mystery of life. {big news!}

how much do we really control of our own lives? i've been thinking a lot about this topic for a few weeks. we work, we plan, pray, and organize what we think we would like our lives to look like... at least the components of which that we think we dictate.

at an early age, our parents ask us what we want to be when we grow up. we look up at them with stars in our eyes and big dreams in our hearts, "a chinese food maker!" true story.

and then, after we work our way through freshman year of high school with a, "whew, i made it and it wasn't that bad," we go onto our sophomore and junior years learning about ourselves, our friends, our parents, and members of the opposite sex or sharks as my dad would call the boys.

in our senior year of school, inevitably there is someone on the Yearbook Committee that wants to include "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" within the pages of the school yearbook. quickly we tally up what our age will be in ten (holy shit, 28!) and we guess what we will be doing. i vividly remember thinking that my life would be half over at that point, i mean seriously, it's almost 30!

"In ten years, i will be a retired actress and working as a child psychologist. I will be married with 4 kids, a dog, and house with a white picket fence around it. I will be very successful."

You would think that i would have been more creative with my dream, but this is what i wanted at the time and at 28 i had my first baby, peyton. no, i am not an actress even though i attempted to be and i never did become an "official" child psychologist but i worked as a first grade teacher which is basically close enough... so i was pretty close, but completely right and i am learning that i do not control my future. i offer tidbits, suggestions but life just happens regardless of schedules or plans. this is both scary and exciting!

i love looking back at old journals and reading about my dreams and wishes and goals. sometimes it is hard to see the growth within yourself, but if you start reading a journal you began at age 15... you'll get hit with your own growth and...THANK GOODNESS for that!

if you haven't started a journal and have always wanted to... do it! it's amazing what you will learn about yourself and it's super amusing and a good way to learn how to laugh at yourself! it's priceless material.

*go and get any old journal and write in it for one minute each night (or more if you are so inclined), but one minute is not overwhelming and it's a easy way to document one great thing from your day! in my preteen and teen years, my journal was more of a rant at the people i was mad at and less of a gratitude, but it's tone shifted... growth, baby!*

i'm ranting, i'm ranting. i haven't blogged in so long, i have too many things to say and since this is supposed to be a small post, i will end my rant and talk about something special!

i've been a blog loser this summer. i have had a quiet blog and i HATE that, but what ya'll (my writing voice just turned a little bit country;) don't know is that i've had a really interesting (if you will) reason.

for starters, back in june...i thought i had a some horrible tumor that was going to cause my untimely departure from earth. i was sick constantly and all i could do was lay around and make excuses to my kids for not taking them anywhere.

to make this story shorter, i informed my mom that i was worried at which point...she did what moms are not supposed to do and scared me even more (love you mom, but ya did!)

"heidi, you haven't been feeling well, you need to make an appointment with your doctor tomorrow. promise me you will."

if you knew my mom, you'd know that she's pretty laid back and not much freaks her out, so basically i heard, you're going to die. and i heard this because, i'm crazy!

this went on for a couple of weeks and then i learned that life threw us a sweet little surprise (like never been more surprised or shocked in my life)...

we are having a baby!!!!

i guess drinking pickle juice by the jar and stuffing costco size olives with blue cheese and proscuitto and making it my breakfast, lunch, and dinner wasn't clue enough that i was growing a baby so one night around 11 at night, i peed on a stick and the positive sign nearly blinded me and bumped be off the toilet with it's news.

"OH MY GOODNESS, Oh my goodness. no way. i'm pregnant. oh my goodness!"

i ran to the kids rooms and hugged them and kissed them asleep. i needed these moments with just them, because soon enough, my two would be three and soon i would be a new mommy again. learning how to do it after so many years on 'easy street!'

if i saw a unicorn flying through the sky right now, i wouldn't be as surprised as learning i was/am pregnant. however, after a quick call to mom (who said she knew it all along;), my best friend, and sisters...it started to sink in!

...it's been a whirlwind of nervous and happy tears, morning sickness and

magic.

the magic that happens when you see your baby for the first time on the monitor and the technician says...

"see right there, if you look really closely, you will see your baby's heart beating!"

i see it! it's beautiful.

we are excited to meet our little one and i know when they place my baby in my arms for the first time, i will be looking at our sweet surprise knowing that life truly is a mystery and thank goodness for these gifts.

for now, i will freak out scrambling to pull together baby gear and get my house ready for Sweet Surprise. and for the most lovely part of this journey...doing this with peyton and beckham by my side. watching their faces as they stare at the monitor that shows our little alien in my belly. i will answer their questions, "mommy, will the baby have arms or legs?"

i love this part of our adventure!

a baby in the house again...!

for now, i keep looking at my two little ones trying to soak in as much of them as i can before Tagalong shows up. i can't believe our two will be three soon.

our girl is growing up and she is spunky and lovely all rolled into one sweet nugget.

we went to the beach for sunset a few nights ago and she made friends with a little boy on the beach and before i knew it, she was skim boarding in her clothes and she rocked it out! we are so proud of her!

i love how these two can argue and fight and drive me crazy one minute, but the next, converse and laugh like nothing happened. i love the way they look out for one another and love each other.

***

today was peyton's first day of first grade and beckham's first day of pre-k4! last year, it was so hard to let peyton go, but today it was different. she is an experienced student now after an exciting year in kindergarten! she looked confident and almost excited. very different from the sweet but nervous girl that clutched to me last year.

she waved goodbye and that was that.

beckham on the other hand, well, let's just say that i cried a few hundred tears as my friend, lindsay basically held my hand and said it would all be okay. beckham would love his new class.

"just wait, when you pick him up he is going to be so excited!"

beckham's nervous face.

beckham's brave face.

he did amazing. and he did love school. but he told me he missed me and asked if i could pick him up early tomorrow!

i love this kid. so. much.

***

a free tour through the naples fire station! it was...awesome and the kids loved it!

i thought i may fall over from a heat stroke (thank you kelle for taking my kids when i was too sick to have them, xoxox), but the kids got to ride in the truck which made everything perfect in their world!

Mystery is at the heart of creativity. That, and surprise.

~julia cameron

xoxoxo

i'm off to journal for one minute!

another post this week, as well as a giveaway that i keep talking about!

*** not sure why my paragraphs are smooshing together, but if anyone knows why i would love to fix it!!