Friday, January 20, 2012

a photographers, OH NO!; a big ass; and feeling blessed

i'm just going to keep it extremely real here...i have no excuse for not posting a single syllable or megapixel of a photo in nearly three weeks, but i can tell you...i've probably been eating...or sleeping...or making some random excuse as to why, "i just can't. I just can't get off of this couch unless the house in burning down."

i am so tired. i have been so tired. blessed with a slew of amazing people who wanted me to take their photos for the holiday season, i have finally granted the fatigue to wash over this hugely pregnant body like a wave might slap you in the face, when you didn't know it was coming and it leaves you breathless and unable to save yourself. gasping...for...air...

yes, i let the proverbial handsome *lifeguard, carry me to shore and take care of the rest. my *husband has been amazing...he's taken over many things that i have stopped doing and has basically just walked on by the big hump of a {beautiful} belly-lounging in bed with not much more than a cock of his head to one side and a chuckle. a chuckle that i am assuming can only LOVINGLY mean, 'could you be more useless?'

but he doesn't say those words...instead he usually offers me a skinny cow ice cream sandwich with a chaser of orange juice, shaken-not stirred poured over crushed ice.

yes, sleep, oj, and ice cream sandwiches may as well be a free trip to paris in the spring. at this moment in time, i can't imagine loving anything more than these three luxuries. well, maybe a chocolate filled croissant.

so, after trying to catch up on just about everything this these last few days...i started feeling a tad overwhelmed. i felt the cold and unmistakable feeling of sadness start to creep into my mind. with only 6 more weeks left to prepare, i started to feel like maybe i hadn't been organizing my time wisely and had possibly taken on more than i could chew. i stopped sleeping well; i hopped around the house like a bunny looking at all of the piles of crap i had to deal with...clean out this closet and that one; paint that, distress the other; spend quality time with the kids; cook A meal, get those photos out; answer those emails; call back...my list is growing and i'm about to put out an all call to my sisters and mom to please get out here asap to help me not lose my mind.

i was in the process of losing my mind and my delightful personality-until i woke this morning and started laughing at how RIDICULOUS i had been allowing myself to feel. i have absolutely nothing to be upset about. it's laundry and cluttered closets...how bad could it really be?!?!?! i decided...not that bad.

i reminded myself that i couldn't be happier about what is about to happen to us in such a short time and i don't want to spend my last few weeks of life-as-we-know-it feeling all overwhelmed and stressed. besides...boooo hooooo- i've got nothing to complain about...really...

LIFE
IS
GOOD.


our bean is growing
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the doc said the baby is a tad on the small side, but i'm not worried. both of my babies were on the small side and my lower half will be happy about that when the time comes to, 'bear down!"

i haven't seen my feet in a long while
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and i'm loving every single second of this little miracle.

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i don't want this pregnancy to end...i know it has to but i just love feeling this little body move around in the tight space that it has left. it is even more magical this time, but only because it is tangible right now. soon, i will almost forget what it's like. time will dull the memory, so i will savor each and every last nano second of this baby belly as i know it is my last.

***

a few weeks ago, i went to michigan to see {and say goodbye} to my sweet, sweet gram. i am told that she will not likely make it through january, so i flew there last month while i could still safely fly.

i went home with one goal in mind: to enjoy my grandma and to spoil her rotten, like she used to my sister and i when we were little.

the plan:
a sleepover and all that goes with it short of spin the bottle and new kids on the block tapes playing over and over again.

i had big plans... to do her hair and make-up, paint her nails, watch a girl movie and eat like there was no tomorrow.

we didn't get to all of that, but we did laugh

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we did eat
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we dug up old photos of old boyfriends
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and maybe an ex-husband (and our gramps) too! she ripped him to pieces in the most loving and hysterical way...the way someone might if they've known someone forever and when their words have no consequences or any real mallice...it's just plain funny! she is one funny lady!
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she felt my baby move.
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don't let the above photo move you to tears...she was super annoyed at me for trying to get her to feel the baby move when it was moving... it would stop each time she placed her cold hand on my tummy. however, i was determined to get her to 'touch' that baby. to connect with him or her just once.

"um heidi, i think you are a crazy person. the baby is NOT moving!!!"

i looked over at my sister and declared defeat with my eyes and then we started laughing like we were in the audience of america's funniest home videos. gram didn't know what was going on, so she just started laughing too.

my story will always be that she felt the baby move that day.

life is constantly changing

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babies turn into toddlers and then school age children

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young and vibrant matures to experience and wisdom
(mom, gram, and i)

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and in some ways...more beautiful.

i said my goodbyes to my grandma over at our favorite mexican food restaurant. i didn't actually say goodbye, but i know it will be the last time i see her. i ran to the bathroom that day about every ten minutes to have a good cry in the bathroom stall that i feel i have a relationship with now.

each time i returned, my gram looked at me and said something hysterical...
"heidi, why you sure are getting fat! ha, your butt is getting big!"
and when i would start singing christmas music at the table to keep the mood light, she would look at me with one of her, what the hell is wrong with you faces and say something like, "heidi, i think you need to stick with your day job!" and my personal fave of the afternoon was, "you are ruining my lunch!"

this new sense of humor comes from the place she is in now. i think it lets her be a little more free with her thoughts and words and i couldn't have been more honored to be there and to let her tear into my sister and i and then, the next breath...laughter. laughter that didn't seem to stop the entire lunch. it was a unique and special way to end our physical time together. over beef enchiladas, extra brown gravy and double rice, no beans. we laughed and loved and my heart said a sweet goodbye to the woman who has shaped a lot of who i am today. i'm not ready to say goodbye, but i will when i have to. until then, i know she's always good for a real laugh.

i call my gram throughout the weeks now, and she sounds amazing. she sounds like herself most days and i find myself praying for a miracle, but if i don't get to ever hold her hand again, or breath in her smell...pond's cold cream and estee lauder eau de toilette...i know i'll always have the times we have spent together. and in talking about gram; i know that will call her first thing in the morning because i miss her so much. i'll probably tell her that peyton asked,

"mommy, when there is a baby growing in your belly and your belly gets big, does that mean your butt grows too?"

i think she'll like that one;)
***

and to end tonight's post even though i could go on forever, let me tell you a little story in a nutshell
{i will give you all of the gory details in the next post which i PROMISE will be on monday}

especially if you fancy yourself a photog, like myself...
NEVER EVER SHOOT A WEDDING OR MAJOR EVENT WITHOUT A BACKUP CAMERA...ever!

for now, i will share with you the BEAUTIFUL bride and groom, Jon & Lesa. i had the pleasure of capturing their big day a few days after christmas.

can i just say, this bride is as amazingly beautiful inside as she is on the outside. i have never met a more thoughtful and kind person on their wedding day. a day that should be all about the bride, she constantly thought of others, including me.

lesa and jon, thank you for making my job, if you can call it that, so enjoyable and fun!

here is your sneak peek of your First Look:
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lesa and jon opted to see one another before the ceremony and i'm so glad they did. the bride and i found a hiding spot in the woods and waited for jon to spy his girl in the white dress...

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and my favorite...
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because you can see how much she loves her man.
XOXO

***
on monday, what's in my bag...because i've been getting asked that lately and my photography horror story and my recipe for my citrus cream cheese rolls!

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20 comments:

Loosy said...

You're bump pictures and your words brought tears to my eyes. Is it possible to have a 3 month-old and all of a sudden have the urge to have another? Is it possible to have a 2 year-old who you not so politely asked to just "go away" today after being snowed in for 3 days, alone, with no hubby, to want another? Gulp. It is. I'm over the moon excited for you and your family. You look absolutely gorgeous. Stunning. xoxo

Katie said...

the gram story was my favorite. heartwarming to say the least. <3

A.B. said...

moving. love it. can't imagine that feeling. LOVE the bump. ANd I don't ever want a school aged child. Can't I keep my toddler?

GraceesMommy said...

OMGoodness...I love this post, it made me laugh, go awhhhhh, cry and then remember my last time with my Nana. Absolutely hands down your finest post ever. ever!!!!

And you ended it perfectly with a new beginnings, baby bumps and a lovely wedding. Dude your creative juices must be effected by your baby hormone levels..it becomes you! ♥♥

Handmade in the Bay said...

You are looking gorgeous Heidi! Such a beautiful baby bump!
Huge hugs to you, your Gram is beautiful and so sweet! I remember the last time I saw my Nana, and the last time I spoke to her on the phone, last October. I keep thinking I can ring her, then I remember. I stole her foundation from her house, while we were clearing things out for her, I sit and smell it. It smells just like her.

Sian said...

aw Heidi what a beautiful post. You had me in tears, your photos show the beautiful bond between you and your Grams. I'm so sorry you will have to say goodbye.

I'm no photographer but I once did a friends weeding and my battery ran out. I had no idea is I'd brought a back up! Luckily I did. But It so could have gone the other way.

Also I think its perfectly reasonable to do very little before baby comes. Soon you will back in the throws of sleepless nights and fending. Rest Heidi you deserve it xxx

Maria said...

Missed your posts, Heidi. This one delivered. You look beautiful & your words about your Grandma..just
beautiful. Heartbreaking, too. She sounds like an amazing woman. Enjoy your weekend!

andrea said...

Beautiful, simply beautiful. Your granma sounds great. I'm glad you are back!

GraceesMommy said...

Came back for a second read..again..I am in love with this post. The side shot of your Gram is priceless in BW is absolutely priceless..you are blessed to have it.

I can't wait for the what's in your bag. I have a couple of lenses picked out but I am sooooooooooooo overwhelmed!! Have a good day Heidi and rub that bump for me!♥

cathy said...

enjoy this time!

xoxo
cathy

Shannon said...

You have the power to make me laugh and cry all in the span of a minute or two. ((HUGS)) That time with your Grams, you will cherish it forever. You have this gorgeous baby bump, and I love the new photos!

Angie said...

Yay, another post!! So glad you and the bump are doing well :) Sorry to hear about your grandma...she sounds hilarious! I'm sure you will cherish your special trip out to Michigan forever.

XOXO,
Angie from Ohio

If These Walls Spoke... said...

So glad to "hear" from you, you look so great :)

Becky at lifeoutoffocus said...

Way to tease me!!!! Monday it shall be. Love all stories abt you and your grandma.

Tali said...

love your blog, so happy i discovered it. your stories about your growing baby (and belly!) and your grandma made me cry.
feeling love and happiness for a stranger is a beautiful thing! thanks for sharing your stories with us.

The Manrings said...

yay for a new blog post! love the pics of you and your beautiful baby belly. got emotional reading about your grandmother...i know how special she is to you and she always will be. ohhhhhhh and the wedding pics are stunning. holy moly. lots of emotions heidi reading your words. keep resting pregnant girl. xo ps. text me when you want me to come over and we'll fold some serious newborn laundry and organize baby things! fun!

Jannice said...

brought tears to my eyes! Grandmas are so special :)
I had to laugh about the question about being pregnant and your butt. I love what kids say!! Enjoy your pregnancy! Take care :)

Katie said...

Tears. It is wonderful that you got to spend such quality time with your Gram. One of my biggest hopes is that my daughter has this kind of special relationship with my mom :)

Farmgirl Paints said...

This touched me to the core. Every time I see my grandma I just know it will be the last. She just turned 97 and is so frail. Thank you for sharing. You pictures were all so beautiful. I think you deserve to lay on the couch and just be.

SuperMilf said...

What a touching post!! And that last pic of the bride and groom is amazing!