Wednesday, December 7, 2011

the blues. the jolly. bring it all. {i'm ready} it's christmas!

okay. i haven't posted in over a week. i'm going to just throw it right out there...things have moving like a runaway train these days. i am more behind this year than i have ever been before and if your a reader of this blog, you probably know that this can be a regular occurrence. with the holidays quickly approaching and clients wanting memories captured and me wanting to stay atop our family holiday traditions, it feels as if i've been run over by a herd of santa's reindeer and left for dead. i'm thinking i'll be fully recovered, along with every other parent, around february or march of next year!

with the disclaimer behind me, i love how wonderful it feels to be sitting at my desk in the living room. my macbook is blindingly illuminating the space and peyton, who has been running an average of a 103 fever all day has finally cooled off, after my calm and collected call to the pediatrician. the polar express is on and beckham is outside with jeff playing what they are calling football. i call it scary. i about tackled the neighbor boy he was playing with after he pushed my little guy to the ground, but jeff saw my reaction and quickly explained, "it's touch football." my reply, "i don't like football!"

i guess i'll have to learn to like a lot of things as these babies grow up. it's part of the deal!

i think i've been fighting a small case of the blues. i've heard of the holiday blues and i'm sure it's a very real thing, but it's not that. this season has kept me afloat of all that is has and will offer in the coming weeks. the magic of it all is very real to my babies and i love to see a little bit of the belief in their faces each day!

my grandma is getting sicker. i've been hearing that she may not make it past january. it's been a week since i received that call so i've been trying to adjust to that news. i knew it was coming. i was trying to prepare. i'm not sure if it's possible to do so. i was in a dark place for a few days. not outwardly depressed and crying. i go about my normal day. the kids and i have been doing christmas crafts and just...living. and i'm happy. but i'm angry. angry in a way i've never been before. i'm pretty sure it's a step in the grieving process, but it's been tough.

and i'm sure if one more person tells me to be positive about the time i have with her...i may snowball them to frozen-ess ...with that said, i'm trying to be. not being able to be there has been the toughest part of all of this so, jeff booked me a ticket to go and see her next week!

three whole days of cooking and laughing. playing cards (she'll win because she's just good at cards), watching movies and a sleepover spa night complete with mani's and pedi's. i'm so excited i can't stand it! so, with a little more bounce in my elf shoes than i've had, i'm ready to count my blessings in regards to my sweet gram and get to having fun and enjoy the time i will have with her next week.

until then, we will bask in all of the craziness that is christmas. we will start slowing down to do the things that i've putting on the back burner. on my to do list for this week:

1. make christmas cookies with the kids. a practice session before the real thing on christmas eve...santa's cookies!
2. frame this years christmas photo and hang it on the tree. dwish family tradition! if you do it, remember to include the year of the photo with puffy paint or sharpie pen.
3. write our letter to santa!

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(oatmeal with brown sugar, pecans, and dried cranberries!)

we've been trying to infuse little bits of northern love into the house. we don't get the snow or crisp cool weather, but we try to make up for it with little deets here and there.

my favorite thing to use this year so far...
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this twine. i'm going to do big things with it...i just need to figure out what. so far, it is what i am using to display our christmas mailers.

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twine and cranberries. inexpensive and beautiful! for what seems plain during the day, at night turns into soft and simple things that make me so happy. i just light the candles. these candles i love and i just found them at walmart for about $2 a piece. hurricane vases were $7.

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that and a page taken out of the Elf movie...paper chains, white lights, and snowflakes!

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and for good measure, a christmas tree made out of veggies. add some dip voila, insta christmas cheer.

speaking of christmas cheer...someone's got it in spades...look what she did:
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...she brought the north pole to us and our kids.

kelle rocked out a party like i've never seen before. it was like being at our own private disney world...on christmas steroids.

it. was. magic.

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this face: belief. belief in santa and his elves and everything magic that goes with christmas and what a young girl should feel at this time in her life.

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they made reindeer food...

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and searched for an elves lost treasures...

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yes, one of santa's elves were there. and the kids went nuts!

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afterward we went into santa's workshop and had snow chilled milk and snickerdoodles.

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and then it was a "The Night Before Christmas" reading before we hauled our sleepy ones home for their own 'long winter's nap.'

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peyton fell right asleep , cradling Bunny. she loves that guinea pig...sadly, three days after this picture was taken, Bunny went to sleep and never woke up.

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(i'm sorry you died. the guinea pig and peyton.)

the fallen expression on peyton's face when i had to tell her, i will never forget. there were lots of tears and prayers. begging and pleading for the guinea to wake up. it was plain sad.

i made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies to try and make things a bit better. i guess i reward my kids with food. it was very evident this day when i could think of nothing else but, "honey, want mommy to make you some cookies? then we can sit on the couch and watch Elf!"
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she obliged, but first she wrote Bunny a note and then we buried him next to our house.

she cried off and on that night, and when jeff walked out late that night to get a drink, he found her like this

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she walked down stairs and without saying a word, fell asleep...with her santa hat on. bless her sweet little heart.

the santa hat? oh, how i love that she put the santa hat before she fell asleep. i wonder what she was doing in her room before she decided to sneak down the stairs. was she playing an elf? just in a festive mood. i love her and her sweet and sensitive heart.


a chance encounter with a farm here in town... never thought i would say that, but who knew there was a real farm with animals and all about 10 minutes from the house. kelle found it and and called right away...dropped what we were doing to visit the the Winter Wonderland at the farm down the road! it was beautiful and such a treat. it was a school night!


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lately in my grief and anger, i can forget to appreciate about how wonderful life really is. life does end and a good way to honor that truth is to enjoy the small, sometimes mundane and routine small and good things. it feels better that way.


things that make us extremely happy lately:


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beckham's love for hockey and anything sport related. i'm not an athlete, but i love seeing him take after his daddy!

couple times a week i hear, "mommy, will you go outside and play hockey with me?" inside i grown a bit, but i go and every time we have so much fun. i hear the leader in him when he ecstatically jumps when i 'score' a goal or when he tells me softly that i have earned myself a penalty.


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peyton learning and loving playing volleyball!


bonus: daddy is coach!

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taking lots of video!


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listening to christmas tunes, lighting candles, and watching peyton and beckham play near the tree, look for new ornaments that earlier had escaped their attention.


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my favorite christmas find this year you can find here! k told me about this guy and i'm in love and i can't forget the familiar songs and tunes of these siblings!


and maybe my favorite thing to do these days,

dream about meeting this little one...


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hi, baby! we love you so much.


at only 25 weeks here, we are smitten with Tagalong and all i want to do is to slow down and prepare for the arrival of baby boy or girl. i have big ideas for the nursery and i am finally starting to put to paper in preparation. for now, we go back and forth about what to name the baby. jeff's has some doozie ideas. more on that later, but between you and me i think he's lost his mind;)


we can't wait!


i know we hit the christmas gift jackpot with this baby and i don't ever want to forget how it feels to be me here, and now. sadness will come and it will go, but the happies in my life just don't stop.


happy holidays!

love to you.

19 comments:

Farmgirl Paints said...

oh my goodness. it's all so magical. love the one of you in the mirror with baby week 25. i get a really peaceful feeling when i pop in over here. hope you have a very merry christmas.

Jannice said...

Gosh i'm emotional... I cried reading this! :) Anyway...I hope Peyton is feeling better...my Ella is just going back to school today after battling strep throat. Now I'm just waiting for Ava to get it! ...hopefully not!
Sorry to hear about the guinnea pig...we lost a dog this summer - my girls are still upset. Its so hard to explain that to them!
I hope you enjoy your your time with your grandma...its so hard...Love to you and your growing family! Baby looks perfect! :)

Annie said...

So sorry to hear about your Grandma, it is so hard. I am thankful for you that you'll get to spend some more precious time with her. Some day you will tell stories to tag-a-long how s/he was in your belly and got to hear Great-Grandma's voice and be in her presence.
I enjoy the realness of what you post. Helps put things into perspective sometimes.

stephanie said...

Loved your post! I really like the idea of pinning cards on twine. I usually staple mine to ribbon. And the party that Kelle had??? OMGOSH! What a fun idea. Moms like that make me feel so inadequate ;-) Sorry to hear about Bunny. It is so heartbreaking to see your children so sad :-( Have a merry Christmas!

April said...

Such sweetness, Heidi!! Sounds like you are doing the best you can with all that's on your plate!

Love to YOU ...

Eva Marie said...

Heidi I can imagine how hard it is to be away from family when all you want to do is be close to them at a time like this.

You look beautiful carrying your sweet 25 week old baby :) Love your waiting for the surprise.. I can remember like it was yesterday hearing them say "its a girl" :)

Shannon said...

I'm so glad you posted. :) I have been blog-stalking you. LOL! Very cool Christmas stuff you guys have going on! I hope you have a good loving visit with your Gram, I completely understand the anger that you are feeling. {{hugs}} for you & yours!

Sarah said...

I really wish I could take a photog class from you!!!! I love the blurry/focus pic of oatmeal and candles. You do a fabulous job of making me think you are blogging from somewhere in the cold. Finally, I may have told you this before but my philosophy of grandmothers is simple as it was given to me by a small town hair stylist after mine died; she said, " no one loves you like your granny does." Amen to that. XO

kimbrown 58 said...

Hello my dear! Once again you have reduced your sappy Aunt to tears! I know better than to read your blogs, happy and sad they all get to me!Beautifuly done work of art! Hard times are coming we know, well all get through it together!In turn one little miracle is on the way!Lets all make the most of our Holidays, and precious time we have now. love, kiss, and hugs xxoo

Loosy said...

I just absolutely love your space and your tribe. And you. Which is kinda weird but what can I say, you're just so darn freshing. Wishing you rest (ha!) and sleep (ha!) these last 15 weeks. xoxo

Brandy said...

I am sure that Bunny is in a good place with my childhood bunny called GP(for guinea pig) probably laughing about their names! Poor little lady, hope shes feeling better.

Whoa. All this Christmas stuff is making me dizzy with lurve! Were doing our place this weekend and I am now inspired!

aimee jones said...

love all of your pictures!

Kacey Haffner-Bruce said...

I also think I suffered from pregnancy depression.. but didnt see it until after.. at least you area acknowledging it!

its an emotional time of year.. all you need is love and family.. there will be time for more christmas next year ;)

xo

Becky at lifeoutoffocus said...

Cried about twice reading this and smiled 150. What a good, good post. So sad to hear abt your grandma and the guinea pig BUT I find myself excited too about the baby and can't wait to see what it is. Thanks for brightening my day :)

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear about your Grams. It must be very difficult watching someone who is so dear to you become frail and weak with age. I lost both my Grandmothers unexpectedly. It was hard, but I never watched them become different, they left my life older but very closely resembling the same women they were when they entered it.

I know the circle of life is just that and people have to go so that other may come...but it doesn't make it easier.

Hope you are feeling better soon and hope you and your Grams have the best time ever during your visit. Keeping you both in prayer :)

GraceesMommy said...

I miss my Nana so much at this time of the year. I think the fact that we love them so much will always make losing them so.very. hard. and we will always miss them. You really are blessed to have a husband who wants to give you this special time with your grandma and he is blessed with a lovely wife who has such a huge capacity to love. So sorry about Bunny..that is so tough on a little heart. Hugs to you and your baby bump is wicked sweet! ♥♥♥

Heidi said...

joy...stinging kind of tears. thank you!

farmgirl, merry christmas!

jannice, hope ella is feeling better.

ladies, all of these comments made me cry... the happy kind of tears!

xo

Holly S. said...

I read your blog awhile back, then forgot about it, and just remembered it again! It's great! And it's bookmarked now! I love your writing, photography, decorations, food, and your children are precious. Congrats on your pregnancy! We used that same kind of twine and hung cut-outs (from family fun website) of felt snowman, gingerbread men, Christmas trees, stars, ornaments and snowflakes decorated with pom-pom balls and glitter, and hung with the same little clips you have! Merry Christmas!

Karly Jaco said...

great post, so many different things here. so sorry for peyton, it's so sad for kids when a pet dies. hoping all you are doing to help her is giving her comfort. love seeing kelle's party from your perspective. it looked awesome. i really love the shadowy pics of the kids by the tree. gorgeous, and those candles with cranberries are awesome!

Hope your time with Gram is beautiful. It's so hard, though you know reality it is still hard. Thinking of you as you struggle through this. Losing a loved one is never easy.

I LOVE the ultrasound pic of tagalong. sigh...what a cutie!! Loved what you said about the names too. hehe husbands are so great with names sometimes huh. lol

Hope you get an extra dose of cheer. and find comfort in your precious family. :) I wish there was something to say to help, but I will be keeping you in prayer, and your gram, and the whole family during this tough time.