Kaleidoscope

what's in my bag today!; a recipe; and an explanation of ignorance.

2012-01-24T07:19:00.004-05:00

so, i promised to explain why a photographer should never leave home to shoot an event without a backup camera.

and while this may seem like common sense to just about everyone and their brother, so is no texting while driving... we all need a reminder from time to time. every once in a awhile, somebody else's misfortunes will help another. so please, allow me to take one for the team and remind you... It Can Happen To You.

allow me to break down {my near breakdown} how One Very Smart and Somewhat Paranoid [her equipment will break down] Photographer, we will call her...heidi, found herself oooooohhhhhhh nooooooooooooing it with maybe a few more choice words after her camera's. SHUTTER. stopped. working.in. the. middle. of. a...WEDDING!

!@#$%

okay, let me take you back a bit...

it's four days after christmas. it was a lovely christmas, which i haven't blogged about yet! however, about two after the big day and the holiday season of photography sessions almost to an end, i crashed so hard that if my water were to have broken right there on the couch, quite possibly i would labored and given birth to healthy 20 pound baby all while sleeping through the whole thing. i. was. out.

i had been excited about shooting this wedding as i knew it was going to be an intimate affair, which are by the the way, my favorite kind of weddings to shoot!

a few days before and in between sleeping and eating...i charged all batteries, checked flashes, cleaned and packed extra memory cards, dusted lenses, packed my new AWESOME bag, and yes, it is as great as everybody says it it. i packed my second bag with additional lenses, cloth to wipe down lens faces, a bottle of water to stave off dehydration and a small ziploc bag of raw almonds. i included a list of creative ideas i had been inspired to come up with throughout the the last few months and...i felt pretty good except for one thing.

i didn't have a backup camera. i usually do have one when i need one, but this time i didn't because it had stopped working some time earlier. the original plan was that my best friend and amazing photog was going to be with me to shoot the wedding. it was a long ride and i wanted the company, so we thought we would make a day of it. a few hours of shooting and a few hours of playing around the fishing village we were going to be located.

well, i guess this is where i can blame everything on her, LOL! totally kidding. because, she went away on a surprise birthday trip to michigan that weekend and there went my backup camera.

the night before the wedding i had this horrible feeling that something bad was going to happen the next day.

would i get into a car accident?

would my camera break during the wedding?

these were the two thoughts that kept looping through my head all night and day of the wedding.

when i talked to jeff about it...he blew me off. "heidi, you've had a hundred shoots in the last two months and nothings gone wrong. why would it now?" so, maybe i can blame it all on him?!

nah, can't pin it to anybody but me. it was all me. i take it!

his logic did seem to put me at ease. i had had 13 photography sessions in december and even more in november. hadn't had one problem. why would something happen now? at a wedding? smack in the middle of two people's most important day?

so, i carried on with the shoot with the thinking that yes, i should have a backup camera but since i don't, there is no reason to believe that anything will happen today of all days.

i drove an hour to the wedding clutching my wheel as if the tires were going to blow at any moment. when i finally made it to the wedding location, i realized i had been so nervous on the drive up, that my breathing was weird . i finally, let out a long and relieved breath and i said out loud...to myself because i guess i'm crazy like this,

you made it. you are here. you will rock out this wedding. you know what you are doing, now do it! and right after that a simple prayer,

"dear god, thank you for getting me here safely. please, if something bad happens to me today, please see my kids through it and if something bad happens at the wedding today, please see me though it. i love you. amen."

then, i called jeff and kelle and said..."something doesn't feel right."

kelle said, "you will be awesome. you are never like this. promise you will be fine."

i didn't believe her but i carried on and started doing and enjoying my job. the light was beautiful, the bride and groom were in love, and i heard some birds singing in the background. it was a good day. i was in my groove and i FINALLY relaxed. nothing bad was going to happen! i was a freak.

after i completed the first look photos and the ceremony, thank goodness for that, i was smack dab in the middle of taking the family formals.

the handsome groom and his beautiful mother were standing arm in arm, soaking in the moment when...

ERROR 30

all i could hear was the horrible sound of a shutter that wouldn't budge. people around me seemed unaware of my near nervous breakdown as i tried several times to revive my lifeless camera. i dropped to the lawn and began CPR on my beloved canon 50d. i tried powering off my unit, changing batteries, memory cards. i think i even kissed it and promised it french fries after the wedding.

dead.

when i knew i had to look up and face the confused groom and his mother, i was overcome with fear and guilt.

i started kicking my own butt. it was my fault. i knew better than to not have a working backup. now, i would have to tell them everything was going to be okay, but i didn't know how it was going to be.

i felt the soft, and suddenly cold, damp grass on my knees and realized that all i wanted to do was cry and run away. i quickly recovered. this was their wedding. i had to do something. fix it. make it better. i was heidi darwish photography...memory catcher. it was up to me because they were depending on me. i hoisted my big self off of the ground and calmly walked over to the bride. i explained what was going and i ended it with, "everything is going to be okay. i'm going to figure this out."

she should have slapped me right there, scolded me for being so irresponsible, started crying and told me i ruined her day. the most important day of her life so far. but she didn't...

"oh, it's okay. you know what i'm thinking...thank goodness you got jon and mine's pictures earlier. that's all i care about!" then she flashed me a huge smile and said it was okay.

was she an angel bride? god sent her to me that was all i knew. her understanding and excepting manner only made my mission to save the moment all that stronger.

suddenly, my adrenaline was pumping throughout my body and i could hear my own heartbeat. i saw someone i knew across the lawn...she was a guest at the wedding and also a friend and client of mine...

she just bought an slr camera for christmas, don't know what kind, but i'll ask if she has it. if she doesn't have one, i'll move on to other tactics.

i ran across the lawn...picture hugely pregnant person racing across a field in the florida heat. it couldn't have been a pretty sight.

"leah, do you have your camera with you?"

"yes, but i forgot my battery! why?"

i wilted.

"my camera just stopped working. please, can you grab your camera and let me see if my battery will work in it."

i knew it was not going to work, but i wasn't sure what else to say or do.

she pretty much RAN back to the hotel, grabbed her camera and ran back to me. while i was waiting with her husband, he said it would be okay while he was stirring what looked like to a mojito. it was icy green and i, in my bewildered and desperate state of mind, pregnant too, thought it would be a normal thing to grab the drink out of his hand and begin gulping it down my throat.

no, i didn't do that, but it crossed my mind and that was bad enough.

leah comes back and hands me her camera.

GET THIS...YOU will NEVER believe this....

IT WAS THE SAME CAMERA. it was my camera. a canon 50D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what were the odds of this?

my battery fit, my cards, it was a perfect match. i made out with leah, promised her my next child, and a free photo shoot and ran away with her camera to pick up where i left off with the bride and groom.

i had an hour left of shooting and it went off without a hitch.

can you believe it? my story ended well, but it could have been so. much. worse. i get chills whenever i retell this story and i think it's good to tell it. to remind people, myself what can happen.

also, intuition. listen to yourself. if i had really listened to myself, things may have been different.

we lost about ten minutes of shoot time, but it could have been worse.

i'm pretty sure HE did see me through this.

so... in a nutshell...get a backup camera. if you are shooting any kind of event...it's worth the investment!!!

***

i have to leave, so i will quickly let you all know what it is in my bag at the moment:

I have a Canon 50 D which will soon be my backup camera as i will be ordering the Canon 5D mark ii or whatever canon decides to come up with in (crossing fingers) march. yes, there are rumors out there that canon is bringing out another camera to replace the 5d mark ii. these are rumors, so if they do not...the Canon 5d it will be because that camera rocks my world. i have shot with it before and it's ahhhhhh maaaaaaa ZING!

my favorite lens evah:

Canon 50mm 1.2 L

(used to have the 1.4 and i LOOOOOVED it)

Canon 85 mm 1.8

LOVE. super buttery bokeh.

up until yesterday, i had the Canon 24-70 L 2.8.

loved it's wide angles but was not happy with the sharpness, so i am shopping now for either the

16mm prime lens

or the 16-35mm.

i'll let you know which one i go with.

last lens:

Canon 70-200mm 2.8

so, let me just conclude that i didn't start out with l series lenses. i worked my way up. when i started making money, consistent money, i would save to buy for a lens that i wanted. i have sold lenses that i no longer use and made up some of the money that way too.

i started with a 50mm 1.8 and worked up to a 50mm 1.4. if i had a little money to spend and wanted to practice shooting and yield good results, then the 50mm 1.4 is like the best bang for your buck!

i have to run, but if you have any questions, email me at heididarwish@gmail.com and if i can help out...i will!

***

and because i am wanting to post some photos of my babies and i don't have time because i have a baby appointment, here is one...

shot with my little point and shoot camera!

and here is one of Tagalong:

at 31 weeks!

xoxoxoxoxxo

happy shooting!

oh and the recipe for my citrus rolls that i have been asked for, i posted last year. here is the link...enjoy!

xoxoxox

a photographers, OH NO!; a big ass; and feeling blessed

2012-01-20T20:28:00.003-05:00

i'm just going to keep it extremely real here...i have no excuse for not posting a single syllable or megapixel of a photo in nearly three weeks, but i can tell you...i've probably been eating...or sleeping...or making some random excuse as to why, "i just can't. I just can't get off of this couch unless the house in burning down."

i am so tired. i have been so tired. blessed with a slew of amazing people who wanted me to take their photos for the holiday season, i have finally granted the fatigue to wash over this hugely pregnant body like a wave might slap you in the face, when you didn't know it was coming and it leaves you breathless and unable to save yourself. gasping...for...air...

yes, i let the proverbial handsome *lifeguard, carry me to shore and take care of the rest. my *husband has been amazing...he's taken over many things that i have stopped doing and has basically just walked on by the big hump of a {beautiful} belly-lounging in bed with not much more than a cock of his head to one side and a chuckle. a chuckle that i am assuming can only LOVINGLY mean, 'could you be more useless?'

but he doesn't say those words...instead he usually offers me a skinny cow ice cream sandwich with a chaser of orange juice, shaken-not stirred poured over crushed ice.

yes, sleep, oj, and ice cream sandwiches may as well be a free trip to paris in the spring. at this moment in time, i can't imagine loving anything more than these three luxuries. well, maybe a chocolate filled croissant.

so, after trying to catch up on just about everything this these last few days...i started feeling a tad overwhelmed. i felt the cold and unmistakable feeling of sadness start to creep into my mind. with only 6 more weeks left to prepare, i started to feel like maybe i hadn't been organizing my time wisely and had possibly taken on more than i could chew. i stopped sleeping well; i hopped around the house like a bunny looking at all of the piles of crap i had to deal with...clean out this closet and that one; paint that, distress the other; spend quality time with the kids; cook A meal, get those photos out; answer those emails; call back...my list is growing and i'm about to put out an all call to my sisters and mom to please get out here asap to help me not lose my mind.

i was in the process of losing my mind and my delightful personality-until i woke this morning and started laughing at how RIDICULOUS i had been allowing myself to feel. i have absolutely nothing to be upset about. it's laundry and cluttered closets...how bad could it really be?!?!?! i decided...not that bad.

i reminded myself that i couldn't be happier about what is about to happen to us in such a short time and i don't want to spend my last few weeks of life-as-we-know-it feeling all overwhelmed and stressed. besides...boooo hooooo- i've got nothing to complain about...really...

LIFE

GOOD.

our bean is growing

the doc said the baby is a tad on the small side, but i'm not worried. both of my babies were on the small side and my lower half will be happy about that when the time comes to, 'bear down!"

i haven't seen my feet in a long while

and i'm loving every single second of this little miracle.

i don't want this pregnancy to end...i know it has to but i just love feeling this little body move around in the tight space that it has left. it is even more magical this time, but only because it is tangible right now. soon, i will almost forget what it's like. time will dull the memory, so i will savor each and every last nano second of this baby belly as i know it is my last.

***

a few weeks ago, i went to michigan to see {and say goodbye} to my sweet, sweet gram. i am told that she will not likely make it through january, so i flew there last month while i could still safely fly.

i went home with one goal in mind: to enjoy my grandma and to spoil her rotten, like she used to my sister and i when we were little.

the plan:

a sleepover and all that goes with it short of spin the bottle and new kids on the block tapes playing over and over again.

i had big plans... to do her hair and make-up, paint her nails, watch a girl movie and eat like there was no tomorrow.

we didn't get to all of that, but we did laugh

we did eat

we dug up old photos of old boyfriends

and maybe an ex-husband (and our gramps) too! she ripped him to pieces in the most loving and hysterical way...the way someone might if they've known someone forever and when their words have no consequences or any real mallice...it's just plain funny! she is one funny lady!

she felt my baby move.

don't let the above photo move you to tears...she was super annoyed at me for trying to get her to feel the baby move when it was moving... it would stop each time she placed her cold hand on my tummy. however, i was determined to get her to 'touch' that baby. to connect with him or her just once.

"um heidi, i think you are a crazy person. the baby is NOT moving!!!"

i looked over at my sister and declared defeat with my eyes and then we started laughing like we were in the audience of america's funniest home videos. gram didn't know what was going on, so she just started laughing too.

my story will always be that she felt the baby move that day.

life is constantly changing

babies turn into toddlers and then school age children

young and vibrant matures to experience and wisdom

(mom, gram, and i)

and in some ways...more beautiful.

i said my goodbyes to my grandma over at our favorite mexican food restaurant. i didn't actually say goodbye, but i know it will be the last time i see her. i ran to the bathroom that day about every ten minutes to have a good cry in the bathroom stall that i feel i have a relationship with now.

each time i returned, my gram looked at me and said something hysterical...

"heidi, why you sure are getting fat! ha, your butt is getting big!"

and when i would start singing christmas music at the table to keep the mood light, she would look at me with one of her, what the hell is wrong with you faces and say something like, "heidi, i think you need to stick with your day job!" and my personal fave of the afternoon was, "you are ruining my lunch!"

this new sense of humor comes from the place she is in now. i think it lets her be a little more free with her thoughts and words and i couldn't have been more honored to be there and to let her tear into my sister and i and then, the next breath...laughter. laughter that didn't seem to stop the entire lunch. it was a unique and special way to end our physical time together. over beef enchiladas, extra brown gravy and double rice, no beans. we laughed and loved and my heart said a sweet goodbye to the woman who has shaped a lot of who i am today. i'm not ready to say goodbye, but i will when i have to. until then, i know she's always good for a real laugh.

i call my gram throughout the weeks now, and she sounds amazing. she sounds like herself most days and i find myself praying for a miracle, but if i don't get to ever hold her hand again, or breath in her smell...pond's cold cream and estee lauder eau de toilette...i know i'll always have the times we have spent together. and in talking about gram; i know that will call her first thing in the morning because i miss her so much. i'll probably tell her that peyton asked,

"mommy, when there is a baby growing in your belly and your belly gets big, does that mean your butt grows too?"

i think she'll like that one;)

***

and to end tonight's post even though i could go on forever, let me tell you a little story in a nutshell

{i will give you all of the gory details in the next post which i PROMISE will be on monday}

especially if you fancy yourself a photog, like myself...

NEVER EVER SHOOT A WEDDING OR MAJOR EVENT WITHOUT A BACKUP CAMERA...ever!

for now, i will share with you the BEAUTIFUL bride and groom, Jon & Lesa. i had the pleasure of capturing their big day a few days after christmas.

can i just say, this bride is as amazingly beautiful inside as she is on the outside. i have never met a more thoughtful and kind person on their wedding day. a day that should be all about the bride, she constantly thought of others, including me.

lesa and jon, thank you for making my job, if you can call it that, so enjoyable and fun!

here is your sneak peek of your First Look:

lesa and jon opted to see one another before the ceremony and i'm so glad they did. the bride and i found a hiding spot in the woods and waited for jon to spy his girl in the white dress...

and my favorite...

because you can see how much she loves her man.

XOXO

***

on monday, what's in my bag...because i've been getting asked that lately and my photography horror story and my recipe for my citrus cream cheese rolls!

Twas' the NIght Before Christmas...

2011-12-24T16:15:00.002-05:00

not a creature was stirring...except for mommy looking for a midnight snack and a bottle of tums. the stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that daddy wouldn't fall asleep before filling them with little gifts and fruit!

the children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads. and me in my maternity sized christmas plaid pajamas and daddy now under the covers, are supposed to be settled down for our long winters nap...about 3 hours sleep if we are lucky...

our 2011 christmas mailer. i wish i could send one to each and everyone of you.

i'm sitting here basking in all that will be tonight. rudolph is sure to do a fly by after we lay out our reindeer food; daddy will read the Night Before Christmas and peyton and beckham will leave out their christmas list and freshly made and decorated with love cookies for santa, and carrots for the reindeer.

i'll make weird smiley and excited faces at my kids while my husband ushers them quickly to their room to change into their christmas pj's, brush their teeth and tuck them into bed.

we will wait all of 10.3 minutes before puttiing on our fave tunes and turning the darwish home into santas workshop! i can't wait for tonight!

i'll bake and prepare for our annual christmas breakfast...citrus cream cheese rolls and frittata and the 5 other things we think we need, but don't. sito, gido, umo joe, and auntie heather will arrive bright and early and we will watch my little ones excited faces.

beckham will jump up and down at the smallest and most simple of gifts! he'll run and hug us like he's never seen a hot wheels car before. his spirit and appreciation always makes me happy and grateful for the little life jeff and i were blessed to create.

peyton, will be a bit more reserved, as i was as a child. she will smile, but she'll take it all in and wait for her brother's enthusiasm to stick to her before running around. she'll help pass out gifts to everyone in between opening her own. she'll be honest about what she thinks, which will have me cringing and giving her a lecture, but in the end she will hug and kiss each family member and take her gifts upstairs and start playing with them. i love that she knows what she wants. i learn from her in that way and her sensitive spirit reminds me to be the same.

i'll get sappy and look around at the small family jeff and i have created and a pang of thankfulness will cover me like the warmest blanket ever made.

our tunes will be playing softly in the background, the house will smell of cinnamon rolls , and i'll hear the oohs, ahhhs and laughter and think to myself, 'this is love! this is my family. we are doing it! we are so lucky.'

and i know how it will all happen because it happens the same way every year and it's perfect. a little stress, but hard work and a huge helping of family tradition and love and it's just the way it should be.

and this year is extra special...

kells, thank you for these beautiful memories. love you.

because this baby is already making me so happy. with every kick, hiccup, or butterfly move...i fall more deeply in love with the little one growing inside of me. it won't be long now and i can't wait to breathe in this little baby and tell him or her to it's face how long i've been waiting to meet him/her.

i dream of the moment 100 times a day which is like giving myself a 100 gifts a day. i'm stuck between not wanting it to end because i love being pregnant. even the hard days are good because it's like living in a magical world for ten months and i really don't want it to be over.

we are all excited and maybe a bit nervous too, but i know 2012 is going to be an amazing year.

feeling the love right now and loving all of my family and friends and blog friends too... you all have a special place in my heart.

"...Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

oh, and one more thing...

walking to my box each day is more like a waddling sprint to the box...i practically rip the mailman's arm off before i flash a smile and mumble good day before i bust a sprint into the house and tear open each envelope and gaze at all of the families in front me. thank you for the greetings...they make my holiday so much more exciting! i have lines of mailers and one wreath full and if you don't see your holiday photo giving my home a a little bit more holiday cheer...it's because you didn't send one...and i'm not happy about it;)

have a happy christmas or any other holiday you may celebrate. going to enjoy cooking and my family and a visit from santa...in our home...tonight!

xoxo

the blues. the jolly. bring it all. {i'm ready} it's christmas!

2011-12-07T18:13:00.011-05:00

okay. i haven't posted in over a week. i'm going to just throw it right out there...things have moving like a runaway train these days. i am more behind this year than i have ever been before and if your a reader of this blog, you probably know that this can be a regular occurrence. with the holidays quickly approaching and clients wanting memories captured and me wanting to stay atop our family holiday traditions, it feels as if i've been run over by a herd of santa's reindeer and left for dead. i'm thinking i'll be fully recovered, along with every other parent, around february or march of next year!

with the disclaimer behind me, i love how wonderful it feels to be sitting at my desk in the living room. my macbook is blindingly illuminating the space and peyton, who has been running an average of a 103 fever all day has finally cooled off, after my calm and collected call to the pediatrician. the polar express is on and beckham is outside with jeff playing what they are calling football. i call it scary. i about tackled the neighbor boy he was playing with after he pushed my little guy to the ground, but jeff saw my reaction and quickly explained, "it's touch football." my reply, "i don't like football!"

i guess i'll have to learn to like a lot of things as these babies grow up. it's part of the deal!

i think i've been fighting a small case of the blues. i've heard of the holiday blues and i'm sure it's a very real thing, but it's not that. this season has kept me afloat of all that is has and will offer in the coming weeks. the magic of it all is very real to my babies and i love to see a little bit of the belief in their faces each day!

my grandma is getting sicker. i've been hearing that she may not make it past january. it's been a week since i received that call so i've been trying to adjust to that news. i knew it was coming. i was trying to prepare. i'm not sure if it's possible to do so. i was in a dark place for a few days. not outwardly depressed and crying. i go about my normal day. the kids and i have been doing christmas crafts and just...living. and i'm happy. but i'm angry. angry in a way i've never been before. i'm pretty sure it's a step in the grieving process, but it's been tough.

and i'm sure if one more person tells me to be positive about the time i have with her...i may snowball them to frozen-ess ...with that said, i'm trying to be. not being able to be there has been the toughest part of all of this so, jeff booked me a ticket to go and see her next week!

three whole days of cooking and laughing. playing cards (she'll win because she's just good at cards), watching movies and a sleepover spa night complete with mani's and pedi's. i'm so excited i can't stand it! so, with a little more bounce in my elf shoes than i've had, i'm ready to count my blessings in regards to my sweet gram and get to having fun and enjoy the time i will have with her next week.

until then, we will bask in all of the craziness that is christmas. we will start slowing down to do the things that i've putting on the back burner. on my to do list for this week:

1. make christmas cookies with the kids. a practice session before the real thing on christmas eve...santa's cookies!

2. frame this years christmas photo and hang it on the tree. dwish family tradition! if you do it, remember to include the year of the photo with puffy paint or sharpie pen.

3. write our letter to santa!

(oatmeal with brown sugar, pecans, and dried cranberries!)

we've been trying to infuse little bits of northern love into the house. we don't get the snow or crisp cool weather, but we try to make up for it with little deets here and there.

my favorite thing to use this year so far...

this twine. i'm going to do big things with it...i just need to figure out what. so far, it is what i am using to display our christmas mailers.

twine and cranberries. inexpensive and beautiful! for what seems plain during the day, at night turns into soft and simple things that make me so happy. i just light the candles. these candles i love and i just found them at walmart for about $2 a piece. hurricane vases were $7.

that and a page taken out of the Elf movie...paper chains, white lights, and snowflakes!

and for good measure, a christmas tree made out of veggies. add some dip voila, insta christmas cheer.

speaking of christmas cheer...someone's got it in spades...look what she did:

...she brought the north pole to us and our kids.

kelle rocked out a party like i've never seen before. it was like being at our own private disney world...on christmas steroids.

it. was. magic.

this face: belief. belief in santa and his elves and everything magic that goes with christmas and what a young girl should feel at this time in her life.

they made reindeer food...

and searched for an elves lost treasures...

yes, one of santa's elves were there. and the kids went nuts!

afterward we went into santa's workshop and had snow chilled milk and snickerdoodles.

and then it was a "The Night Before Christmas" reading before we hauled our sleepy ones home for their own 'long winter's nap.'

peyton fell right asleep , cradling Bunny. she loves that guinea pig...sadly, three days after this picture was taken, Bunny went to sleep and never woke up.

(i'm sorry you died. the guinea pig and peyton.)

the fallen expression on peyton's face when i had to tell her, i will never forget. there were lots of tears and prayers. begging and pleading for the guinea to wake up. it was plain sad.

i made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies to try and make things a bit better. i guess i reward my kids with food. it was very evident this day when i could think of nothing else but, "honey, want mommy to make you some cookies? then we can sit on the couch and watch Elf!"

she obliged, but first she wrote Bunny a note and then we buried him next to our house.

she cried off and on that night, and when jeff walked out late that night to get a drink, he found her like this

she walked down stairs and without saying a word, fell asleep...with her santa hat on. bless her sweet little heart.

the santa hat? oh, how i love that she put the santa hat before she fell asleep. i wonder what she was doing in her room before she decided to sneak down the stairs. was she playing an elf? just in a festive mood. i love her and her sweet and sensitive heart.

a chance encounter with a farm here in town... never thought i would say that, but who knew there was a real farm with animals and all about 10 minutes from the house. kelle found it and and called right away...dropped what we were doing to visit the the Winter Wonderland at the farm down the road! it was beautiful and such a treat. it was a school night!

lately in my grief and anger, i can forget to appreciate about how wonderful life really is. life does end and a good way to honor that truth is to enjoy the small, sometimes mundane and routine small and good things. it feels better that way.

things that make us extremely happy lately:

beckham's love for hockey and anything sport related. i'm not an athlete, but i love seeing him take after his daddy!

couple times a week i hear, "mommy, will you go outside and play hockey with me?" inside i grown a bit, but i go and every time we have so much fun. i hear the leader in him when he ecstatically jumps when i 'score' a goal or when he tells me softly that i have earned myself a penalty.

peyton learning and loving playing volleyball!

bonus: daddy is coach!

taking lots of video!

listening to christmas tunes, lighting candles, and watching peyton and beckham play near the tree, look for new ornaments that earlier had escaped their attention.

my favorite christmas find this year you can find here! k told me about this guy and i'm in love and i can't forget the familiar songs and tunes of these siblings!

and maybe my favorite thing to do these days,

dream about meeting this little one...

hi, baby! we love you so much.

at only 25 weeks here, we are smitten with Tagalong and all i want to do is to slow down and prepare for the arrival of baby boy or girl. i have big ideas for the nursery and i am finally starting to put to paper in preparation. for now, we go back and forth about what to name the baby. jeff's has some doozie ideas. more on that later, but between you and me i think he's lost his mind;)

we can't wait!

i know we hit the christmas gift jackpot with this baby and i don't ever want to forget how it feels to be me here, and now. sadness will come and it will go, but the happies in my life just don't stop.

happy holidays!

love to you.

until tomorrow...{pondering}

2011-11-21T22:47:00.008-05:00

i have a list...a long to do list. it seems to grow faster than i can draw a colored line of my choice through it. i know i am no different than anyone else, but i want to enjoy this season with my two little ones even more this year.

jeff and i stumbled upon our old videos of the kids recently. we watched a couple and as much as i enjoyed and hung on every single second of each video, my heart rejoiced in having the memories tucked safely away in a black cd case, but was heavy at the same time. it hurts a little to hear those little voices and little faces knowing you can never go back.

we can never get these moments back. it hit me hard long after jeff had gone to bed. i couldn't sleep. the next day i called kelle and tears ran down my face as i told her of the emotional night it had been to relive moments of the past.

she told me she understood and said that it can be hard for her as well but that it is supposed to feel that way. she made me feel better while being honest at the same time. "you can't go back, but watching them can remind you of what you want to do better with today!" it was good advice.

i was happy to hear that it wasn't just some pregnancy hormone pulsing through my body causing me to over analyze each thought, idea and emotion. it's normal to feel a bit of a loss when looking at those videos.

the next night, peyton asked me if we could see another video of when she was a baby and i made up some excuse as to why another night would be better. i lied. an innocent lie. the truth was, it was hard for me to enjoy the movies without thinking, 'did i do enough with them? did i spend enough time with them? did i lose my temper on those babies when i was exhausted and unshowered? did play with them enough, tell them i love them enough times so it stuck? praise them enough or too much, smile enough,...????

i was turning such beautiful keepsake memories into this doom and gloom crap and it sucked. i never wanted to watch another video again.

but i did, because peyton asked.

again, i looked for signs of good parenting but this time i cried happy tears at the baby voice i swore years ago, i would never forget. time and new happy memories softly fade cherished memories from the past. it's supposed to happen like that. it's like your brain making room for better things to come. it's also a reminder to take more video and snap more photos!!!

looking back at your children at any age less than what they are presently, must feel similar to anyone. i realize this little pang of wanting to go back will always be.

however, i've learned that watching these home movies of a time that seemed so innocent...two newbie parents just trying to do it right. learning together as a threesome, then a family four. a time when taking video was second nature because neither of us wanted to miss a thing. we were younger, had less grey hair and cooing over babies was all that was on the agenda.

watching these videos have now become a learning experience for me. to remind me that we all do the best we can. at any given time, we are all doing what we think is right.

now when i watch the videos, and we have been each night, we all laugh as a family at the baby talk of beckham and the dancing big sister. it's a chance to take a break from a life that seems to get busier as each child gets older.

no more heavy heart. now when i watch, i remind myself to be a little more like that younger mama in the movie. i'm proud of that mama. the me that used to spend most of my days down on the floor playing and loving and changing diapers. the girl who started off not sweating the small stuff. the little things i and i'm sure other parents eventually worry about when their kids are old enough to participate in other social acitivities. i've learned, it's just a phase and it will pass. i used to stress out that peyton wouldn't stay in her dancing class. all of the other ballerinas would sweetly mimic what the dance teacher would ask, but peyton would run out at any given moment to find me and cry that she wanted to go home. what's so wrong with that? she was three.

at the time, it seemed like such a failure on my part of instilling good independent skills and self confidence. i remember crying and googling ways to learn how to make her want to be a part of something other than me. the same thing happened with soccer.

none of it mattered then. she just didn't want to go. so what. i'm a little ashamed at the way i obsessed over it. now i wish she would hesitate before she ran off with a friend to play.

she's a normal little girl. beckham is a typical little boy. they all learn on their own time.

it's amazing what a little seasoned parenting can have on one's perspective. and when a heavy heart over takes a happy moment while taking a cruise down memory lane, it will quickly pass when you look at your children right along side of you...smiling at their younger selves. laughing and smiling. it's a reminder to enjoy. they are! i will too. learning from them...again.

until tomorrow tonight when i write a full post- this was just a little ponder.

please go take some video. your future self will love you for it.

life.

2011-11-11T00:37:00.002-05:00

the alarm goes off and i begin to mentally pry my eyes open to another day. they sting with revolt and my brain begins to play tricks on me. i think i'm awake and dressed, with hair and make-up neatly applied- a good day for me as i normally throw my hair in a pony and spend my morning primping my girl, assisting my little guy in brushing his molars correctly before i barely have a chance to get a decent breakfast in their mouths before we peel out of the driveway to make it to school before the second bells rings.

in reality, i'm still in bed and i've not done thing one yet. i stay in bed as long as i can and when finally my toes begin to tingle with the anticipation of leaving the safety and warmth of my bed to the cold, hard floor...i have to get up!

i can only imagine that most busy moms feel the same way. the joys of motherhood. the monotony of it all. the normalcy of it. the joy of it. it's comforting.

lately though, i have been popping out of bed. and even though my eyes still sting when the alarm goes off...my heart seems to beat a bit quicker and the urgency to get things going kicks in and i do it with more vigor and pep in my step than i have in years.

because, mornings are SO NOT my thing...this is a big deal for me. i'm sure it won't last past one day after Tagalong comes along, but i'll enjoy it while i have it. getting up early is like joining a new club of winners. people i have always admired.

it's the club that welcomes the dedicated employees who rush off to work each morning with coffee in hand and smile on face; the club that welcomes the running goddesses who wake up early to run before the baby wakes up for it's morning feeding; the same club that must be responsible for the good hair and perfectly styled outfit that is so effortlessly demonstrated by the parents who are walking by me in the morning from dropping their children off at school (on time)!

i've always wanted to be a real part of that club and i don't even like clubs. but the 'early morning' club is a group of motivated folks who gets the job done. i love them.

so, for me, i love this part of pregnancy. i am freaking out. i'm not going to lie. i. am. freaking. out. about so much about this little one i love so much already, but the side effects of a good freak-out are usually worth it.

i love is all the extra time we are cramming into ten months into spending with our two little ones. we love them so much and subconsciously and without even talking to each another about it...we are loving up these kids like their is no tomorrow.

in some ways we are probably doing something that any health care professional may say is damaging to our children, but i've said it once before and i'll say it again...we are doing what we think is best because what else can anyone do, right?!

my sister's family and my parents are in florida right now! they are almost never in florida, the cost of airfare sees to that, but they are here now and we are in disney world for a couple of days.

and i have so much to share, like my baby's 5th year birthday, but that will have to wait until i get home on sunday because i need to take some time and it feels like my eyes are going on strike if i don't shut them soon.

but i wanted to say hi.

normalcy makes me happy these days. i wanted to share. what 'normal' thing makes you happy or content?

a few photos:

family of 4 and beckham's first time experiencing magic kingdom. my FAVORITE thing he said all day:

after riding the Peter Pan ride on a 'flying' pirate ship,

"daddy, there really is magic here! there really is magic. it's soooooooo magic here. i knew it we were flying. we were really flying on a ship!"

his innocent and believing face is what stung my eyes that time, not exhaustion. bless his sweet little heart.

and my favorite peytonism of the day:

after she spotted the eiffel tower at epcot, she about leapt out of her seat and exclaimed...

"the eiffel tower, mommy! the eiffel tower. take me there, take me there!"

i'm not sure how she knows what the eiffel tower is or even where it is, but after we arrived in disney world, france she kept saying, "ooh la la, we've arrived in france!"

the kid makes me laugh.

23 week bump.

***

i have been extremely lucky to be so busy working and photographing babies and families. i find myself so blessed with a business that has grown over the last couple of years, and aside from this passion of mine that has allowed me to grow on many levels as a professional and creative woman...it is the friendships and bonds that have come from this work that i do that i find the most rewarding. so thank you to those who trust me with their memories.

i appreciate you.

i have been slacking on posting sneak peeks, so i am trying hard to post a sneak peek of all of my upcoming shoots providing the client doesn't want their photos kept under wraps for the holidays.

this family made an early saturday morning one of the most enjoyable ones i've had. they were kind and fun and this little face says it all...

nina, you are lovely little girl.

and mommy and daddy...

you two are gorge!

***

a little birthday love.

xoxoxo

happy 11.11.11

so...i'm happy.

2011-11-03T23:44:00.008-04:00

lately, you can find me weeping. full on weeping at the most random times.

driving my car home from a milk, egg, and cheese run; on the way to pick my kids up from school; sitting on the couch...alone; while talking on the phone, i could easily break into cry as easily and quickly as christina aguilera can jump to her 4th octave while changing into her whistle register (i googled that;).

i've been crying...but it's because i'm so happy! i'm not happy 100% of the time, but in general i just feel like a lucky girl. i guess i want to talk about it.

the other day my neighbor came to the door and after i opened it he said, "wow, are you as happy as you look?" surprised by his hello, i gave myself a little mental prop for appearing so happy and refreshed and when i really stopped to think about it, i looked happy because i was.

i'm not bragging my happiness around...i promise, i'm just happy that someone noticed and that my crying has not superseded the perception of my mental well-being. because sometimes, most times, i think i really could be losing my mind a bit.

i look to other moms in the hopes that, no i don't want anything bad to happen to them, but that yes, i would love to see a little teeny tiny breakdown of some sort. not the kind of breakdown that requires a psychologist, two neurologists, 5 xanax and a month of bed rest. no, i'm not evil.

you know the kind of freak-out i'm talkin' about. the exhausted, my-kid-pooped-in-his-pants-three-times-this morning-and-my-coffee-machine-broke-and-i'm-late-for-work-and-i look fat-in this-outfit kinda meltdown.

just a little something that reminds me that yes, i am normal...still. see, other good moms and wives crack-up for a minute or two...it's perfectly normal. we've all heard the old saying, misery loves company...which I HATE by the way because actually when i'm miserable, the last thing i want is miserable company, rather i will go looking for the nearest friend with a rainbow growing out of her bottom and tell her we need to go bake a pie or something.

my body is {growing} this tiny little human being that i can. not. wait. to. meet. what will he or she be like/look like/laugh like? where will i be when i hear he or she says, 'love you, mama!' for the first time. okay, gonna cry.

so growing out of my clothes...even my larger ones is all worth it, but those tears come to. that's not as pretty, but it's all part of life and learning and loving...blah, blah, blah!

what i'm really loving is this season and soon thanksgiving will be here and nothing excites me more than hanging with family in group settings. the kids will be bonding, telling secrets now because they are at that stage. we will eat and catch up and talk about the past and the future. yum. i can't wait.

i know my northern family members may differ on this thought, but i am missing the michigan fall and it's weather which warrants scarves, mittens, and layers of long johns over jeans!

i begged her to ignore the cold for one minute while i snapped one photo of them together...the next photo: after the promise of hot cocoa and cinnamon sugar donut. it works. no guilt on my part came with practice and consistency!

where happiness abounds according to b's face at least.

we soaked in the plethora of orange colored orbs that were waiting to be the 'chosen one!' and what is it about choosing a pumpkin that is perfect, in our own minds. of the four of us, we will shoot down ten pumpkins before selecting thee one. honestly, it's a fricking pumpkin. they're all beautiful in their own way. i need to relax! this advice will be heeded in regards to the choosing of the perfect christmas tree as well. CHRISTMAS TREE!!!!

we huddled together with mom and dad and then i ran as fast as i could to order my first cup of warm apple cider. nothing better.

***

birthday bowling with our michigan pals:

***

after the orchard...it was a hockey game. tickets courtesy of uncle gil...thank you, uncle gil!

and even though here in florida, we don't relish in the same kind of autumn environment, we do our best to have fun with it...

so we broke out the tools,

and set out to find the treasure within the pumpkin...

peyton wanted to use the timer on my camera to capture this moment of our family of four. it was a good idea.

the next day i visited peyton at school for her hat parade and when she spotted me in the crowd, she reached out to me...i suppressed an urge to cry (i think i may have a mental imbalance:) and grabbed her hand, happy that she still needs me to hold her hand when things get loud and crazy...i'm the one who can make her feel better, i won't always be the one, but on tuesday i was enough.

***

what's not to love about halloween. we get to dress up and walk around the neighborhood checking out the other kids and parents. it's good to be reminded that we are a part of a large community and every year i vow to be a better neighbor because i want to be the 'lady down the street,' that brings muffins and freshly cut flowers (out of my own garden) to new people, under the weather people,...but i'm not. i'm going to try harder...

we held our annual chili/hot dog feast before trick or treating. friends come over every year and i love the tradition!

the pumpkin was lit, the music was playing and the food was done...friends were coming

and when i heard one of the hubby's in the group say something softly but still loud enough for me to hear, i smiled and said, "what did you say?" and even though i already heard it once, it was exactly what was going through my mind at the time. he said, " oh, this is great. this is a great memory!" it was after he had greeted all of us with a hug and watched his wife hold their new son while smiling at his daughter. he was happy to be here.

:) felix.

my heart swelled, i may have teared up even. it made me so happy to see all of us together sharing some time together while our kids played star wars in the driveway and took the guinea pig for a mustang ride. that poor guinea.

friends, magic tricks...divine.

i think they ran the whole neighborhood this year.

afterward, the kids waited anxiously to hand out candy-

***

we had a safe night, but the next day it was back to work and while i am so blessed to be working and doing something that i love, it's been hard to juggle it all, but when shooting on a location at 7 am looks like this...

it rejuvenated me like nothing else has in a long time.

thanks, jenn for the pic!

and speaking of work... i have been so blessed with work this whole year. i haven't been posting sneak peeks on the blog for the last 6 months and instead have been posting them to facebook, but i want to get better at it and here is a shoot i did a few days ago.

megan, your sneak peek! it was such a fun morning with you and your handsome family!

these boys are ADORABLE...

and another sneak of my sister and her new husband, bobby!

and other photos that made me happy this week and captured with my iphone:

this girl and her budding style and attitude. i walked in on her sitting like this while eating her honey nut cheerios before school. she kept looking at her feet, crossed on the table. i played it cool but it's sweet to watch her grow up and care about what she looks like before she goes to school.

finding happiness, maybe contentment is a better word, has been easier these days...as it always is when their are so many things to look forward to.

feeling lucky lately.

i hope you find your lucky!

xoxoxoxoxo

a little slice of fall and letting go.

2011-10-26T15:43:00.003-04:00

what is it about a michigan fall that makes me think that anything is possible. when walking through the leaves, i can hear them crunching against the chilled the cement. that crunching makes me happy.

looking down and glimpsing the fall foliage, different colored leaves and their colors popping against the landscape. it reminds me how beautiful mother nature can be! these colors make me happy and the kids too. merely judging by the 'leaf angels' being made and the twirling going on by my daughter, i'm pretty sure the kids are enjoying the change in weather and environment as much as i am!

*baby bump toes. i can hardly see them without falling over and i still have 18 weeks to go!

the kids couldn't wait to get outside and make a pile of leaves and jump into them. unfortunately, it had rained for a few days before we got there, so we couldn't do that right away, but we did explore the grounds. well, the kids did most of that, i mostly breathed in every breath of cold, clean air that i could fill my lungs with at a time. it was so cleansing.

last year, we celebrated florida style, but this year we were lucky enough to be in michigan again this past week. my sister celebrated her marriage to the guy she loves, in the most beautiful of all times of year, fall. ahhhh, we love us some fall over here! more of my sister's celebration later!

the kids enjoyed cup after cup of hot cocoa (or coffee as they call it)

they collected leaves looking for the perfect one! sito monitored and told the kids how special each leave was.

letting go is hard to do. there are so many things that, as a parent, involve letting go. if you are a reader of this blog, you probably know i have a problem with it. especially when it has to do with the little ones in my life. these precious beings that i just love so much.

well, this time it's not about the kids, it's about the fact that i don't have my camera this week or last week for that matter and the one i used in the meantime, well, it wasn't mine. so i am letting go of the 'perfect' pictures. i put perfect in quotes because i am not saying by any stretch of the imagination that my photos are perfect. not even close, and i'm glad for that. not prefect means i will keep trying to become better at my craft!

however, i was ashamed at myself fro considering not posting the photos i took from the last couple of weeks because i thought they were not my best. well, i told myself to shut it and enjoy each moment this camera captured for me and my family. who cares how sharp or well composed a shot is? yes, those things serve there purpose during paid photo sessions when somebody is trusting you with their memories, but for home life...who cares. what matters is the memory!

it's not to say i don't enjoy doing and presenting the best i can, it's my passion, but the photo certainly does not take away one bit of joy from the moment. it adds, no matter how grainy or blurry. sometimes, i have to scold myself, but it usually works...a little. {wink}

one day, i'll look back at this post and wished i had posted more, however; the reason for a smaller post is i have lots of catching up to do and the kids want to make a pumpkin pie!

that is what we are going to do, but i will be posting again in a few days. i'm trying to enjoy more and stress out less about work and obligations. wish me luck on that! i want to spend more time with these little ones that i have all to myself for the next few months.

warm or cool weather...enjoy the season

and of course, if you want to up the ante, turn the thermostat down waaaay low, make a saucepan of hot cocoa, cover up with a blanket and watch an old movie on the Classic Movie Channel. works like a charm.

XOXOXO

{seven}

2011-10-18T20:00:00.003-04:00

our weekend was full of all of the fun stuff a weekend should entail...in my opinion! a weekend is a two day vacation that comes each and every week and even though, in the photography business, my weekends are often scheduled with a shoot or two...it's still a vacation. two days that mean my babies can sleep in and lounge around in their pj's.

hubby will get up before me and i'll pretend not to hear him stir out of bed and softly close the door behind him. i'll hear him gently inform the kids, "mamas still sleeping, shhhh! let mama sleep."

most of the time i'll wait for the plea of my littlest one, becks, "but i want MAAAAAAAMA!"

i'll try to ignore it and roll over on my freshly fluffed pillow, smile plastered to my face as i remind myself how lucky i am to get to stay in bed for these few extra moments. i think the 'not expected' aspect of the extra snoozes make these moments golden. special.

soon after the door closes, i'll hear pots and pans being shuffled and water running. orders being shouted...

"i want mine with only salt, no pepper, daddy!"

"i'll have pancakes, daddy!"

soon, a trickle of guilt will start to display itself to my wanna-be-slumbering brain and i'll get up. i'll get up to a generous showering of goodmorning hugs and kisses. it never gets old and i remember how blessed i am in that moment and i hope that that realization will last throughout the entire day.

peyton has started to divvy her kisses out like a toddler would 'happily' hand out his m&m candy. it's getting annoying.

this weekend however, was different because we celebrated peyton's 7th birthday (a week early) but special and fun just like that girl of ours!

kell, these photos are beautiful! thanks for running around and taking so many! xo

unlike other weekends, i did what any mother does the night before a party, i cleaned, baked, and made miracles happen in record time. i didn't sleep much, but i kept thinking about what would make her smile and that kept me going long after my pregnant body practically begged for a pillow and bed!

but...it was worth the excited voice i heard bright and early the next morning...

"goooooodMORNing everybody!" she sang it and i think my heart skipped a beat. it's no different on christmas morning. it's the not the material gifts, it's the other gifts. the promise of a day that's different from any other day. a day you know will be special no matter what because of the extra people around us. people who love us.

a birthday is concentrated on one person, but we all benefit from it's excitement.

we set the tables with painters cloth that i had from last years party (bought at home depot) and my babysitter and i decided to paint on them in order to save money on buying new themed decor... i love how they turned out and better yet...i can throw them in the wash and they will be a blank canvas all over again!

sarah, thank you for your help sweet girl! you are such an artist.

and all the happiness really begins for the birthday girl when the balloons make their debut!

the little details were not many this year, but they were colorful and made me happy!

we rented a waterslide this year because even though the calendar says it's the middle of october, it feels like the middle of june during the day but saturday was perfect. it was the perfect blend of breeze and sun...

and the friends showed up to help celebrate!

they splashed, waded, and slid.

we watched closely, laughed, and ate! to keep costs down, i came up with a super simple menu of noshes. for the adults i made ina's pumpkin cupcakes because apparently i can't get enough, and neither can peyton and for the kids, i made strawberry cupcakes with pink cream cheese frosting.

the kids ate pizza that i ordered out and the parents ate a fall inspired salad that i pieced together from several different recipes i was looking at for inspiration! the recipe is here and it is SOOOO good! we've been eating it for days now!

fall salad

i used a bunch of romaine and one head of iceberg lettuce. not two of my faves, but it's what i had on hand because i forgot, yup, forgot to purchase items for this salad before the birthday. i call it a pregnancy related accident.

i washed, dried and chopped the salad! i then added to the top, a cup of dried cherries ( cranberries would be perfect),

a cup of toasted and chopped walnuts (throw them in a pan and toast. watch that they do not burn bc they are pricey. i would hate to lose any and i speak from experience;)

and three diced up pears...the pears are the best part!

i served this salad with a side of blue cheese crumbles and dressing on the side! soooo good.

for the dressing:

6 tablespoons of apple-cider vinegar

6 tablespoons of orange juice

2 tablespoons of dijon mustard

3-4 tablespoons grade b pure maple syrup

salt and pepper

2/3 cup olive oil

whisk all ingredients together. dressing.

i had a little trouble with the dressing, so i just started adding an extra bit of this and that. i'm going by memory, so just be sure to try this as you go. i think salad dressing is one of the easiest things to 'fix!'

scurrying around was fun, but loving on the birthday girl, when she would stop long enough to let me, took the cake!

when it was time for everyone to leave, peyton wasn't ready, but she opened her goodies and the excitement began again, but my favorite moment was this because they are not always this nice to one another,

it went something like this:

"peyton, peyton open this one. it's from me. you are gonna be so so surprised. so surprised. i got it for you. i bought it at target! you are going to love it. it's from me. i picked it for you!"

period. the pride on his face and the happiness on hers!

"how did you know i wanted that, beckham?"

"i just did!"

happy birthday to our sweet girl! you have such a beautiful sensitivity about you. you are caring and loving, smart and analytical. we love everything about you and enjoy learning about the person you are and the woman you will one day be.

we feel so lucky to be your mommy and daddy and know that the coming years will be more special because that 'peyton' flair you bring! we love you. we like you. we are always here for you.

xoxoxo

***

and my other baby is kicking me and since i want to put my feet up and relish every flutter, i am off...

to enjoy this little 20 week bundle of love. no, we don't know what we are having because we want to be surprised!

what we do know is that it's healthy and that's all that i needed to hear!

happy fall evenings.

xoxoxo

looking for signs and moving out.

2011-10-06T22:41:00.002-04:00

i made a very short trip to michigan over the weekend. sometimes i pretend i am this jet setter, living a fabulous but far to chaotic life of arriving and departing different big cities. noshing on exotic but too expensive food and checking in to posh boutique hotels on a whim and without regard to price or time of stay.

obviously, i live the opposite of a jet setting life and even though i sometimes wonder what it would be like to live a different life than the one i do, but know i why i don't and why the trips i take are well thought out, planned, and saved for...

because this is my life, the part of my life that is precious and too far way...in michigan.

my 'other' home.

where grandma lives. where she LIVES!

gorgeous tawny and baby spencer getting freaked out by gram and her banana split lolli.

where sisters look after each other's babies as if they were their own,

the place where you my find my dad 'hiding' from all of the women in his life. after five daughters and a wife, he deals with us pretty well. not perfect, but he's getting there.

home is where all of my siblings live. we are a crazy bunch. i admit it. but there is so much love there. so much.

i wish i had just getting this one photo of all of us on video camera. it took about 10 frames, the camera changed hands a few times, everyone had an opinion as to where the photo should be taken, i needed to pee, heather was cold, and when her baby ran down the street with a bunch of balloons, elaina started laughing. when our brother finally returned from his disappearing act, the other look-a-likes took turns scolding him. poor guy. but we have a photo and the pains it took to get it will be worth it in 10 years!

i flew in for a special occasion...my sister taryn's bridal shower!

congratulations to bobby and my beautiful sister, taryn! even though you two sneaky ones ran off and eloped, we are still happy for you;) no, seriously, we love you both very much! and bobby, when i saw you fixing my dad's screen door that night at the shower...i knew taryn had made the right choice:)!

the next day, i hightailed it to see grandpa. he promptly demanded we go somewhere he could blow his diabetes/sugar numbers all to hell and i obliged.

happily obliged in my own glass pedestal of guilt with an extra bit of cinnamon on my rice pudding for good measure.

i must admit though, the best part of sharing a rice pudding with gramps, isn't the pudding. it's the stories he tells about the rice pudding as he eats it. they are the same stories he tells each time we eat it, but i listen like it's the first time everytime.

"you know, i used to take all the kids to get the best damned rice pudding i've ever had in my life every single week. yes, it was a place in dearborn. what's the name of it now? dammit, i can't remember the name of it now. well, i think it closed anyway. you know who used to make great rice pudding and fudge?"

who, gramps?

"your grandma. yeah. she did. she used to make it for me all the time. i never shared it. hell no."

and so my jet setting life will have to begin in another lifetime, because no offense to fabulous food and ultra modern swanky european hotels everywhere... my small travels to only 5 states away always feels so right.

and although i was a little early to experience all that a michigan fall has to offer, i took advantage of the weather and used my nieces swing set to fly high and it was better than i remember. and since in my pregnancy state of mind, i forget everything...i left my camera in florida, so my broken iphone cam had to do.

and with a her first grade year going strong, we are finally striding or stumbling through something resembling a schedule. and since i don't do well with schedules, it has been a learning experience for both of us. bless her heart though, she is really trying to be more independent and i'm trying to learn to let go a little more and encourage her everyday.

that sweet girl is so much like me that i have to remind myself that she we are not the same people. i went in to her class to help the kids make carmel apples and afterward i stayed to have lunch with her. i wasn't planning on it as i had a gazillion things i needed to do, but i distinctly remember thinking her eyes were almost desperate when she asked me to stay. so i did and i was so glad that i did.

i was greeted with this smile when she found me waiting in the lunchroom. it's a grainy photo, but she is wide smiling me while running into my arms as if she hadn't seen me just ten minutes prior.

inside my head, i'm applying my proud mama cape. i'm not gonna lie about it. after all, i put that smile on her face with my mere presence. it was easy and i love that in this stage of her life, i have that kind of power because one day i may hardly get a kiss goodbye before she heads out to be with her way-cooler-than-mom friends.

she entertains me with her best version of a walrus using french fries!

i love this little girl so much that i wish i could bottle this day up for her and sprinkle some of it's magic on her when she's having a rough day, not so much now, but in the future during her teen years when she may forget how much she loves us.

and as are saying goodbye to many days like this...

we welcome and anxiously embrace days that beg for a hot bowl of homemade soup...

fall has arrived and it's lovely!

this is a leek. in case you didn't know, like i didn't a few years ago and let's just say i didn't come home with a leek.

Not my mom's Potato Soup

because her potato soup is the best evah...but i don't have that recipe

you are going to need:

half pack of bacon, about 6 slices cooked then chopped up

2 large leeks

3 cloves of garlic, chopped up

2 large potatoes, peeled and cut up

4 cups of lower sodium chicken broth

1 1/2 cup water

3/4 cup of heavy cream

half bag of frozen corn, about a cup

half bag frozen peas, about a cup

fresh or dried thyme

a bunch of fresh italian parsley

two tablespoons of flour

a lot of pepper in my soup and some kosher salt

1/4 teaspoon smoked paprika...this optional and start out with less rather than more. taste as you go!

Using the fat from the cooked bacon, about two tablespoons and one tablespoon butter, add the leeks and garlic to the dutch oven and cook until they are soft, maybe 5-7 minutes. add two tablespoons of flour and stir in with garlic and leeks. quickly add broth, water, potatoes, salt and pepper. cover and bring to boil. then reduce the heat and let simmer until pots are soft. i covered the pot or partially covered it.

add the heavy cream, bacon, more salt and pepper and cook for another 10 minutes.

if you want to thicken the soup, you can mash some of the potatoes and throw them back in the pot or blend some of it and return to pot. i was too lazy to do that but i've done it in the past!

eat it up! super easy and satisfying too!

***

sometimes when i am thinking i'm doing something right with these kids...

evident of course by their sweet dispositions, perhaps a stellar evening in manners being demonstrated without multiple reminders, or just laughter and getting along for longer than one justin bieber tune. sometimes the stars align and i'm all high on myself. it doesn't happen often if i'm telling the truth, but when it does, my happy mama flag flies really high.

however, there is a flip side.

behold, the day peyton and becks moved out.

it was a sad day indeed and when peyton looked at me with anger pulsing throughout her face, i felt like someone had climbed up my flag pole and ripped my proud-mama-moment-flag down...in front of me...with an evil smile...and a shrill cold little laugh,

"i'm moving out and i'm going to find a different mama. that's it. i'm leaving!"

i was shocked.

"what? you are moving out? where? why?"

"I'm going to live in michigan. i like the weather better. ANNNNNDDDDD beckham is going with me!"

becks lowered his head when i looked at him, "beckham are moving to michigan with peyton today?"

i was SHOCKED when he softly answered, "yes i am going with peyton."

"how will you get to the airport. it's really far away and it will be dark in a couple of hours. i'm not sure it's safe to walk on the highway, in the dark alone."

without skipping a beat, peyton said, "i am taking my own car. my mustang and if it rains i'm going to take my umbrella."

my heart was broken even though i knew they weren't going anywhere. what the hell had i done to piss her off to make her opt to go to the airport alone and in the dark and in a lightening and thunder storm no less? i told my pathetic self to shut up after that thought.

i remember the first time i moved out of my house. i was 7 years old. i'm not sure why i was so upset and punishing my mother, but i packed a bag with coloring books in it. no jacket, no food or water.

i remember stalling, wanting my mom to beg me to stay, but she didn't. now i know what it was i saw on her face. instead of being shocked, she was amused.

she let us leave (i formed an alliance with my sister, heather as well. if i was leaving, i was no moron. i was taking someone with me.)

we walked three houses down to the corner and decide to move into the bush on the corner. we climbed inside, apparently my fear of spiders hadn't kicked in yet, and set up shop. i don't remember seeing mom for a while , but i'm sure she knew where we were. after all of i'm sure, 15 minutes...we moved back in with our parents. a word was never spoken about why we were back home. my 7 year old brain surely translated it to mean, "i'm so glad you are home!!!"

so with my 4 and 6 year olds packing everything they owned into brown bags, plastic bags, backpacks and placing them at the bottom of the stairs, i gave in to the mess i would have to monitor for clean up later and let them keep going.

peyton is much smarter than i was though, girlfriend packed two ziploc bags of food and she LABELED them. i was proud of my baby for that one!

finally, peyton packed her mustang up and helped beckham load up his motorcycle. it was time to go and after peyon macgyvered her brothers umbrella, they were to set off.

but first, they needed me to guide them out of the garage and i have to say, they were not wavering.

i told them they had to go now because it was getting late and it was starting to rain and i wanted to make dinner. i gave them each long kisses and hugs. i asked them both if they packed extra undies and a rain jacket and i walked into the house.

and as the rain started pouring down and the lightening started cracking...their plan started to unravel.

but let me ask you a question. does these kids look like they want to leave mama?

uh, i don't think so.

i could eat those faces up they are so cute.

needless to say, they ran back to the house. i told them to start unpacking and that i was so happy that they decided to live with us again. i was given hugs and kisses for the rest of the night.

and a few 'i love you' gifts later that night!

so for now, we are falling it up

cooking up a storm...and since we have all been sick at different times during the last two weeks, making chicken soup has become a full time job.

and with that, a new sandwich that was sooo good.

i was making chicken stock and i had some cooked chicken just sitting out, so i made me a snack it was delicious...

chicken and pesto sandwich

take a small roll/ciabatta/french whatevah ya got!

put shredded chicken from a rotisseri chicken on one side of your bread, swipe the other side with lots of pesto, add some greens, arugula is a fave but anything you like. fresh parsley, sliced toms, red onion if your into it, salt and pepper. you could add mayo too, but i didn't.

yum. easy sandwich to go with your chicken soup!

however, you enjoy your days

it's the normal stuff i am finding i like best. finding the happy there is easy and the most special. so if your having a rough day, and i think 'rough day' has been my middle name for the last 18 weeks, maybe try...

fort making. a mess of pillows and quilts. imagination and faces to love.

or dress up...

xoxoxo

signing off but not before i congratulate the giveaway winner: karly jaco!

karly, please send me your contact into to heididarwish@gmail.com

the mode known as: survival. {& a giveaway]

2011-09-26T17:07:00.004-04:00

no, no...it's not really that bad and truth is i'm really sick of myself saying i'm not feeling well but if you walked into my home right now, you would find my ottoman covered with mini skyscrapers of folded laundry...that jeff folded. i can see dust under my television and the crayola crayons that have been tossed into my shaggy rug by a certain small one, are being crunched in half each time i walk through the room. two lunch boxes from today have been removed from their backpacks, been reopened and ransacked for the uneaten bits of orange slices and white cheddar cheese puffs.

normally, i would prepare a snack for the kids, nurturing their little bodies with a somewhat wholesome snack to welcome them home from school- but not the last few days. it's all for himself around here lately. i think i have found the key to making your child more independent- stop guessing their every want and need and let them do it on their own. it wasn't my plan, but my throbbing head housing yet another migraine and the inevitable nausea that follows has made it nearly impossible to do what i want to do and that is feel strong again and start enjoying this new season with my babies!

feeling a little under the weather, but that makes my babies cling even more. and i love it. i mean they are crushing me of course, but i love it;)

no pity though, don't feel sorry for me because i have only the BEST of reasons for feeling like death on a saltine cracker. my little bean is growing and in between the feelings of fragility and an almost desperate need to feel like myself again, i am content with the little one, which by the way is the size of an turnip right about now, growing quickly within me. five inches of perfect baby all nestled up warm and safe and i can only assume ready for fall and all of the joys this season will indeed bring; sugared donuts, turkey dinner, apple cider, crisp leaves and cold air...i'm ready for a trip to michigan but if you live in a warmer climate, here is my trick...

turn down the thermostat, light a hundred candles, make some hot mulled apple cider, and cover yourself with your favorite quilt or blanket. insta fall. enjoy!

***

so, i'm feeling good right now and with my list in hand that i can no longer refer to as my to do but rather my catch-up, a full page long, typed and single spaced i am doing quality control with clients, my kids, my husband, friends, and my home. my home is BEGGING for a little love and i am ready to oblige because the crap filling every corner of my house it's screaming HELP me.

however, what i want to tackle first is four lines down my list,

~unpack fall decs

miraculously though, this moves up three spaces taking the lead over ~laundry, ~clean house and fridge, ~find place to do yoga.

i'm not saying i don't find it important to tidy up, because i do. i mean doesn't everyone work better, think better, create more in a clean house. something about a clean house... a clear mind. i think oprah used to talk about that. i miss her. however, i've other things on my mind, so it's hard for me to focus on things that aren't as fun as preparing for halloween, baking these pumpkin cupcakes every other week like i did last year, anxiously awaiting some cool weather and now, getting ready for Tagalong! however, i will bump ~clean house and fridge just under ~unpack fall decs. it's a good compromise.

i am so anxious for all the excitement to begin. it feels like i'm planning for a vacation. you know the feeling. you wake up the morning you are about to depart on a weekend getaway and when the sleep leaves you, you are jolted by a charge of vacation energy. but this time it's a two-month holiday and there's family dinners and flickering lights, frosted sugar cookies, candy canes, a Fir of some sort (fraser, douglas, balsam-it doesn't matter bc they all smell delicious) and santa is sure stop by, and you get to watch your little ones bask in the magic of christmas and then bam...we tie it all together with some fireworks, a dropping ball of lights, and a kiss at midnight.

but before i go start celebrating the new year, this is what we have been enjoying lately...

a date with my girl. pedicures are a huge reward for her and i relish in looking over at her serious face while trying to elicit a smile. these moments with her remind me that time is so precious and going so quickly and that i don't always spend as much time as i'd like or i should, but moments like these mean something.

daddy made slime with the kids on a rainy day, but i'm gonna be honest. our slime sucked. period.

they both felt like the weird scientist for the afternoon so it was not a waste, but i think this recipe for slime is better!

we went to one of my favorite places on earth...

they sky was blue and so beautiful. IOC welcomed us back with hot air and fried grouper fingers with extra buffalo wing sauce. kelle came up with that and i've been hooked ever since!

i tried to stay out of the sun, but the kids ran around with a care except to save the fish the fisherman was catching to catch even bigger fish. peyton made it her personal mission to help each fish back to his home. i'm wondering now if the guy with the net behind her wanted to kick my ass for letting her free his fish.

we dug our feet in the sand and found shady spots to hide and then we hightailed it out of there because mama was having a heatstroke! but...it was still the perfect ioc day.

we watched daddy work in the yard during a thunderstorm...

and we think he did a great job mulching the yard and he didn't get hit by lightening (jeff, stay out of the bolts!)

we celebrated cousin griff's 5th birthday and we love our cousins and the time we get to spend with them and of course, jenn never disappoints with a killer party skills...

happy birthday, griff. we love you. xo

i've been indulging in some cravings...

i am watching my little guy grow up into someone really special. can i tell you? i love what i see in him. his heart and kindness blow my mind on a daily basis. his young age and his maturity at times surprise me and he makes me a better mother. i know it. for that i am so grateful. i love you little beckham. mama, loves you so much.

i'm learning that 'advanced maternal age' has been tough, but with my best friend by my side we believe we can ward off any ailment with a quick trip to whole foods to buy a foamy green drink that tastes like...dirt, healthy dirt, but dirt. it makes us feel better and we high five one another on the way home with promises of cleaner eating and early walks on the beach. *with a side of homemade pie of course.

i watched as my daughter, the crafty little thing devised a plan to make some extra cash by playing her piano and beckham- his new bongos (thank you, auntie hi-o, xoxo) out in the front of our house. jeff and i walked out when we couldn't find the kids for a minute, doing this....

peyton made a sign that said, one coin. i scolded her later. 'if your going to beg our neighbors for money you should at least say please, peyton!'

they played and played and we watched as at least three cars drove by and didn't stop. they hung their heads, beckham began to get the sad face. "why won't they stop to hear our music, mommy?"

it was kinda sad. i found myself willing one of our neighbors to stop as they were walking their dog and then i thought i was losing my mind.

however, jeff was grilling hot dogs in the back and saw neighbor girl walking her dog. i about broke my leg running inside to grab any amount of pennies and dimes i could find so jeff could give it to the girl and ask her to stop and listen to the music and throw a little something in peyton's bowl...

their faces said it all. they were so proud and beckham proudly exclaimed, "our first sale!"

i cried.

i also cried when my sweet and thoughtful best friend, kelle threw me a surprise party...

(i stole these from her blog bc obviously i didn't take them)

she got me and so did my friends. i walked into it and it was...lovely and beautiful. i don't think of myself as a birthday party gal. the attention, the gifts...gets me nervous. but, i gotta say...there is nothing like a room full of your friends that take the time to come together to celebrate you and only you that makes a gal feel special. kelle spun her magic and the place was so beautiful and the touches so personal and special. i can't say enough about that night.

thank you, kell and thank you my sweet friends. i love you all so much.

***

and i saved the best for last,

to jeff...

to my husband of 12 years. i love you and happy anniversary. you made our day very special. i'm grateful to have you in my life, in our kid's lives, and for giving me another little one to fall in love with and learn from. i can't wait to do this with you all over again! happy 12!

and on a more serious, possibly funny note, i'm sorry i forgot our anniversary and when i asked you why you bought me flowers and you said it's because it's our 12 year anniversary...i love that we both busted out in loud laughter and laughed at each other and quickly hugged the awkwardness away. i'll never forget that moment because i loved it. this must be what twelve years feels like and i like it! i love you.

and to peyton and beckham for snapping some quick photos before we ran off to a quiet and delicious dinner alone~ thanks, kids!

***
if the calendar says fall, i make chili, but don't be like me and turn it off so it can cool and then fall asleep and leave it on the stove all night and then have to throw the whole pot away, hence the no cooked chili photo!

Chili with black beans

i make all different ways, but this is a basic recipe and the one my husband likes the best. nothing fancy for him. you can cook this in a crock pot, but i use my big le creuset pot, which i LOVE by the way. it's an investment, but worth every penny.

you'll need these ingredients but add or omit anything to your liking. that's the fun part!

3 tablespoons olive oil
2 medium yellow onions, chopped small
4 garlic cloves, minced
1 yellow pepper, 1 red pepper, chopped small
1 pound ground sirloin
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper, or less if the kids will find it to spicy!
optional: hot sauce to taste
bag of frozen shopeg corn
2 large (28 ounce) cans of plum toms in with juice
1 small can of cannellini beans, rinsed. or your fave.
1 small can of black beans, rinsed
kosher salt
pepper

heat the dutch oven over med heat. add the onions and peppers until softened a bit, about 10 minutes. ass the garlic and cook for another minute. add the beef and cook through while breaking up lumps. add all spices to the meat and cook for one minute. add your toms but first crush the toms with your hand or cut them into smaller pieces before adding to the dutch oven.

add the beans and the corn!

bring to a boil and then reduce the heat to a simmer, cover and cook for at least an hour. no less.

add salt and pepper and simmer uncovered another 15 minutes!

enjoy.

i add tostito chips, sour cream, cheddar cheese, jals, onions, hot sauce....but you do it your way!

freeze leftovers!

simple and hearty!

***
the giveaway is this: since i said that i was giving away the letter necklace that so many people have asked about, i have to take that giveaway back because i simply can not find where to order them. not the same ones. i'll keep looking, but in the meantime...
one commenter will win a $25 gift card to an Etsy (etsy.com) shop of their choice! but it's that time again! happy fall!

xoxoxo

35.

2011-09-15T22:41:00.004-04:00

years and years ago, i remember asking my very cool and very pretty babysitter how old she was and when she answered that she was fourteen, i remember sitting there in the cardboard box house she had just constructed for us in a state of amazement. oh my gosh, she is DOUBLE my age! she is soooooo old!

being analytical, even at the early age of seven, i can remember sitting there and wondering how i would ever get so old and with a smug attitude, i decided that when i eventually did turn fourteen, i would be even cooler than my cool babysitter and that was that.

old. old?

it's all relative, right?

last week i turned 35. i pause when i say it because i'm not sure i'm speaking correctly of myself. of course there was a time that i thought 35 was ancient and life would surely be over, but i think we all learn that this is not true and we either lie to ourselves or really believe that we are younger than we are...'cause i'm gonna be honest, i don't feel old and in fact despite all of the jokes of being an old woman- i feel pretty good and i'm happy at the age that i find myself to be!

i will admit though, i called my mom and asked her how it felt that her daughters were 35 now. she just laughed and said, " i know, i can't believe it...you girls are getting up there!" thanks, mom;)

even though i have another blog post in the hopper that i'll post that in a couple of days, i thought i would post a little about what it feels like in this moment after just celebrating a birthday...a diary entry of sorts like i did when i turned 34! a little self absorbed...maybe but when it's your birthday, you can be! seriously. it's one day...take it!

things i've been pondering, because if a birthday does nothing else for me, it forces me to reflect to on where i've been, where i'm goin'...you know what i'm saying!

* you know when people in their thirties say that they no longer feel like they have anything to prove to anyone. they can be themselves. who cares what other people think about them. well, it's kinda true. i think there is a freedom that comes with age and experience. with living and loving and most of all...learning.

i'm learning that there is a balance between not giving a damn and really caring a lot. i guess part of it is this confidence that has grown within me gradually and most of it comes from being a mom. being responsible for these two, almost three little humans that just. mean. so. much.

it's figuring out that we kind of need to have beliefs and firm thoughts and ideas on certain things so we can then pass them on to our children so that they then have a foundation on which to stand.

don't touch the cake please!

trying so hard...

so close!

* what really matters is spending time with people that i love and care about and meeting new people and taking the time to hear their story because i've learned that there is a lot that can be learned from the people around us. i didn't always know this.

* i've learned that sometimes i cry over things that make me happy and others things that make me sad and it's okay. it's also okay to let the kids share in those emotions...sometimes. to cry or laugh with a friend who needs you to be there...there isn't a greater gift to that person who needs a shoulder and a validating sentiment. i know this because i've been on the receiving end.

* i've learned that my life is full, very full of blessings and good health and all of the things that i pray to God each night to keep, but that sometimes i want more. it's life. it's cool because all that really matters is a healthy and content family...and really this is all that i ever really want. well, that and time machine!

* i've learned that it really is the smallest things in life that matter most. these are the things that i enjoy and think about for long moments throughout the day...

the way beckham's eyelashes tickle my cheeks when he gives me a kiss; or peyton's new smile that surprises me each time she laughs and i catch a glimpse of her adult teeth that don't yet fit her sweet mouth yet, or the way she grasps my fingers while we lay in bed watching a movie together at night when it's just the two of us; or how beckham is all grown up when he walks into school in the morning, but when i come to pick him up in the afternoon, he forgets all about that big boy stuff and turns into my baby again by grinning ear to ear while saying mama, mama over and over again and jumping into my arms to give me a huge hug and kiss...every single day.

thank you, jeff for taking these pictures!! xo

thank you, peyton and becks for making my birthday so special! i love you so much and you are the best presents anyone could ask for. i'm a lucky girl and i know it!

i think what the guinea pig is trying to say, "help me!" peyton loves bunny so much. it really is funny.

there are so many of these things i could write about.

the pride i feel when one of the kids finishes dinner and then walks their plate over to the sink instead of leaving it on the table or when they get up on their own and brush their teeth, make their bed and get dressed on school days (it doesn't happen often, but when it does it's like christmas morning!)

* i've said before that my 'laugh' lines don't bother me much and that i rather like them. well, some mornings i do and some i don't and on those days a little extra slathering of some kind of serum promising younger looking skin in two weeks keeps me happy until the next month or so when i remember to care about it all over again!

* i've learned that sometimes i get really nervous over work, over staying true to myself but wanting to please others or the client...i think this is a good thing. i think it makes me try to always be better, do better, think more.

* i've learned that i have/need to let go of some control in regards to my kids and school. as much as i'd LOVE to choose teachers, classmates, friends and BE there to make sure they are happy and okay...i can't. it's tough at first, but it's okay. it's called life and we all get the PRIVILEGE of learning and growing up and it's a really good thing.

(even though i want to talk to the little girls who told peyton she couldn't play princesses with them the other day;) i can't and i'm not supposed to. let go, let go. my new chant!

happy birthday, mommy. surprise, i can tie now!

* this year more than any year, i have learned that life is a mystery and i'm so glad it is. i have this little one growing inside of me and i forgot how amazing, magical, surreal it is to be pregnant. i've been sick, really sick with migraines for the last month or more, but i never forget why i'm under the weather and while i am 'patiently' waiting to feel the first flutters of this little one, i grow more and more in love with him or her. i'm stuck at not wanting this pregnancy to end and wanting it to so i can get my hands on this little one. i want to smother it in kisses and introduce him or her to peyton and beckham. i can't wait.

look who's growing!

* happy birthday to my look alike, heather. i love you so much, xoxo

...i could go on but i'm rambling, so i will end this by saying thank you to my family, friends, clients, and readers for making me a better person. for inspiring me in so many ways and for teaching me to do better. you all make my world a better place and i love you for it. thank you also to my friends who made my 35th extra special!

now, i'm off to prepare for my OB appt tomorrow morning where i will get to hear my baby's heartbeat!!!!

xoxoxo

PS sneak peeks, info on the next giveaway and more will be posted in three days... migraines and life don't mix well i've learned but it's getting better.... yahooooooo!!!!!!