what a fun addition to the family!
xo
Kris

bloom.mama said...

Heidi - no luck, never been to Evergreen Resort. THAT would have been crazy! Yes, it's an uncommon name, but I have a hunch it's going to pick up steam. Look what we've started. ;-) Look forward to watching YOUR Beckham grow via your beautiful pics!
xo

Rebecca said...

Oooo Baby, now that I've started flying I have to force myself not to go through the same thing!
My MIL told me that she figures that her life story is not going to end in a plane crash. She so steadfastly believes this that whenever she's with me she simply says "it's not my time so this plane isn't going down". Her confidence is contagious and fear flies out the window.
Seeing the pics of your kids growing up over a year of me reading is incredible! How big they do get. Be proud gorgeous Mama! :)
xo

The Manrings said...

congrats on your new handsome nephew!!!! so glad you got to go and snuggle and kiss him. you describing your thoughts as you were about to board the plane makes me laugh out loud AND totally connect. why do we feel so crazy sometimes? hehehehe. happy to meet Bunny the other day and love peyton's dress at the school concert. love our friendship heidi! xoxo

Becky at lifeoutoffocus said...

Omg so I'm not the only one who thinks irrational panicked thoughts as I sit alone for a while?? I'm glad you went and that it was a good trip. The kids are super cute and so is Bunny.

Leslie said...

Hey Sista,
I love that B & W of Peyton lying on the ground. She looks ....philosophical or somthing like she is really thinking about something BIG! A lot of Amazing pics Heidi and yes those little ?Pizettes are amazing! Hope to see you soon.

Rhonda said...

Yep you are crazy ;) but I am too. I have this twisted mind that tells me I am never going to return and this will be it!

I think its because, we are nurturers, planners, preparers. We need to have everything thought out!
My husband doesn't have a qualm about getting on a plane. It would be the last thing on his mind. I drive myself sick with the what ifs!!
I wish I could just shut off those emotions and relax a bit more!!

Maybe that is what makes us special and unique and wonderful mothers all in the same! We care deeply, and love deeply and our babes are our number one priorities!!
Glad you made it safely and even enjoyed yourself!!
Cant wait to see more pics of your new nephew...he's a sweety!!
And that pic of Peyton on the floor....old Hollywood!! She is just so deep in it!!

xo
Rhonda

another shout out to Canada....

Hugs from the East Coast!!
Hello Westcoast :)

Tisha said...

oh my word i about died laughing about your inner monologue at the airport! i am the same way. i already told nathan that he has to get married but he has to have his bride approved by my parents. ha!

Becky said...

I love Peyton's dresses!

Anna Ruth said...

Welcome home! I hope the new addition to the family works out. I have to agree the picture of them looking down does look like a family looking down on their new baby. To them it is their baby.

sara said...

Heidi...I always check in and wanted to comment and say hi. It's been a while. Wow, I have the same thought processes about EVERYTHING and they are often way more crazy! It's so tiring. I have this tiny little prayer that I say each time I begin to go there..."God, please guard my thoughts." I'm one crazy momma! Before I got married and had kids, I'd hop a plane, grab a glass or three of wine, read a glossy and never think twice. Now, I'm a sweaty-palmed, sheet white, over packed idiot. Ha!
Glad all is well with the Darwish fam.
Sara

LCR said...

first of all... you are not crazy! you just have so much love for your family and friends, it cant help but escape into worry sometimes:)

and second, i can't BELIEVE how much Peyton is starting to look like you! She is growing up, and both your littles are beautiful.
xo

April said...

You are so very sweet and I love you and this blog, even though I haven't been around a lot lately! I have some crazy exciting news to shout out at the universe, I just haven't felt good enough to shout it ... I am going to bring another life into this world!! So there you have it, my good reason for being missing :) Hopefully, I will be back soon!!

xoxo,
April

Amie said...

Ah, I love ya, Heidi. I flew recently and I felt the same way. It's terrible the things us mamas go through! Love all your photos, especially your sweet new nephew. My girl, Emerson, says Peyton is pretty and someday she wants to visit her in Florida. And Lainey, too. Funny that she's six and has made "friends" with the children of the mamas' blogs I read! XO

Eva Marie said...

Heidi Heidi Heidi, your kids are STUNNING, I think I say that often but these pictures just prove it once again. They are BEAUTIFUL!!

I love your thought process before boarding the plane, totally honest and completely what goes through my mind.. loved that you texted your sister for good measure, something I would so do and acknowledge its crazy at the same time hehe

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